GENRE: MIDDLE GRADE
Molly Mavis Gumnut pedaled up the hill away from the riverbank. Mud clung to her clothes and dried on her legs. Chewing bubblegum, she reached the top, then whizzed down the dirt road. Stupid soggy prawns, she thought. I need better bait.
Her tackle box rattled when she whipped around a sharp bend. Suddenly a kangaroo leaped across the track. “Crikey!” Molly swerved to the right and jammed on the brakes. The bike skidded, throwing Molly to the ground.
Angela Bloomfield ran toward her. “You could have killed my dog, stupid!”
Dazed, Molly scrambled to her feet and rubbed her elbow. “He shouldn’t be chasing kangaroos.” She squatted to stroke the puppy. “Hello, Griswald.”
“Get lost!” Angela shoved her away. “You’re filthy.”
“It’s only mud.” Molly brushed a wet curl from her face. “I’ve been fishing and I fell in the river. Can I hold your dog?”
“No! You stink.” Angela snorted.
Molly popped her bubblegum and pulled a tree frog from her backpack. “Here, say hello to Spudgun.”
“Yuck! Get that slimy thing off me.”
“He’s beautiful.” Molly set the frog free. “Are you coming to my party? I’m getting a pet for my birthday.”
“No, you’re not,” said Angela. “I heard our mothers talking. Your mother said she’s getting you roller-skates instead.”
“You’re lying.” Molly gave Angela her meanest squinty-eyed look. “She said I could have a pet when I’m nine.”
“Roller-skates,” repeated Angela.
“Guess what, Angela Broomhead?” Molly clenched her fists. “You’re not coming to my party!”
I like this version of Molly a lot better. I loved the frog- this reminds me of myself when I was that age. The only unclear part to me was when the dog suddenly came in- at first I thought Molly had mistaken the kangaroo for the dog. But I would definitely read more!
ReplyDeleteI love the tension between the two girls. The dialogue reads true.I like Molly right away (she's spunky!). I was unclear and thought that the dog was mistaken for a kangaroo (which was a cute/clever thing) - but was there a real kangaroo that the dog was chasing? I'm still confused on that. Also, I wonder if Molly would be hoping for a specific pet. 'Pet' seemed too general and this piece was so full of rich images and details that I wanted Molly to hope for something more specific. What pet did she long for and why? Still, I really liked this first page and would read on!
ReplyDeleteAgree. The kangaroo and dog thing through me at first. But Molly is a very real character and I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteOops! Didn't mean to make the above post (12:07) anonymous. I'm terrible at posting and getting it right.
ReplyDeleteKeyboard Hound
Trish,
ReplyDeleteI really like this. I agree with everything the other critters said. Ending the sentence with "stupid" threw me, too, a bit.
I will add that I especially like your verb choices which add another level to the visualization — like "jammed on the brakes" and "whizzed down the road."
And I especially like the "meanest, squinty-eyed look." You're very good at giving us the exact image. I love it and would definitely read on.
Great opener. I have kids this age and this conflict and dialogue is right on target.
ReplyDeleteOn the first read, I was also confused about the kangaroo and dog. Didn't keep me from enjoying the story, but it would only take a couple of words to make it clearer.
Nice. I've read some of this before and I'd definitely read on. Molly is a charming tomboy. I grew up with a few Angela's, so I know her, too.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have any trouble with the dog and kangaroo, but did think that when Molly calls Angela stupid, it might read better if stupid came at the sentence beginning. A quick reads makes it sound like she's calling the dog stupid.
I love the interaction between the two girls, and you give some great details. Good job!
Molly is a girl after my own heart. I love how Angela calls her filthy and she replies that it's only mud. That cracked me up.
ReplyDeleteHer love of animals is so endearing, and really sets up the conflict over whether or not she's going to get a pet. Because you know she really wants one.
Loved it!
Hooked. Great humor. This is well written and I love Molly's tomboy character.
ReplyDeleteCute characters. Anything with kangaroos is good. *g*
ReplyDeleteThanks every one. I will have to add a little to make it clearer that Angela's dog is chasing the kangaroo.
ReplyDeleteThe feedback is great and so helpful.
Trish-
ReplyDeleteIt's always great to see Molly! I missed her funny antics!
I shouldn't have taken out the words, "I'm not stupid. Your dog should be on a leash."
ReplyDeleteI was trying to save the word count. I shouldn't have. I've put it back now. Thaks every one.
Not much else to say since you're going to revisit the dog and kangaroo part and you've already fixed the "I'm not stupid..."
ReplyDeleteI did like this, Trish. Molly is energetic and endearing. I hope she gets a pet at some point in the story :)
Good luck.
