TITLE: KERA
GENRE: SCIENCE FICTION, POSSIBLY YA
Curiosity made her look over her shoulder, but the fear kept her moving.
Twelve-year old Kera ran, pounding her bare feet on the hard packed sand near the edge of the water. It was easier going here than on the dry beach, and it kept her farther from the woods where the stranger lurked.
Her biggest dog Jake ran with her, which was a comfort. A Great Pyrenees that weighed as much as a grown man, he had a dense white coat that covered thick layers of muscle. His calm manner often led strangers to believe, mistakenly, that Jake would be gentle and friendly with them. He too turned his head every so often to scan the trees.
"Can you smell him yet?" Kera sent her thought to Jake.
"No smell," Jake thought back. "Hear him. He run, break sticks, bend branches."
"Clumsy?" She thought.
"No. Just run fast."
That ain't good, she thought to herself. He must be a good tracker to be quick in the trees. And if he's young enough? Kera had been running through these northern woods her whole life. Papa even likened her to a deer sometimes. But she was still a girl and not a match for a healthy grown man. Especially not a man who had wolves for companions. Yeah, two of them. That really ain't good. Maybe not such a great time to be like a deer.
A girl and her telepathic dog! Fantastic. Isn't it always about a boy and his dog?
ReplyDeleteYour opening line is great, very catching! I see a few technical things that could be cleaned up but nothing major.
You set up the scene perfectly, suspenseful, scary, real.
I would continue reading this hands down!
I agree with the previous poster. As soon as I began reading, I jumped into the action. I also connect with the character, even though I don't know her yet. The fact that a stranger is chasing her makes me care.
ReplyDeleteI briefly wondered how she knew the stranger had wolves with him, but just figured maybe she had seen them before the book started.
I don't usually read sci fi, but would definitely be interested in this one.
I liked the action and, being a big Mercedes Lackey fan, I'm partial to stories with human-animal communication. I'd love to see how this played out.
ReplyDeleteNicely compelling opening, I would read on if I could. I'm not sure about the sentence, "and if he's young enough?" Young enough for what? And then you go on to have your MC worried that he's a grown man. That confused me.
ReplyDeleteBut overall, a great scene with lots of story questions to interest this reader.
I'm hooked! Your voice pulled me fluidly into the action and the fantasy elements are woven in seamlessly.
ReplyDeleteOnly one nitpick - during the telepathic exchange, you can stop using the "thought" tag since we know they're not speaking. The last "she thought" wasn't needed at all.
But this is the tiniest, tiniest of nitpicks. It was a very engaging opening.
The first sentence is meant as the first hook, but it is more of a tell, not show, that's a bit out of viewpoint, and you say later that she knows he's in the woods, not behind her, so it's not accurate.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph is just as good a hook with the mention of the little girl and the stranger in the woods.
The third paragraph needs to be cleaned up a bit. "Which" and "that" tend to slow sentences, and you don't need that in an opening.
Maybe a bit less of straight description would help. Even if someone isn't familiar with Jake's breed, "Great" says that he's really big so I'd drop that part of the description. Something like this.
Her Great Pyrenees Jake ran beside her, his dense white fur ruffling with muscle and wind. He turned his head slightly to look toward the trees and growled, the warning, protective sound rumbling in his massive chest.
Worried and comforted at the same time, she thought to him....
Intrigued!
ReplyDeleteLike the way the dog thinks and their communication, though I agree you could get rid of the "thought" tags after the first mention.
And yes, the "young enough" and "grown man" did seem confusing.
Just a nit-pick with the ending:
Especially not a man who had wolves for companions. Yeah, two of them. [That really ain't good.JMO, DELETE THIS FOR MORE PUNCH] Maybe not such a great time to be like a deer.
Wow! Really strong beginning. The only that that tripped me up was Jake's "He run" comment. Maybe just, "Hear him. Runs. Break sticks", etc. Otherwise, the dog sounded like Tonto. And I agree, the second Really ain't good needs to go.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that occurred to me - I wonder why it never occurs to her that the tracker doesn't have to be good.
ReplyDeleteA running twelve year old and big dog would be easy to chase after because of all the noise they're making.
Also - a big white animals is very hard to hide in the woods. That's why albino deer are so rare. :)
I'm nitpicking though - this is a great place to start off, you set the tone immediately with just enough info as needed (would only cut back on the Pyr info for right now, but up to you).
