TITLE: MARGARITA NIGHTS
GENRE: COMMERCIAL (LITERARY/MAINSTREAM)
Jared knew he must make a decision: stay with his partner of five years or risk everything in search of the proverbial greener grass on the other side of the fence. He was just not sure that the greener grass actually existed. He was not sure of anything since a simple kiss from a friend – when is a kiss just a kiss? – became something oh, so, much more. The kiss did not turn him into a toad . . . or a devilishly handsome prince with vast quantities of deductive reasoning. The kiss just made him wonder if the happily ever after of fairy tales, even for a gay man, could come true? He did not know. He did not have a fairy godmother – though he knew a few tired old drag queens in sparkly dresses – to wave her magic wand and turn a pumpkin into a carriage or, in his case, provide all the answers – when does a kiss become a betrayal? – to his questions. He only had the boyz (well, grown men desperately trying to hang on to their youth with an endearing term), margarita night once a month, some snarky comments, and the whispers of the gayvine – telephone, telegraph, tell-a-gay man – to help him deal with his many questions before it was too late.
The stroke of midnight was almost upon him, and he feared that whatever semblance of happily ever after he currently had would disappear like Cinderella’s gown when the clock struck twelve.
Hey, look at you, stuck in the middle. I noticed that commenters either start at 1 or 60, so I ventured straight here.
ReplyDeleteWhat a relatable situation for many. Do you stay safe or risk it all for something more? I can feel him tearing himself up over this. The line comparing a few old drag queens in sparkly dresses to a fairy godmother made me laugh. The last paragraph tells us that something is going to happen at midnight, and I'm curious to know what, so I would read on.
(Oh, I don't think you need a question mark after "come true" since he's wondering, not asking.)
THe first paragraph felt a little too packed to me. I would try to simplify just a bit (ie: He did not have a fairy godmother – though he knew a few tired old drag queens in sparkly dresses – to wave her magic wand and turn a pumpkin into a carriage or, in his case, provide all the answers – when does a kiss become a betrayal? – to his questions. This long sentence is filled with too many dashes and inserts. It is vital to the humor of the story so I wouldn't omit it, but maybe you could turn it into two sentences?
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
You have a lot of good things here, but they run into each other. To make them stand out more, break up that big paragraph with a little physical movement.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph has a great sense of urgency. Think about putting it first.
I really enjoyed this. I found it different and intriguing. I think your imagery is good, but I'd watch for a bit of stiffness - e.g., "The stroke of midnight was almost upon him".
ReplyDeleteIt's a good intro - you hold out a tantalizing idea, a problem the main character has to deal with, and it's interestin.g
I get a very unique voice here, and that draws me in and I want to read more. You are using a ton of imagery and concepts - greener grass, fairy tales, fairy godmother -that are evocative of the traditional. I see how this is an interesting juxtaposition with your MCs love problems, but it reads very romance to me and not as edgy as you could go.
ReplyDeleteI would read more.
I would have preferred a scene I could see and feel -- this seems to be some guy's random thoughts in white space.
ReplyDeleteMy interest perked up when I had a better sense of the setting -- the boyz (well, grown men desperately trying to hang on to their youth with an endearing term), margarita night once a month, some snarky comments, and the whispers of the gayvine – telephone, telegraph, tell-a-gay man -- I thought, Ah! Snappy descriptions of a world I don't know much about, that's more intriguing.
Maybe you could tell us where Jered is and who he's with as he tries to make his decision.
I like the conflict you introduce in the opening here between staying with what's safe or taking a risk. The voice is strong and compelling and humorous. I'm unclear about the exact nature of the conflict, however. You might want to establish more details about how the kiss became "something so much more." When did the kiss happen? What's the context?
ReplyDeleteOMG - thanks. I definitely appreciate all the comments/feedback . . . and hope there's more to come. I've seen the error of my ways. : ) Seriously, the comments have really helped.
ReplyDeleteUnique voice, though he is rambling a bit. There's too many fairy tale references for an adult man MC. Even a gay guy wouldn't think that princessy would he?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if I'm hooked. Though the character is conflicted, I can't tell what your hook is exactly.
