Birds twitter outside my window. Slowly, I merge into the day, stretching like a lanky cat until my bones crack. My fingers drag across the cotton smoothness of my sheets. Sun pours through my curtains resting on my porcelain ‘Glinda’ doll. Her rhinestone crown sparkles like diamonds.
I prop myself up on one elbow pulling sleep from my eyes. My clock says 12:30. I glance at the corkboard over my desk. The feather boa I wore in the school play hangs across the top, flittering in the ceiling fan breeze. Ryan smiles at me from that board. I miss him.
I hear mom’s rake scratching the tile patio outside the window. She keeps herself occupied with gourmet cooking and gardening since we got the news about Ryan so she doesn’t have to think about never seeing him again. Me? I try not to think about it.
The smell of coffee leads me to the kitchen. Warm scones and a Starbuck latte wait for me. I don my DG pink diamond sunglasses, grab my breakfast, and head out to the pool.
“It’s about time you got up, Sleepyhead.”
“Mom, you know I need my beauty sleep. Besides, it’s Saturday.”
I lie on the chaise lounge and sip my latte. One bite of the cinnamon scone teases my tastebuds. Anticipating my next bite I’m stopped cold in mid-air.
The sky explodes with ear-splitting sirens that drone on in a never-ending wail. The danger signal is relentless in its message. “GET TO SHELTER.”
Yes, this got my attention, and I'd like to read on. However my teenage daughter, reading over my shoulder, had no idea what a Glinda doll was.
ReplyDeleteI did find the third paragraph, after your character looked at the photo of Ryan (assuming this is her brother) confusing. In the second paragraph you have her looking a photo apparently placed where she'll see it when she wakes, only to have her telling the reader she chooses not to think about him, in order to cope. The two acts don't add up
I'm not fond of the tense. I found it distracting and difficult to read. The character is good, but I really can't get past the tense.
ReplyDeleteSorry.
I dunno--I liked it. I wondered what the connection was between the world of late sleepers, fancy dolls, and even fancier sunglasses with the raid siren. That curiosity made me want to turn the page. Consider me officially hooked. (grin)
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteWhy?
1.) Starting with a MC waking up does not hook me; I hate this over-used opening and frankly, nothing here is new or unique enough to make me exempt it from my 'if the MC wakes up in the first para, I'm setting something on fire' code. :P
2.) Nothing interesting happens until the sirens go off (and that seems random, out of the blue, which more confused me than anything), thus, no hook for me.
3.) I don't care about the MC (nothing about her so far stands out as being interesting) and while contemporary YA isn't what I read a lot of, noting about her here grabbed me. Her voice doesn't quite stand out for me. I would like to see a quirk or touch of voice to pull me in, even if the other aspects of the opening page don't do it for me.
The present tense is fine, though. And I do like the title!
Good luck.
~Merc
Yes.
ReplyDeleteFrom the first sentence: sometimes I feel very unfriendly towards the birds that tweet early in the morning so this made me laugh.
I wonder what she has to shelter from. Who Ryan is, what happened to him.
I'm up for reading more!
Sorry, this one is a no for me. Too much of nothing happening before we get to the sky exploding. Though I do love a good exploding sky. :)
ReplyDeleteWake-up scenes...deadly to hooking IMO. You're saved by the turn of danger but I would love to see this start with her bopping into the kitchen-skip the other stuff. I didn't feel like we gained much by knowing about her bedroom that couldn't be shown elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteThe writing didn't bother me, which is saying a lot. Alas, I'm a man who likes more unique images interspersed with vivid action, so I was just the wrong reader for this. I can imagine many readers enjoying it, and we have a clue that this pace is about to accelerate wildly. It was a neat trick to attempt, writing a lazy scene in gentle language dashed by impending disaster, and it's possible it will work. The author just needs to find a more patient reader than me.
ReplyDeleteYes!
ReplyDeleteIt's a bit young for me, but the mention of Ryan already made it interesting. Then the addition of the siren at the end really caught my attention.
Well done!
I would have started this with "I lie on the chaise longue" and go from there. All the bits about Ryan and missing him, and it being Saturday can come later. You can show us Mom throwing down the rake in panic, let the explosion spill the coffee, or knock down Ryan's picture, etc. Let us know this is IT!
ReplyDeleteNo, not as it is anyway. I think it has the potential to hook readers if you don't start with her waking up. I feel the reader could just skip over the first three paragraphs and not lose anything at all. But the siren is interesting, especially since it's obviously present day (and not WWII for example).
ReplyDeleteEmily H
At first it seems pretty normal and nothing hooks me. I like how you mention that Ryan is gone (presumably dead?) and integrate it into the story smoothly.
ReplyDeleteI think the contrast between an average, sunny, carefree Saturday and the very last line is interesting, and after reading the end, I would continue. It makes me wonder, is this a weather siren (it doesn't seem like it, since the weather is beautiful), or some other kind of warning, like maybe a government siren or something?
No.
ReplyDeleteNo wake up scenes for Wulf. They feel tired and old fashioned.
