TITLE: Unwittingly Charmed
GENRE: YA fantasy
Tuuli’s hand skimmed over the shallow bowls, pale in the stingy light. She reached for the contents of the last dish, praying to Tapio, the god of the forest, that her lilyweed bulb was at least free of bugs and bruises and disease.
She glanced at the hourglass on Professor Kolme’s desk. Maybe five minutes left. Just enough time to complete the final step before the end of the Unusual Properties of Wildflowers practical quiz. Only then would she be able to escape to a classroom where the hair on the back of her neck didn’t stand erect, anxious at every sound that reverberated between the four stone walls.
The wooden handle of her knife felt chilled in her hand as she chopped the bulb into miniscule pieces. Her movements were slow and deliberate, so not to let the blade slip and wreak havoc on her flesh, as she was apt to do. The knife had been neglected for what looked like more years than she cared to imagine. Its dull edge, on several attempts, skidded off the slippery skin of the lilac-colored bulb, leaving nary a mark.
A faint smile touched her lips. She had succeeded without incident, and in spite of her trembling hand and the lackluster blade, the pieces were perfect. Or at least as close to perfection as could be expected given the circumstances.
I'm inescapably reminded of Potions class in Harry Potter -- is Kolme anything like Snape?
ReplyDeleteIt's probably a bad sign that, though I'm a Potter fan generally and a Snape fan specifically, this doesn't hook me. It's not that there's anything wrong, but being nervous in class is such a normal feeling for a teenager that I can't see yet why I should care about this teenager or this class or this world. No doubt there are good reasons to care -- maybe you could start the story differently?
As always, take crit with a grain of salt! You know your tale, and I've just seen 250 words of it.
Good luck with your novel.
I knew I would get dinged at sounding like Harry Potter. It isn't ... no wizards or witches. If I didn't know better, I would have made the same comment. So don't worry, I won't take offense to the remark.
ReplyDeleteI like Tuulie, but I'm not sure I'm hooked. I would continue on, though, to find out what the main conflict would be and how this ties into it.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I was also reminded of Harry Potter. I don't particularly mind -- I'll let the Secret Agent worry if it seems to much a clone and just go on my own tastes.
ReplyDeleteThe "god of the forest" sounded interesting, and the writing flowed well.Personally, I would keep reading.
It flowwed smoothly, but there wasen't enough of a hook for me. I would probably read on to find out a little more though.
ReplyDeleteThe two and's read a little awcward to me. Maybe cut one of them.
"Pale in the stingy light" probably refers to her hands, but you have it connected to the bowls.
ReplyDeleteIf she's doing something besides making a potion, perhaps you should mention that to take away some of the HP feel.
Also, if this test is an important moment for her like her final chance to pass the class, mention that to give her and the reader more of a stake in what she is doing.
The first paragraph had me thinking of fairies and elves because of the names and the god of the forest reference.
ReplyDeleteI immediately thought of Harry Potter during the second paragraph.
Not enough conflict to get me to turn the page. And the second paragraph sounded too Miss Potter-ish.
ReplyDeleteBut, I really liked your first paragraph. The little prayer sent to a the god of the forest and the imagery of a lilyweed bulb possibly infected with bugs, bruised and disease.
Good luck.
Just because the poor girl is taking a test, she's automatically labelled a Harry Potter? That hardly seems fair.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading!
I'm intrigued. In a way, it does sound like Harry Potter, but Tapio, the god of the forest, threw me. He's from Finnish mythology. I'd read more to see if it's the same god and if something disastrous happens to the test. I'm assuming something happens otherwise there's no conflict. Right?
ReplyDeleteI like the set up, but the language feels too mature for a YA protagonist. Also, this tends to get overly-wordy in many places, taking away from the tension you’re trying to build. Tighten it up a bit, and I think this would be a really engaging read.
ReplyDeletePotter comparisons aside...
ReplyDeleteI appreciated the details. They were handled well and made me read avidly for the purpose or payoff or what's at stake with all of the careful attention she's giving to these bulbs. I imagine that Tuuli is this very detail oriented character. But by the end, I didn't get the payoff I was looking for.
I'm trying to think of similar scenes I've read through that worked. I feel this is really good and really close. Perhaps Girl with a Pearl Earring, where her fascination with detail is central to the plot and her place in it.
Very well written. I'm very close to hooked. I'd read a little further.
This is fun. Just wait till you get to the part about gowns and kirtles, and boys courting girls. That's a hint as to why the language is as it is--hence why it isn't a urban fantasy.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your feedback.
Your words curve and flow beautifully. I'd like more action on the first page, but I'm a child of the times. I'd definitely read on to see what will happen.
ReplyDeleteHum... to me this is tension without context. She's taking an exam. She's clumsy. Is there any other reason for this to be a big deal? Especially since she succeeds without incident.
ReplyDeleteAlso, writing could use tightening. Some long, wordy sentences (middle paragraph)
I wasn't hooked.
IMO, the middle graph should be at least two. Break it up at the four stone walls. and The wooden knife...
ReplyDeleteI'll admit, 2nd graph felt Harry Potterish, as others have said, and I honestly think you could move it around where it doesn't.
I do like it however, and would love to read more!
I like Tuuli and the setup with the classroom. I was also reminded of HP, which from what you said would be resolved once no witches and wizards appeared. I would like to see something more happening in order to get hooked in.
ReplyDeleteI must admit I'm currently rewriting this novel as an urban fantasy. Tuuli, who is a grade 10 honor student, fails her AP biology exam...like she ends up failing her exam here AFTER the first 250 words. That should solve the whole Harry Potter comparison thing. It might have also help if I had called the teacher Mistress Kolme, but I didn't think of that until yesterday.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your comments.