TITLE: THE LAST OBRIST
GENRE: MIDDLE GRADE FANTASY
The final battle ended quickly. After 13 years in exile on Earth, Prince Beltane had no patience for a long siege. His Crusaders, 5,000 strong, ringed the outer walls of the Temple. His younger brother Arum, King of Annwyn, commanded what was left of the Temple Guard inside. Beltane touched the thick wooden doors that separated him from his brother. How many times had he played before those doors as a child, tracing the carvings that told Annwyn’s history? No matter. There would be new doors soon, and a new history.
Beltane raised his hands and the doors groaned as King Arum’s magic willed them to stay closed. The two brothers fought to a standstill for a few moments, but Beltane knew Arum was weakening. Then the doors exploded into splinters and Beltane’s Crusaders stormed the Great Hall.
“Enough!” The King spoke with such authority that even Beltane’s men stopped where they stood. “I surrender, Beltane,” he said. “My guards will lay down their weapons.”
Beltane strode into the hall, his chain mail clanking. The armies parted, clearing a path to the platform at the far end of the hall where King Arum stood in front of his throne.
“It's not your place to make demands,” Beltane said. He crossed through the Great Hall, climbed the platform and circled his brother, staring into the pale violet eyes so much like his own. They’d shared everything in common once, until the very day their father passed Beltane by and made Arum king.
Excellent. The pace was great, just enough information for me to understand what was going on, and yet leave me wondering what would happen next. My only concern was it seems Beltane is the MC and I can't say I like him much. Great job though.
ReplyDeleteNot bad! yeah, I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteGreat set up - the passed over brother fighting for what he believes is his right. The only thing - why does Beltane say, "It's not your place to make demands," when Arum hasn't demanded anything?
ReplyDeleteI'd read more.
This sounds like a prologue, and Beltane seems to be the villain. That's not a bad thing -- the pace here would feel rushed to me as a chapter, but appropriate for a prologue.
ReplyDeleteI might be wrong, of course, but I am thinking that either Arum is the hero or neither Beltane nor Arum is the actual protagonist.
It does seem odd Beltane is complaining about their demands when the King just surrendered.
I'm not sure if I would keep reading this without some idea of who the hero of the story is, but normally the blurb would tell me that.
You've guessed right that this is a prologue and that Beltane is the villian. Thanks for the critique.
ReplyDeleteGood hook. I'de read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested. There were a few things that stood out to me, but nothing that stopped me.
ReplyDeleteAfter 13 years in exile on Earth, Prince Beltane had no patience for a long siege. His Crusaders, 5,000 strong, ringed the outer walls of the Temple.
--The '13' should be spelled out. Same with the '5,000'.
Then the doors exploded into splinters and Beltane’s Crusaders stormed the Great Hall.
--I don't know, this sentence just seems… anti-climatic. Maybe 'The doors splintered, then exploded under their/the opposing powers, and Beltane's Crusaders stormed the Great Hall.
“I surrender, Beltane,” he said. “My guards will lay down their weapons.”
--The tag in there seems out of place. Removing it would improve the flow. =)
He crossed through the Great Hall, climbed the platform and circled his brother, staring into the pale violet eyes so much like his own.
--It should be 'pale, violet eyes'.
I would read on. I'm intrigued by these brothers. Consider me hooked. =) Good job!
Good tension between the brothers. Is it possible to start without the backstory as the very first thing, though? Can you start with him tracing the carvings first (love that image) and weave all that info in later?
ReplyDeleteI wasn't hooked until the action started. And even then, I have to admit I was a little confused. I thought they were "fighting", but they weren't in the same room with each other yet. They were fighting with magic, but I had to reread it a time or two to figure that out.
What does "fought to a standstill" mean?
Also, I'd agree that Beltane's first words don't make sense in the context.
Definitely promising though!
This will probably sound picky (I've been doing that a lot on these) but was it your intention to name one of, what I think is, your main characters after a Celtic festival? That kept throwing me right out of the story. I'm sure it's probably just me, but my suggestion would be, unless there's some great significance with the name, change it.
ReplyDeleteIf I wasn't stumbling over that and perhaps a couple lines that were pointed out, I'd keep reading. I like the premise a lot!
Good luck!
I enjoyed this. Great writing. I haven't been reading everyone else's comments (who has the time), but I did notice that this is a prologue. Makes me curious to read chapter one.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. Good voice and good conflict. A little bit of magic thrown in, some brotherly rivelry, and an interesting world. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI like what you've done here. The prose is taut and flows smoothly, and it takes a particular skill to suggest that Beltane is the villian of the piece without coming out and saying so.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious as to what makes this MG, as it reads like adult fantasy to me so far. What happens after the prologue?
Cheers.
Yes, I did like this. Consider me hooked with some caveats:
ReplyDeleteThe mention of "exile on earth" made me stop and check what genre you're in, as it sounded like S.F. and I was sure you'd said fantasy.
Also, crusades suggests middle eastern setting, but Annwyn is the celtic name for the kingdom of hell,kinda sorta.
I liked Beltane's character in that he's an ambiguous villain, which is hard to do.
Loved the tracing the patterns on the door. It grounded me in the scene. I'd agree, however, you need to draw out the explosion more.
Also, do a word search for "even". You don't usually need it and removing it will speed things up a tad.
Well done and good luck!
I like the set up, but the first two paragraphs are all backstory. I think this would work much better if you just get to the part with Beltane blowing up the doors, and weave in the pertinent background info later on. I would read on though, as I’ve a soft spot for brother-against-brother stories.
ReplyDeleteI had to work a little to get through the first paragraph. Perhaps it's the use of numbers twice -- feels a little bit like a listing of details and backstory rather than trying to hook me in with storytelling.
ReplyDeleteThe pace picks up quickly at the end of the first paragraph. I like the brief magical battle with the shattering of the doors and the stand off between the brothers shows a good balance between dialogue and narrative.
I would read on, but would definitely suggest trimming "After 13 years in exile" and "His younger brother Arum...."
From the moment Beltane touches the temple doors and thinks of his brother inside, I have enough to go on.
As I've mentioned in a previous post, I'm particular about my fantasy.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, we have an opening that's a battle scene. I, the reader, do not know any of the characters and who I should be caring about. It's going to make this opening tough.
Opening paragraph is also all backstory that needs to be woven into the fabric of the story.
Once we get to the scene with the king, I'm liking it better.
However, this is middle grade fantasy? In what way?
I'd probably read on a few more pages just to give it a chance but I'm on notice.
Are you sure this isn't YA Fantasy? I do like this, and would read on, but it feels too old for MG. How old are these boys?
ReplyDeleteI'm in agreement with the first graph being backstory and should be weaved in later.
Great writing. Flows well.
Good luck with this.
I like it, although I think I'd also like to see it begin where the door splinters and then go into the rest. Perhaps the strain between the brothers and exile history can be gotten into when they first lay eyes on each other.
ReplyDeleteI like the setup of the battling brothers. A lot can be done with that. The parts that bothered are all brought up in the other comments so I won't dwell on them.
ReplyDeleteI am not compelled to read on yet, but think that I would.