TITLE: There's No Such Thing As Polar Bear Repellent Spray
GENRE: Tween Adventure
Glass shattered on the other side of the door. "Six point five?" I asked Randolph in a voice that squeaked higher than I liked.
Mister Randolph's pointer finger went up, indicating my guess was too low. I shuddered as he opened one side of the double door, shoved me inside, and then silently shut the door behind me, like he was feeding a dangerous animal.
My father stood behind his desk, glaring out his bay window at the entrance to the house. Anger radiated from him like a malevolent fog and filled the room.
Randolph was right; on the Richter Scale of Rage this was at least a seven. Shattered glass sparkled by the hearth and one of the wingback chairs had been toppled. To my right a variety of corporate mementos had been swept off the low mahogany filing cabinets and lay strewn on the floor like dead soldiers.
"Bing!" My attention darted to my father, and just in time, too, because a book came flying through the air and nearly hit me.
I straightened. Show no fear, it only makes things worse. My mind raced through the last few days. What could I have done? Sure, I'd broken his World Humanitarian Award while skateboarding down the hall, but he couldn't know about that. What then?
"Bing, you've been expelled from Trottsman."
Oh. "Expelled?"
"Yes. Apparently they think you received outside help on your science project."
"The one you had Dr. Navarre do for me?" Oh snap, wrong answer.
I love how Bing is put into a perilous situation right away. His father's anger heightens the conflict from the start so we immediately worry for his well being. The humor is great too. I love the irony that this rageaholic has won a humanitarian award. The similes work wonderfully to show the dangerous environment in an original way. I want to see how Bing gets out of this situation.
ReplyDeleteI love the title and the humor. I would read more.
ReplyDeleteVery funny! I'm totally hooked. Richter Scale of Rage is hilarious. I'm totally using that in general conversation.
ReplyDeleteI love the title. And I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI did find the opening a little confusing. I wasn't sure why the glass shattered. I first thought of some scientific experiment. And I didn't catch the whole scale thing until she mentioned it further down.
I'd rather see his anger through action than a simili, but that's just me.
Once I understood what was happening: that she had been called in to see her father, the story flowed much better. I loved her attitude and the irony between what her father is saying and what really happened. Quite the hypocrit.
Hilarious! Love the last line.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. Nice set up. Can't help but love a MC with gumption.
ReplyDeleteAt first, I thought this was the old, kid knocks ball through window scenario, and the 6.5 was some weird sports score.
ReplyDeleteWhen I realized what was actually going on, it was much more interesting. Some lovely imagery --"Richter Scale of Rage", "corporate mementos...swept off the low mahogany filling cabinets..strewn on the floor like dead soldiers."
Good hook. I already have a sense of the characters and the father/son conflict.
Oh, and I LOVE the title!
Cute. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteThe 'Mister' should be Mr. and you need to give us an idea of the setting there at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteThat said - love this<:
Great title<:
Loved this. Great MC, great descriptions, great snark (no disrespect to our own Miss Snark)! The action is immediate, the POV strong. Well done and good luck with this novel
ReplyDeleteHooked. I also love the title and found the set-up very intriguing. Great writing, nice and descriptive without calling attention to itself. Good work!
ReplyDeleteOkay, I LOVED this. Bing's voice and sarcasm are just wonderful, and I love the way you wove the setting, background history, and tension right away without hitting us over the head with it. Plus, I absolutely loved the Richter Scale of Rage!!!! I would definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused and had to go back to the beginning and re-read. That said, I did enjoy the page and loved your title and closing line. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice. I love how you wove in bits of Bing's character. But I was confused by the setting. First Mister Randolph, then through a door where his father is having a fit? I thought he was in a classroom at first, so when the teacher pushed him through the door I thought he was entering some sort of science experiment. I had to reread the whole thing again to figure out what was going on. A little chopping should fix that, though.
ReplyDelete"Anger radiated from him like a malevolent fog." Huh? IMO that's a sloppy image. Fog doesn't radiate, does it? And what's a malevolent fog? It sounds like a nice image on the surface, but the words are meaningless.
Love the humor in the last line. Ha ha!
Definitely Hooked! Very funny.
ReplyDeleteI loved the dialogue too. Fantastic!
The voice is great, but I was a little confused about what was going on with the action. I thought 6.5 referred to something else, and I had to re-read.
ReplyDeleteGreat title, too. Good luck!
I think this is my favorite one so far, I LOVE it! :D Also, best title I've seen in awhile. The voice is great and things get moving right away. Awesome job!
ReplyDelete~Merc
Ha-ha-ha! Great hook with the title, clever. Loved this excerpt. There are a few little things I'd do to make it even better.
ReplyDeleteRUE..."indicating my guess was too low" I'd delete this. I got it from the finger pointing up, but I'm from Cali where we rock and roll a bit.
Also, didn't really care for the soldier metaphor. Pulled me out.
Good luck. Quirky MC always gets me. You had me at Polar Bear...
Nice start. I like it.
ReplyDeleteClever title, and the last two sentences are SUPER.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the scene confused me -- I seriously couldn't figure out what was going on with all the shattering glass, etc.
Wondering how you could set the scene more clearly, to better draw us in?
I love this! Measuring his father's anger with the Richter Scale. Great.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
I liked it. Good job. A nit: I don't see someone silently shutting a door when they're feeding a dangerous animal. I like the image of the father as the animal and Bing getting fed to him, but perhaps Randolph can shut the door hastily? I like the RSOR and the humor.
ReplyDeleteVery nice. Great job laying out the scene visually and awesome humor! I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteTitle doesn't do much for me. It's in direct contrast to what is a serious opening with an underlay of sarcasm.
ReplyDeleteDidn't realize that "Bing" was the characters name immediately but on the whole, I like the tension of the opening. I'd read on. I want to see how the dynamic between father and son plays out.
Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate everyone who took the time to do so. And special thanks to Authoress and the Secret Agent for sacrificing loads of time to do this. So kind. I've learned a lot.
ReplyDelete*gives story much love* I think its clear that shattering glass and 6.5 is supposed to make you think earthquake, but the guessing game about it diffuses the tension to "not actual earthquake" levels, which I think drives the reader forward. I'm not trying to be argumentative or anything (and since quite a few others seem to disagree with me, it's probably worth looking into anyway) but I had to say that it did work for *some* of us.
ReplyDelete