TITLE: BELOW THE MOUNTAIN LIGHTS
GENRE: COMMERCIAL FICTION: LITERARY
Appalachia: 1957
“Maggie, quit squirming. Daddy ain’t got time to fool with you.”
“Mama, I gotta go. Bad.” I clamped my legs and held my breath hoping she’d give in. A thick catalog swung from twine in the outhouse behind the store. I was busting to look at dolls and I ’spected Mama knowed.
“You’d better beat Daddy back.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t get him to fumin’.” I hopped outa the skeeter and hit the ground running, knowing Mama was wringing her fingers.
“Maggie, the roots. You’ll trip and break your neck.”
When I darted ’round the corner, two old women perched like hens on upended Pepsi crates under a rusty Nehi sign. That mean old Clayton’s mom was yakkin’. I knowed to stay away from him.
“He only married her because she was big. Why…..”
The other woman flipped her head at me and the words gritted down to nothing.
Dodging roots, I hurried down the path, flowers waving from the ground. The longest black tail feather I’d ever seen shined among the blooms. I grabbed it and run on.
They wouldn’t no waspers buzzing under the outhouse eaves. Getting stung scared me plenty. I stepped in, but forgot not to slam the door.
Sunlight squeezing through warped boards give what little light there was. I thumbed the catalog looking for the Betsy Wetsy dolls.
Ker-whap!!
The floor boards rocked. A black shadow wiped out the sunbeam. My heart bumped hard then lit in to fluttering like hummingbird wings.
I loved the little details of the scene - the Nehi crates and the old women chattering.
ReplyDeleteThe dialect was a little tough to get around in first person.
The descriptions are very compelling though. Perhaps I'd get used to the dialect with time. It does add a certain flavor.
Good luck.
I liked your descriptions, and the setting. I think the dialouge is just a bit thick.. in particular in this sentence.
ReplyDelete“Don’t worry. I won’t get him* *to* *fumin’.” I hopped outa the skeeter and hit the ground running, knowing Mama was wringing her fingers.
I love this line.
Sunlight squeezing through warped boards give what little light there was. I thumbed the catalog looking for the Betsy Wetsy dolls.
would definately read more..
I agree this dialect is almost too thick, but other than that, I'm hooked and would read on.
ReplyDeleteI love the feel and voice of this piece - I love the way the little girl runs out around the tree roots. I am worried that the dialect is going to make it difficult to keep going. It takes major brain power to keep up with some parts of it. Have you considered using it only in the dialogue? Or, like in 'These Is My Words' where she started out w/ the thick diaglogue and then slowly dropped it as she went along to make it more palatable for the reader? If you haven't read that book -you should for consideration of this issue. Just some ideas. Still, it is beautiful and lyrical and full of great images.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for all the wonderful suggestions and kind words.
ReplyDeleteI thought the dialog might be tricky, and that's one of the main things I wanted to get feedback on. It's what sets the entire region this little girl grew up in apart from the rest of the world, especially back in the 50's. She does learn more proper English, and the narrative and her speech will reflect it, but it's after she starts school.
Tess, I think that's a good idea to use dialect in just the dialog. It would work if the story was written in third person, but with Maggie telling it in her own words, I don't think it would work to have the narration different from the dialog. What do others think?
Again, thanks everyone for the comments.
Keyboard Hound
The dialect slowed reading, but really made me experience the passage. Would it invoke as strong a feeling if you limited dialect to dialog and occasional thought?
ReplyDeleteFor instance, Charlaine Harris will occasionally use disctinctivly Southern phrases in narrative while capturing speech authenticity, end result being that we experience the Southern without struggling. Perhaps a balance can be found.
I'm going to be the one to say "no" to dialogue only. Yes, it was difficult to start with, the speech thick and unusual. But, it put me where I needed to be to experience the scene, get into the flavor of the piece. By the end of the passage I was getting my rhythm.
ReplyDeleteGreat main character and great voice. Thanks so much.
My advice is to keep the dialect, but tone it down. It doesn't need to show up in every sentence. Also, I hope you know what you are doing -- if you get it wrong, I, as a reader, would never forgive you.
