Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the beginning (the futuristic time, the gifted ballerina), but after that you lose me in generalities. Be specific with the problem/conflict.
Why is she going to lose her passion for dance and her identity when she turns sixteen?
Agreed with the above commenters. Tell me WHY she might lose her identity, and I'm hooked. I think it's a really great start with a little-too-vague ending.
I agree with Tami - great start, but give me just a little more.
I. Like. This.This gives me conflict, an age for the protag, the goals. It is short, informative and paints a mental picture.I would read more.
I have to agree that there's too much vagueness here. Unlike Huntress, I'm not certain of the conflict at all. I know what she DOESN'T want to happen (lose her identity), but I have no fear of that happening because I don't know WHY she fears that happening. Also, why is she struggling to unravel the deceits of her community, and WHAT are the deceits? You need to be more specific here and I think you'll be fine. This sounds like dystopia, and there are lots of reasons for the deceits in dystopian stories. They're entirely different in Fahrenheit 451 than they are in The Hunger Games, for example. Please tell us what they are or give us a hint and I think you'll be well on your way. Good luck!
I really like this. I would definitely read more.
I agree with everyone. Tell us why she has to "unravel the deceits" (and be more specific by what you mean by this) and tell us who is going to try to stop her from doing so, and you will have a great logline.
What happens when she turns sixteen? How will she lose her whole identity? And hows does being a ballerina tie in? And you might give us her name. As others said, be specific. It's what makes your story stand out from the others.
There's definitely something here. I agree with the others - you aren't being specific enough. The real hook lies with how she's going to lose her identity at sixteen, and the reason why.
Sci-Fi AND ballerinas? I love the concept. I agree with the comments before however, in that the logline doesn't give much detail as to what actually happens in the book.
I'm struggling with this because my concept of log-lines didn't involve much detail... so I guess it's striking the right balance? In any case, I refashioned this log-line, so hopefully it's better now. Please continue to comment on either if you like, and thank you for your help. "It's 2173, and a gifted ballerina discovers that Orientation -- becoming an adult -- may erase her passion for dance. She must unravel the deceits of her picture-perfect home before she turns sixteen or risk losing not only ballet, but her whole identity."
Kat, Definately stronger with the revision and somehing I'd want to read.
I really like your revision. Definitely something I would want to pick up and read.