TITLE: The Guard
GENRE: YA
Kate and her over-protective cousin, Will ran into Seth (Kate's sort of new boyfriend) in the town sports bar. Will left Kate with Seth.
"I had fun tonight," Seth said. "I never thought I'd be thanking Sinclair, but I am."
"I did too. Thanks for driving me home."
With her free hand, Kate put the key in the door and started to unlock it. Seth pulled her hand from door. Kate looked up to meet his eyes and suddenly became very aware of her heartbeat. He moved closer. One of his hands stroked her cheek as his face moved closer. She leaned in hoping he wouldn't notice the pounding of her heart. His eyes closed and their lips met. His lips were soft and gentle--and a little salty from the French fries. Like clay, her lips molded to his. Kate hoped she was doing it right--she didn't have experience with this sort of thing.
Kate opened her eyes. Seth was smiling at her. "I promised your cousin I would behave. I intend to keep it. Good night, Kate. We've got an away game in the morning and then I have to work, but I'll call you tomorrow night." He gave her a peck on the lips and walked to his car.
"Good night," Kate said. She went inside and closed the door. No one was home yet. Kate put her fingers to her lips. They were still warm.
This is good. I like the emotion and her questioning her ability to smooch. There were some word repeats and some extraneous sentences that could be cleaned-up. But overall, I liked it.
ReplyDeleteThis was a good scene.
ReplyDeleteI'd get rid of "suddenly". Readers know she's just become aware of her beating heart.
Another nitpick is that thinking of clay with soft lips and a wet mouth threw me off. Nothing else is coming to me, but maybe play around with it.
Like the salty detail.
I found the first paragraph without dialogue a littler jarring when I first read through it. I seemed very: Kate did this. Seth did that. Kate did this. Seth did that. I think you could clean it up to make it flow better.
ReplyDeleteI liked the part at the end of that paragraph though, where they actually kiss. I think every girl wonders if she's kissing alright the first time she kisses someone. :)
Bittersweet, I think the opening paragraph is the lead-in for this excerpt. I don't think it's part of the excerpt itself.
ReplyDeleteAs for the scene, I really liked it. Very sweet and first-kiss-like. I, too, stumbled over the lips-like-clay sentence (it came across as cliche to me), but other than that, I think this works.
I find the dialogue after the kiss a little stiff. Seth sounds too formal. Not like someone who just kissed someone else.
ReplyDeleteKrista,
ReplyDeleteI meant the first non dialogue paragraph after the dialogue. I realize the first paragraph is description. I meant the paragraph that started:
"With her free hand..."
I wasn't pulled into this one. Somehow, that "with her free hand" paragraph felt too much like a bullet list of happenings.
ReplyDeleteBittersweet, got ya. And yeah, now that you mention it (or rather, now that I understand what you mentioned before), I can see where you're coming from.
ReplyDeleteI'd cut suddenly and "I promised your cousin I would behave. I intend to keep it. Good night, Kate. We've got an away game in the morning and then I have to work, but" because it's way too much talk after a first kiss, imho.
ReplyDelete