TITLE: Jeep Muldoon and the Mystery of Merlin’s Magic
GENRE: Middle Grade Fiction
Chapter One: I Do Not Have X-Ray Vision!
I do not have x-ray vision! I want to make that clear right up front.
You see, the reason I say I don't have x-ray vision is because I told my girlfriend, Pinky Dalrymple, about my gift and about how I find lost things like money and jewelry and stuff. Somehow Pinky got it in her mind, that since I can locate stuff buried in the ground, or behind walls, then I must have x-ray vision. She decided that every time I looked at her, I was looking right through her clothes and seeing her naked.
That's why Pinky is now my ex-girlfriend. And, not only did she break up with me – she told every girl in the 7th grade that I am a perv. So, I just want to say up front that I do not have x-ray vision. And I am not a Perv! I just find things. That's all. And, everybody finds things.
I just find things better than anyone else.
This one has a great voice, which kept me reading. Yes, it starts by explaining back story, but I think the reason why it keeps working for me is that last bit--I just find things. I assume that the very next thing that happens is that we get dumped into the action of him actually finding something significant. A nice setup so far!
ReplyDeleteVery interesting, would definatley keep reading. My only thought is whether or not 7th graders use the word perv (or pervert). But like Olmue said, great voice!
ReplyDeleteYes, I'd read more. For the voice. The odd character names put the reader in the mindset that this story won't take place in the 'normal' world.
ReplyDeleteCute--I love the title and the chapter title. "Pinky" reminds me of something out of Grease and makes me wonder what your setting is, but I'd totally keep reading. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteIt's been a long time since I read a MG, but this has me hooked. Already we have complications over the special ability, and sympathy for the main character. It is backstory, but the voice pulls it off - introducing himself, making sure no one misunderstands him, etc. And the last line implies more plot upcoming.
ReplyDeleteI thought it got off to a great start. The voice is strong, and it's funny, as well. I got the idea of what some main aspects of the story were going to be right away and I was intrigued. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteYes, the voice is funny, and although its a male main character, I find myself wanting to find out his story.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely a yes. I like it.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I wish you had gotten closer to the 250 word count as opposed to selling this eighty-some-odd words short because I so want to read more.
The names are definitely weird though, but it may go with the setting. This kinda reminded me of what could be a Jumper sort of takeoff. And I mean that in the best possible way.
I'm intrigued enough to keep reading. I now want to know how he finds things better than anyone else.
ReplyDeleteYou have a good voice, I like this. I think I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. I would have read on. And I would have recommended it to my grandchildren as well.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like this, it's very interesting. You seem to have a great voice for middle grade fiction!
ReplyDeleteEmily H
Yes, I like it and would read on. I enjoy the voice and the humor is spot on.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing is the chapter title and the first line end up repetitive of each other--I would change the chapter title, actually, so the first line has more impact.
Good luck!
~Merc
Yes, definitely. Great voice and great style. It gets right to the point with humor. It provides instant sympathy for the mc. I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI think you could cut the "You see...because" in para 2 and just launch into "I told my girlfriend..."
ReplyDeleteYMMV (as evidenced by commenters above!), but this didn't feel immediately like a 7th grade boy to me--guessing this is a matter of my taste in "boy books." But I love the "everybody finds things...I just find things better" so I would want to keep going, because I'd like to see the voice develop.
Yes. Great MC voice and interesting hook. Loved the last line, too. But ditto on the age thing. I would have placed him around 4th/5th grade from the way he spoke and structured his thoughts, not 7th.
ReplyDeleteWhile I like the last line and think it makes a neat hook, I feel like the overall piece needs some tightening. I also envisioned the protagonist as a couple years younger than seventh grade. Not enough here to keep me reading, but the humor in it works well.
ReplyDeleteGood opening line. I'd reconsider naming chapters as I once heard an editor complain that "Then she had to go through each chapter and make sure the title is pertinent." Good humor. Hooked enough to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThis has a great energy and voice. We're in the characters head right from the beginning. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteThis a yes for me. The whole X-ray vision thing intriques me and I'm wondering what exactly he's going to find in the future pages.
ReplyDeleteYes, I would keep reading this. I enjoyed the humor, and the voice. Great job!
ReplyDeleteOo, yes! Great voice, humourous, well done.
ReplyDeleteAgree with Merc about changing the chapter title.
Yes, yes and yes! You had me smiling the whole time, and I loved the first line. Very clever wording. I would turn the page.
ReplyDeleteAnother yummy mid-grade with a strong character voice. I'm totally on board.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteVery good, strong voice. Clever, to-the-point writing.
Excellent! I'd love to read more.
ReplyDeleteLike the opening line, like how a whole scene is made vivid in a few short lines (the whole stuff with the ex-girlfriend, ending with perv).
Very nice.
No, I'm sorry...
ReplyDeleteIt just seems like there is a lot of talk here.
Hooked? I guess so.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments on backstory. To me if you started with the scene where the boy and his ex-girlfriend are doing what is described, that it would be much more lively.
That way you be able to introduce both characters with their actions and words rather than a brief tell.
I'm hooked with a caveat. I love the voice and your last sentence is awesome. But I wished you showed me the scenes and circumstances described here instead of telling me about them.
ReplyDelete