Good job<:
Not a SF fan, but I would turn the page to find out who is chasing her and whether or not she outruns/outsmarts him. And there's a dog - what's not to like.
ReplyDeleteI, too, had issues with Jake's dialogue - took me out of the story briefly.
Good job.
I like Jake's voice, and I especially love the deer+wolf metaphor.
ReplyDeleteIt's an interesting set up, and the details are subtle enough to sink into, but the long paragraphs--the one about the dog and the one about how the MC is like a deer--are basically all backstory and infodumping. I'd rather it kept to the stranger following them and whatever danger he might pose to the MC.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the first sentence is a bit telling. Maybe if you changed it to: Twelve-year old Kera curiously looked over her shoulder, but fear kept her moving. She ran, pounding....
ReplyDeleteThe telepathy with the dog was intriguing. I would read on.
This was intriguing – I liked the action and the sense of danger, and I would read on. Plus I’m a sucker for a good dog story!
ReplyDeleteHave you heard of a book titled “The Knife of Never Letting Go”? It is also a YA sci-fi book, and it starts off with a 12-year-old boy and his telepathic dog who are (eventually) chased through the woods near a river. The boy’s voice in that novel is a bit like Kera’s (he also says “ain’t,” etc.). I know the similarities are probably just a coincidence (and I liked that book, which bodes well for yours), but it might be something to look into.
I'm not big into sci fi (more of a fantasy girl), but this one had me intrigued. I love the last line.
ReplyDeleteI did feel the third paragraph slowed down the sense of urgency, though. The second sentence sounded a little funny. Like she's hammering her feeting into the sand. Maybe: ...her bare feet pounding on...
Otherwise, nice writing.
It may be that you mean for the Great Pyrenees to be larger than normal, but a little over a hundred lbs. is tops. I have one. They look larger because of their hair. Just in case that you hadn't meant for the dog to be an unusual weight, I thought you might like to know. The girl would know this if the dog belonged to her. They are very strong though.
ReplyDeleteI don't really like the biggest dog part, but otherwise you really had me going.
Hi All,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the *very* helpful comments so far. It never fails, but I've pointed out some similar corrections to other writers at different times -- and just can't see my own errors. That's why we belong to writing groups, right?
Regarding a couple of specific comments:
I'd never heard of “The Knife of Never Letting Go" before. Looks like I'll be hitting the library tonight! Thanks, Megan.
As for the size of Great Pyrenees, I'm aware of the normal range. Our third Pyr now is a girl who prolly will top out at about 85 to 90 lbs. (She's 75 lbs at 8 months) Our first girl hit 95 lbs. Our boy, however, weighed in at the vets at 158lbs +/- 4 from 3 years old until almost 10. And if he was more than 5% body fat I'll eat a 40lb bag of kibble! And he was the *second* biggest of his litter. Nevertheless, thanks for the friendly advice. :-)
The Author
Great concept- a telepathic dog. You do have a lot of tension here, but I also noticed that the final paragraph and the third slowed it down a bit. In my opinion there's a bit too much thinking going on for such a tense scene. You could sneak in the characters' appearances throughout the first chapter, as well as Kera's age. Overall, though, good work.
ReplyDeleteA small man then.
ReplyDeleteDear "Anonymous" -- Please enter a screen name for your critiques instead of choosing "anonymous". Many thanks!
ReplyDeleteInteresting start. Although I'm not a fan of science fiction, I love stories that include animals.
ReplyDeleteI like the girl-dog telepathy, and there is definitely tension here.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence did not hook me, though. In fact, I had to read it twice. Perhaps there is a better way to introduce this potentially-very-tense opening scene?
Totally hooked!
ReplyDeleteI like the girl-dog telepathy, and like others, am not wild about the 1st line. I'd also cut a lot of the inner thoughts, like things about strangers and Jake, because it slows down the tension - you can help us get to know Jake later as the story unfolds.
ReplyDeleteThe first line is a bit clunky but I'd read on as I like the connection between the girl and her dog. The description of what the dog looks like enhances rather then tells what we already know.
ReplyDeleteThe action feels organice to the story.
Oops. That would be "organic" unless I want to invent a new word....
ReplyDelete