I like this, but I'd like to see the whole thing. I need more of the conversation, more of the emotion. This reads like a quick and dirty flashback. But, if this is important to the book, which it sounds like it is, then it could be longer, we could have more of a build up and then the let down could be harder, more powerful. But I like it.
It's cute, and I like it. :) However, I'd say give me less. That entire last paragraph turned me off of the scene - because who, after expriencing their first kiss, would take the time to think about the whole relationship? It does sort of read like a flashback, and there's too much thought, not enough - for lack of a better word - action. But very cute, and I DO like the kaleidoscope part. Maybe at a later part in the story, though?
I like the first 2 paragraphs. The third paragraph has nice imagery, but it was too quick of a leap for me to make. Flashback or not, I didn't want to be pulled out of the kiss scene yet.
This is cute. I like the whole first-first kiss thing. They are young and inexperienced, and though it isn't the most romantic of 'first kisses' it's an interesting setting and a great explanation of where their friendship came from and where it is not going.
This is cute, but I feel like I'm being told what happened instead of shown. The voice is very distant from the events and that threw me so that I didn't feel emotionally involved with these characters.
I like this, but I'd like to see the whole thing. I need more of the conversation, more of the emotion. This reads like a quick and dirty flashback. But, if this is important to the book, which it sounds like it is, then it could be longer, we could have more of a build up and then the let down could be harder, more powerful. But I like it.
ReplyDeleteIt's cute, and I like it. :)
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'd say give me less. That entire last paragraph turned me off of the scene - because who, after expriencing their first kiss, would take the time to think about the whole relationship? It does sort of read like a flashback, and there's too much thought, not enough - for lack of a better word - action.
But very cute, and I DO like the kaleidoscope part. Maybe at a later part in the story, though?
I like the first 2 paragraphs. The third paragraph has nice imagery, but it was too quick of a leap for me to make. Flashback or not, I didn't want to be pulled out of the kiss scene yet.
ReplyDeleteThis is cute. I like the whole first-first kiss thing. They are young and inexperienced, and though it isn't the most romantic of 'first kisses' it's an interesting setting and a great explanation of where their friendship came from and where it is not going.
ReplyDeleteThis is cute, but I feel like I'm being told what happened instead of shown. The voice is very distant from the events and that threw me so that I didn't feel emotionally involved with these characters.
ReplyDelete