TITLE: Diya
GENRE: YA mystery with paranormal elements
When sixteen-year-old Diya's aunt is nearly killed, and she finds that the weapon used belongs to Matthew, her attraction for the gorgeous seventeen-year-old turns to suspicion. Now Matt has to prove his innocence, or risk losing her to a cold-blooded killer who's waited two centuries to get its hands on her.
I'm a little confused as to the POV. It seems to start with Diya, but switches to Matt.
ReplyDeleteI should clarify. The story is set in alternating POV.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I was confused about whose story this was as well, Diya's or Matt's. Even with dual povs, this logline can still blend both povs together.
ReplyDeleteOr better yet, it seems Diya has the higher stakes here. She's the one who might actually die so perhaps sticking with her pov for the logline could work as well.
Hope that helps. Good luck! :-)
Agree with the previous comments that it isn't clear whose story this is. Are they both POV characters?
ReplyDeleteI thought I had something new to add here with the question of POV, but it seems like I'm just beating a dead horse. It does sound like a compelling idea though.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Karen Denise. Stick to one POV, the one with the most to gain/lose. Consider;
ReplyDeleteWhen sixteen-year-old Diya's aunt is nearly killed with a weapon belonging to Matthew, her attraction for the gorgeous seventeen-year-old turns to suspicion. Unless she learns to trust him, she will lose her life to a cold-blooded killer who's waited two centuries to get its hands on her.
Not wonderful, but something like that.
My concern is for the grammar in the last line. Is the "cold-blooded killer" a person or a thing? If a person, use "who," as you have, and "his" or "hers" instead of "its." But if it is a thing (creature, evil force, or what-have-you), use "that's" instead of "who's."
ReplyDeleteI agree with Margot's shortening of the first sentence. Also agree with sticking to one POV.
ReplyDeleteIn addition to that I would try and include some reason why the cold-blooded killer is trying to get his hands on her. What does she have that is so important? Does he want to kill her or use her?
In addition to picking one POV and fixing the grammatical errors, I think you need to clarify why Matt failing to prove his innocence would result in her death. Also, the thing about two centuries in the only indication that this is paranormal and I think you need more than that.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I was confused, not so much on POV, but who is Matthew in the first place, and why does Diya care about him? Names mean nothing without context to tell us who the characters are, that's why log lines use descriptive terms like "widowed baker" or "ex-union leader" to describe characters. When I was researching loglines, most places said they didn't need names, just a couple of words of description.
ReplyDeleteThe conflict is good though.