The things that stood out to me were already pointed out by others, so I'll just say that I'm hooked and would definitely read on. Great job! =)
ReplyDeleteI like Molly already! Believeable character!
ReplyDeleteAlmost, but not quite hooked. The dog thing needs a transition, since the previous animal mentioned was a kangaroo. Also, the girls’ conversation jumps around without any transitions between thoughts (ex: going immediately from a pretty tree frog to a party). I get that kid’s thoughts often do jump around like this, but the narrative here has a jarring feel, more than a natural flow.
ReplyDeleteMolly is an amazing character. I love her so much already. She's so quirky! Also, captures a sparkling child's tone perfectly. Title is good. I would pick it up just because of that. Dialogue is cute and realistic at the same time. Hooked, for sure.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much everyone. The feedback is so helpful. You all rock!
ReplyDeleteLori, thanks for pointing that out. I did actually cut some out in order to show Molly’s character in 250 words.
I was trying to show that Molly was trying to befriend that bully of a child, Angela by inviting her to her birthday party and showing her the frog. But she secretly knew Angela didn’t like frogs. (I thought that would show both characters personalities.) I took out a few words to fit as much as I could in the 250 word count. I shouldn’t have done that. I will change it back, thanks again, Lori. That helps.
Here is the sentence about the kangaroo and the dog:
Dazed, Molly scrambled to her feet and rubbed her elbow. “You’re the stupid one, letting your dog chase a kangaroo.”
Icy Rose, *Hugs* and thank you.
Great dialogue. Right on with mg. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteTrish - you know how much I love Molly, and you've done a fine job of letting us see her grow.
ReplyDeleteI love the mud comment, also. And her honesty always - for all her faults, she has such a delightful innocence - even when she's anything but!
There's only one thing that doesn't work for me here, and that's the placement of the chewing gum sentence. It somehow seems out of place for me. I think you've struggled with it beore, but maybe I'm the only one who's struggled with it.
I've made a suggestion, and I know it's not right, but if you decide to change it, this might be a helpful starting point. Again, I hope I'm not offending.
Molly Mavis Gumnut chewed her bubblegum in perfect rhythm as she pedaled her bike up the hill away from the riverbank.
Best of luck with this and all your Molly stories.
I really enjoyed it and would definitely read more! :D
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sissy. I know what you’re saying. I thought about making that sentence longer, but we only had 250 words to work with and I wanted to get that last sentence in. The bubblegum plays such an important part of this chapter, so I added more action to the way she chews her bubblegum before she has her Aberjabla moment.
ReplyDeleteI will consider that in my revision though, Sissy.
Thanks everyone, all of these suggestions are so helpful.
I have added to the sentence about the kangaroo. It now reads: Suddenly a kangaroo leaped across the track, followed by a dog.
I liked the opening two paragraphs because I liked the line "I need better bait."
ReplyDeleteAfter that I was confused. There's a kangeroo and then a dog chasing it? The dog isn't mentioned until the following dialogue.
And although there is a lot of tension between the two characters, I wasn't sure of the purpose behind the dialogue. Read to me like a lot of backstory set up via dialogue rather than something to move the story forward.
With that line change I think it reads much better- that'll take the confusion right out. The confusion was the only thing that bothered me about this, though.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Secret Agent. You’re comments will help me to improve my opening pages to all of my books. This has been a wonderful experience.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Authoress. You’ve changed my world, for the better, of course.
And thanks to all the other writers. You’re all wonderfully helpful.
Thanks again everyone.
ReplyDeleteI wrote this scene as the set up to Molly being punished for what she does next, and spoiling her own dream of receiving a rabbit for her birthday. She only has a week to solve the problem she's caused herself. I’ll think of a new way to open this scene. Thanks every one for the great advice. You’ve all given me a lot to work with.
Another special thanks to Authoress and The Secret Agent. This place is buzzing like a bee hive, It’s wonderful.
Trish, this has improved so much, and I liked it before.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a fun story! Love it!
Yeah, totally hooked!
I always love Molly and think you've done a great job tightening it up. My critiques would be similar to others' - the dog isn't set up, and the dialog is a bit choppy. I think I've mentioned it before in another critique - it feels like Molly's just coming up with some stuff between the frog and the party. I'd maybe clarify with her thoughts why she's bringing up all of these things. But I LOVE the conflict between the girls, especially Angela's repeat of roller skates, it just makes me laugh every time I read it. Good work.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Bolodwyn, I agree about the frog, dog and kangaroo.
ReplyDeleteLast night I re wrote it, and took out the frog, brought the dog in later and added more clarity about the upcoming party. I also made the conversation clearer to show where the story is heading.
I love how it reads now. Thank you so much every one. That was fantastic. I can't wait for the next one.