The pacing felt choppy and more like a recital of events than an immersing narrative.
The sudden introduction of danger was a pleasant surprise, don't loose that quality when you rewrite : )
No, nothing much had happened to the main character and it just didn't grab me. There needs to be some sort of hook to capture my interest, and it just didn't happen here.
ReplyDeleteGood luck on future endeavors.
No. The girl takes ages to crawl out of bed. She seems pampered and her dialogue feels unrealistic for a teenager.
ReplyDeleteI do wonder what happened to Ryan, but the sudden change of too serene to imminent danger doesn't quite work for me. Less waking and more information about Ryan might help. Or some hint at the reason for the sirens.
Nope. Sorry, but first-person present-tense turns me off. So did the siren going off. It felt random, probably because there was no build-up to this moment, or at least a hint of it. (Man, I'm a bad critiquer; I can't put into words exactly what's bothering me.) I guess I wanted to connect with the character earlier.
ReplyDeleteSorry :(
Sorry, no.
ReplyDeleteWake-up scenes are as cliche as the "in the end, it all turned out to be a bad dream" motif.
And, for me personally, I typically don't enjoy things written in first person, as the narrator tends to come across as very young (as yours does).
Plus, it seemed a bit as if she was showing off for the reader-- listing her designer sunglasses and gourmet food. That's fine if it's her character, but I did not find her likeable at all. Sorry.
I got impatient with the peaceful waking up, and almost didn't make it to the action. I'd start somewhere else than bed and have something more interesting happening before the danger appears.
ReplyDeleteI'm not overly fond of stories that open with a character waking up, descriptions of landscapes and views that sweep out over cities etc. I like to be dropped into a situation that makes my brain work. I want to wonder what comes next and when. I want to care about this character. If I catch myself skimming on the first page I shut the book and stick it back on the shelf.
ReplyDeleteWhile I thought the images were fresh, waking up scenes are a bit of a problem. I found a disconnect between her girly lifestyle, her poetic observations, Ryan, her mother's casual tone, Starbucks and then..bam..get to shelter.
ReplyDeleteI'd start with that maybe and then backtrack to ordinary life" Don't know. I probably would be curious what's going on though. Reminds me the teensiest bit of How I Live Now.
It does have potential once you even out the voice and pacing.
Nope, sorry.
ReplyDelete"Anticipating my next bite I’m stopped cold in mid-air."
Wait... since when was the character in mid-air?
The transition from boring morning and BAMN danger didn't work for me. A smoother transition would be helpful.
The story starts like any ol' boring morning. And a boring morning is not what readers want to read about. I like the action and would recommend starting with it.
Tentative yes. I think this could be condensed down to maybe half - two thirds it's current length, getting the real action in sooner.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice, but am wary about the tense if it's to be sustained for the entire novel.
Sadly, not hoooked.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, I'd like to know what all the sirens are about, first person, present-tense narratives never sit well with me. There were too many 'I's.
I don't really like the MC. All I know about her is what stuff she owns. She wakes up in the morning and catalogues her stuff in her mind, rather than thinking about how the morning makes her feel or what she is going to do. She sips latte's, lays out on a chaise, and eats cinnamon scones by the pool...while her mother is doing yardwork?
Now, it is interesting to know that a (spoiled?) girl like her lives in a world where people need to get to shelters. I would like to know how she handles that kind of danger (what effect it has on her), and whether or not Ryan was killed by whatever the danger is.
But, for me, the MC has got to be likable. Even, if not likeable, driven with clear motives/goals, so I know what they are about. I don't know what the MC is about here.
Sorry, no. Setting the scene at the start a book is a huge turn-off for me. You're just revving your engines and the story probably starts much later. Make that your first page: where the story starts.
ReplyDeleteHooked? no.
ReplyDeleteThe tense of the piece is by far my least favorite to read. I really don't get into the "play by play" flavor it gives the story.
If you switched the tense from something like "I hear..." to "I heard..." I would have been willing to stick with this.
I wasn't hooked, at least until the last paragraph. I'm not a huge fan of present tense, but sometimes I can look past it. For some reason, I couldn't here.
ReplyDeleteI liked the added conflict of the dead brother, and I wonder if that has anything to do with the sirens. BUT, the mention of beauty sleep and DG sunglasses followed by sirens confused me. The manuscript seemed to take on two different tones.
I think it's a good start though. I'd keep reading if only to find out what the siren meant.
The writing in this is really nice, but I mostly skimmed over the paragraphs until the last one, which is where the conflict began. I do like the last one.
ReplyDeleteEr... not yet.
ReplyDeleteThis line was an immediate turn off "Slowly, I merge into the day". B[
You have a LOT of description and internals here in the beginning.
I'd feel differently if you chopped everything off except the last two paragraphs.
Start with:
I lie on the chaise lounge and sip my latte. One bite of the cinnamon scone teases my tastebuds. Anticipating my next bite I’m stopped cold in mid-air.
The sky explodes with ear-splitting sirens that drone on in a never-ending wail. The danger signal is relentless in its message. “GET TO SHELTER.”