TITLE: Trinity Coven
GENRE: contemporary fantasy
[Anton has Air magic.]
He flew into the orchard, hovered around some trees, then came back. As he landed a few yards away, Kaelin released the breath she had been holding.
"Wow."
He bit into a peach.
A second peach floated across the space between them. Kaelin plucked it from the air. The breeze turned around, circling her, lifting her hair.
Laughter bubbled out of her. "I love it." She set the fruit on a nearby bench and ran over to throw her arms around Anton. She could feel the heat of his skin through her dress.
His arms wrapped around her, one hand moving up to caress her hair. Kaelin barely noticed the bitten peach float out of the way to the grass.
She breathed him in. He smelled fresh, like ozone and blossoms. "Thank you for sharing that with me."
He pulled back slightly, his hand trailed over her ear, cheek, lips. He lifted her chin and leaned in.
She could taste the peach on his lips. Her tongue flicked out to capture more of the sweetness.
Anton moaned and pulled her closer. He opened his mouth to her. His hand guided her head to find a more comfortable fit. So natural. Her knees weakened. His arms supported her. Her head swam. She couldn't breathe. Gasping, she pulled back.
His thumb grazed her lips. "I'm glad you appreciated that. It's been so long."
I really like this!
ReplyDeleteSomething about "her tongue flicked out" doesn't fit with the imagery and understated-yet-intense passion of the scene. "Flicked" makes me think of a lizard. :P
I think I would like that paragraph better if, instead of "flicking" she simply opened her mouth. That action would still make him moan and pull her closer, methinks. :)
I love the setting and imagery here.
ReplyDeleteNot enough context for me. I wasn't drawn in like some of the others. But, then, if I read more of the story, maybe I would feel something more?
ReplyDeleteThis one felt...stilted and rough, to me. And I'm not sure why. I've read through it twice, trying to figure it out, but the only thing I'm noticing is that almost every sentence has the same structure. He or she or his name is the subject, followed by the verb saying what they did. There's also not much emotion or thoughts...maybe that's it.
ReplyDeleteSorry I'm not more help!
I didn't feel the first-kiss tension with this.
ReplyDeleteDid like the taste of the peach on his lips--and--smelled like ozone and blossoms.
Agree that "flicked" is too reptilian for the scene.
Whose POV is this in?
Not really pulled into this. I don't think ozone has a smell. And watch out for cliche--Her knees weakened.
ReplyDeleteLoved this. It seemed so natural.
ReplyDelete