ReplyDeleteBecause I don't know the dialect, I can't tell if the sentence, "They wouldn't no waspers buzzing under the outhouse eaves," but to me it looked like it was missing a verb.
Also, is she trying to say "I won't get him to fumin.'" or "I won't get him *too* fumin.'"?
I was amused by the idea of going to an outhouse to look at a doll catalogue.
I wouldn't say the dialect is too thick. It may take a little getting used to, but the reader would probably get into the swing of it before long. But it might be a good idea to start without too many really hard bits and ramp up from there.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is great -- crunchy and vivid. "The other woman flipped her head at me and the words gritted down to nothing."
Just one quibble, I was confused by the references to Daddy. “You’d better beat Daddy back.” “Don’t worry. I won’t get him* *to* *fumin’.” Any way to make that less perplexing?
I like the voice of this character and I think it's one that would stick with readers. Like Tara, I think you should keep the dialect, but maybe not in every sentence. This dialect really does work in distinguishing that area of the country. I think middle-graders could handle it. I loved the details about the store and outhouse and could definitely visualize the setting. Yes, I would read on.
ReplyDeleteSorry, the dialogue's so thick it's distracting. Tone it down. Maybe to just using phrases you might hear in Appalachia, rather than writing it in dialogue.
ReplyDeleteThe Ker-whap scared the heck out of me, simply because uh-um... outhouses are tucked in nightmare territory to begin with for me. ;]
ReplyDeleteYes, I would read on -
Your voice and setting work are awesome!
Nice job<:
I love this sentence: The other woman flipped her head at me and the words gritted down to nothing.
ReplyDeleteOverall I am not hooked. Part of what put me off was the idiomatic language. Like reading Huck Finn, I suppose it takes some getting used to, and 250 words isn't enough to do that.
I think you've nailed your voice, though. It's just not something that made me want to read on.
I love the voice! I'd keep reading. I love of the feel of this, you created a nice visual.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love the character's voice. It just paints the place and culture and time so well! My only comment is that at some points the accented speech gets a little heavy and hard to understand what's going on. If you trim it back a little bit, then I think this would be amazing. I'd absolutely read on!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to be the odd person out here, I guess. I absolutely LOVED the language in this. That may be because I have relatives who talk exactly like your narrator, so I had little trouble understanding what she was saying (after gittin' my citified ears twisted around it).
ReplyDeleteI think this is delightful, and I'd definitely read on. It has a sad-sweet "flavor" already and that "ker-whap!!" against the outhouse scared the bejeezus outa me. Helzafire, woman. What in tarnation is goin' on?
I would so love to read the rest of this. :-)
Well I loved all of it, especially>>The other woman flipped her head at me and the words gritted down to nothing.
ReplyDeleteI loved all the dialog and I loved the hook at the end.
Yep, this is one of my favourites.
Good job. I'm hooked.
I love stories that take me to a different place and time, and these 250 words definitely do that. I would absolutely read on. Hooked! Good work.
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone! You're giving me some good things to think about. I appreciate every comment.
ReplyDeleteDialog such as this is still used in many places and among certain pockets of people in Appalachia today. I know that does not make it any easier for others to understand though, but it is a colorful part of the heritage.
That leaves me with a dilemma: to stay true to the heritage or to trim it down to fit modern ears.
Incidentally, disorderly, you nailed part of Maggie's story with her comment about the "sad-sweet flavor." I'm so glad that comes through enough to pick up in the beginning.
Onetiredmama, you've hit the nail on the head, as usual. Maggie's word really was a different time and place.
Again, thanks all. You've given me wonderful insight!
Keyboard
I just want to add, I like it exactly the way it is. It really pulls you in, and it did take me a minute to get in the swing, but I did.
ReplyDeleteI like it how it is. The dialogue is very real. I should know, grew up hearin it. ;)
ReplyDeleteHooked!
Oh, I do have one nit--That mean old Clayton’s mom was yakkin’. I knowed to stay away from him.
Should that be stay away from her?
Sarah, I meant it to be stay away from him. He's a nasty kid in the story. Yep, been there, spoke it, lived it, too!