I agree with the other posters that the first paragraph could be broken up into two or three smaller ones- so much is presented therem, which made it hard for me to digest. However, the second paragraph hooked me- I think putting that right at the beginning would draw readers right in.
ReplyDeleteWell, I just loved all of it. I couldn't see anything to change. I even loved ther referal to the fairy godmother. I thought that was funny. It does ahve a unique voice and I would deffinitely read on.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
I'm with Trish on this. I loved the voice, the fairy tale comparisons, the dashes and questions, and the snappy humor (drag queens/sparkly dresses). I want to know what's happening at the stroke of midnight - I would turn the page.
ReplyDeleteWell done.
I liked the voice, but ditto that that first paragraph is WAY too heavy and overloaded. Also, I think you need to bring out the plot more--highlight what's "at stake" for your MC.
ReplyDeleteInteresting but I'm just not hooked. That has more to do with personal preference, though. I question the genre. Commerial and literary are on the opposite end of the spectrum. I didn't think you could have a book that is both. That's like saying you're a communist and a capitalist (which, I guess, would make you a socialist). If it's more character based, then it's more than likely literary.
ReplyDeleteAnja - you've made this comment re: commercial v. literary on a couple of posts now. I respectfully disagree with your assessment. This is an often debated point, but I am going to share my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteLiterary writing in my opinion is a style with careful attention to language, often prose with layers of meaning and rich in description, and a strong focus on character development. There is plot in literary fiction, but often some of that movement is beneath the surface.
Commercial as a label, to me, is about the sales potential of a work or the measurement of appeal. There can indeed be works of literary fiction with a commercial appeal - think Marilynne Robinson, Toni Morrison, Delillo, et al. There are tons of examples.
I like that you introduce the character's big conflict right up front, and I like the fairy tale metaphors.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the first paragraph is huge, and kind of rambling. It could be broken up into at least three paragraphs, and organized a little more coherently.
Also, choosing to have Jared never use contractions makes the piece come off as a little stilted, because he's not talking formally, but avoiding contractions is something that's characteristic of formal speech.
I agree that the first paragraph is too much. Break it up somehow and maybe think about saving some of this info for later. I also think the second paragraph might be a stronger place to start.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked because I'd prefer if you start with an actual scene rather than just telling us all of this info, but I like the conflict hinted at in this line: He was not sure of anything since a simple kiss from a friend – when is a kiss just a kiss? – became something oh, so, much more.
I really liked parts. The middle sections were overwhelmed by verbosity, though. Try reading it aloud. When you run out of breath, you know there's a problem! LOL. Seriously, you've got some good stuff going here and don't overwork the re-write. Just cut apart some sentences.
ReplyDeleteSorry, this felt like backstory info dump to me. You lost me in the first paragraph. I felt like I was listening to someone talking who just likes to hear the sound of his own voice.
ReplyDeleteBut it's obvious you can write, so show us this problem instead of telling us all about it. You have a good conflict here that everyone can relate to, which is an enormous asset.
Good luck!
Sorry, not hooked on this one. That first paragraph is so dense that my attention started drifting.(Granted it's late, but not that late.) Give us one thing, maybe two in the first graph.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely your audience for this, but I remain unhooked. All telling, no showing. It's like a summary of a book rather than the book itself.
ReplyDeleteIf the book is about what happens after midnight, then I'd shortern the first paragraph and have the clock tick over. If the book is about Jared kissing a friend and the uncertainty it brings to his long-term relationship, then start there, with the smooching and the gasping and the uh oh.
Cheers.
Break up the graph. I don't mind rambling, but having it all in one graph makes it too clunky.
ReplyDeleteGood writing though.
I like the title. I'm intrigued with the character because the set up feels typically chick lit but yet the narrator is a gay man. Interesting.
ReplyDeleteHowever, this whole opening is really a lot of telling and just backstory. Some of it is quite good, "He did not have a fairy godmother--though he new a few tired old drag queens..."
I'd love this to be more interspersed with an actual scene. I'd read a few more pages just to see if a story develops but I'm on notice.
Ditto on what others have said before - good premise, good voice, but too much backstory and the 1st para is a lot to wade through. Keep your best lines and imagery and edit the rest.
ReplyDelete