ReplyDeleteThanks both of you for your comments.
This ms is going to be the next "Little House Books"!
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to get a copy of this book in my hands!
What do others think?
ReplyDeleteLOVE LOVE LOVED IT!!!!!!!!
I agree w/Anon up there--this just might be one of those books that takes a sec to get into but once you do, you're along for the ride!
Good luck to you!
I liked this and didn't mind the dialog. I did get a little confused with the black feather, though for some reason. Is that important to the story? Also, the fumin line - I think if you just cut the "to" it would read a lot smoother "I won't get him fumin" - and it'd still keep the voice.
ReplyDeleteOverall, nice job. I did wonder if the outhouse would have a smell?
Blodwyn, thanks. The black feather comes into play in the next couple of paragraphs. And you're right about the smell. I've never seen an outhouse yet that didn't stink. I cut a few things I might shouldn't have to get within the 250 words. I originally had Maggie taking a deep breath before going in the toilet, too.
ReplyDeleteYou're right about losing the "to" in front of fumin'. It might read better for modern readers, even though people from an earlier time used it like that. I originally had it mad and fumin', which would have been understood by all, but I cut to save a few words there, too.
Again, thanks. I'll make some changes based on your comments.
Keyboard Hound
I like dialect quite a bit and despite a few rough spots where the writer didn't complete the sentence (and the dialect isn't the reason why--look at the sentence that begins with "When I darted 'round the corner..."), it's probably worth reading a bit more just to see if it smooths out.
ReplyDeleteI know the narrator is worried about her father (but not too worried to go and look at catalog dolls) but I'm not sure about the reference to Clayton.
Not sure why forgetting not to slam the door is important and then of course, I'm not sure why the floor boards have rocked.
So I'm probably going to read on a few more pages but I can't say I'm overwhelmingly engaged with this story. I just can't tell if it's all foreshadowing or just the writing not be tightened enough.
I have no problems with the dialect. It is true to the characters and the setting. It is unique and different yet easy to follow. For me, it adds to the story instead of bogging it down.
ReplyDeleteI had to let you know that I can't get Maggie's voice out of my head. I'll have to buy this book when it's published. This is another one of my favourites. It's different and I love it.
ReplyDeleteI'll add my 2 cents to the people who loved this. I would have to read on to find out who has caught her in the outhouse - daddy or Clayton.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is soothing to a heart who's been away far too long from the familiar sounds here - my mother's been gone thirteen years, and this brought back so many memories. Thanks for that gift!
My only complaint would be with your choice of using the word "wouldn't" when referring to the lack of wasps. Someone just learning this dialect is going to think this is a major typo. Wasn't might be a better choice, but that's simply MHO.
Very nicely done.
Thanks so much to all of you for all your wonderful words! They're balm for the soul.
ReplyDeleteSecret Agent, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to address you, but concerning your comment:
"I'm not sure about the reference to Clayton. Not sure why forgetting not to slam the door is important and then of course, I'm not sure why the floor boards have rocked."
All of these things have to do with what's to come in the next couple of paragraphs. It's my attempt at foreshadowing.
Sissy, thank you so much. I know exactly what you mean. It touches me that my writing has brought back good memories of your mom to you. What greater compliment could anyone ever wish for? Thank you. Sometimes I get so homesick for lifestyles and a generation of people who are fast being enveloped in the modern world. That's the main reason I'm trying to record some of their struggles and life patterns in written form before it's all lost. Fiction is the best way I know to do it.
Thank you Trish. I love your Molly, too.
And thanks to everyone else for their advice and kind words. It will all be taken to heart when I edit.
Keyboard Hound
Didn't see anyone else point this out but forgive the repitition if I missed it... nitpicky thing- when her mama calls after her after she goes running to the outhouse, exclamation points on "Maggie, the roots! You'll trip and break your neck!" would give it a more natural feel. The periods make it read flat. Other than that, I really loved this and am DYING to read more or even just know a synopsis! I have read 15 other entries so far tonight and this one stuck out the most to me by far. Well done!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on making the cut so far...
ReplyDeleteYou go girl and we writing friends will gladly eat your dust!