TITLE: THE GIRL IN THE BOX
GENRE: COMMERCIAL
Labrador would not have figured in my life at all if Inez had not killed Jerry.
It isn’t only Labrador. I can’t count the things I would not have seen, or done, felt, decided, learned or known ... if Inez had not killed Jerry.
People ask how I feel about what happened, and I say, “I’ve put it behind me, I’m okay with it.”
It's true that Jerry’s death, and Inez’s part in it are more distant now, more bearable. Even what happened in Labrador is not as horrifying as it once was.
But getting to this place took everything I had.
The far north of Labrador is easier to write than talk about. It's done up in more shades of white than a snowy
owl has feathers. The katabatic winds roar down the mountainsides and blow the edges off the icecaps, and
could probably blow your head off too, if you were ignorant enough to venture out. There are dangers all
around, from sudden blizzards to avalanches, frostbite, falling ice. It’s impossible for flesh-and-blood not to be
affected. There also are the Northern Lights, hanging in the sky in wispy curtains, shooting out coloured rays,
and polar bears that dive from fifty-foot icebergs into the sea. You can’t see the end of anything, sky or sea or
snow. The North makes your soul want to leave your frozen body and go adventuring without you, and it
penetrates your skin, so that the winds get you wild, and the vast ...
I think something fascinating is about to happen here, but it hasn't happened quite yet. I read the first line and thought, "Hm. Well, that's fairly hooky." After that, though, I found myself plunged into a lengthy (and lyrical) description of Labrador when what I really wanted was to know how Inez killing Jerry changed things. (Of course, it's possible we get that info in the next graf....)
ReplyDeleteDon't get me wrong: I'm all for the slow burn in an opening, but in this case the killing almost seems to have been tacked onto the beginning for the sole purpose of generating interest. If Labrador is going to be a character in the story all by itself, why not figure out a way to grab readers with THAT character instead of insinuating Inez and Jerry where you don't really want to deal with them in any significant way? (Just a thought.) :-)
I absolutely loved some of your descriptions: "...the Northern Lights, hanging in the sky in wispy curtains" and "You can’t see the end of anything, sky or sea or snow" particularly stood out for me. Nice!
I'd probably read on because you did such a good job of dumping me right into a place I've never been, and you did it on a visceral level. Right now, though, I'm not hooked. :-(
Your first line hooked me. I'm not sure about the rest. The descriptive parts are a little cliched (i.e., 'more shades of white than a snowy owl has feathers'). Still, that aside, I definitely had a good impression of Labrador. Your writing flows well and definitely draws me in to the story . . . though not enough to want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI might need to brush up on my geography, but I wasn't clear that Labrador was a place when I started reading. My first thought was a dog and then I thought it might be a person. Just something to consider. (And no, I'm not blonde. Or a previous Miss America contestant. Promise.)
ReplyDeleteI was lost. The first line was oddly worded, and I couldn't figure out if Labrador was a person or a town or a magical land. I wanted to like it, because the last part of your opening line is way hooky, but the Labrador part threw me.
ReplyDeleteYour narrative is very good. However, I became a little bored after it went on for so long. I want to know why Inez killed Jerry. And how she did it. As others have suggested, you might start out with the narrative, but less of it, and then hit us with the murder aspect, just at the right moment.
ReplyDeleteI probably wouldn't read on if the Labrador narrative went on very much longer.
Oh dear. I appreciate the comment about the first sentence. It needs work, perhaps.
ReplyDeleteThe whole book is about why Inez killed Jerry - actually, about who killed Jerry - so you'll have to wait for that part!
I'm writing this mostly to say that the piece came out all chopped up in a funny way. It's not how I wrote it, so please ignore the formatting, if you can!
Thanks for all the helpful comments so far.
Oops. I didn't mean the first sentence should be changed "perhaps". It should be changed for sure! I meant "perhaps by changing the order of the phrases" - duh. Typing too fast! Nerves!
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph is the hook for the book. Inez killed Jerry. We have no idea who Inez is, who Jerry is or who the protagonist is, but we do know -- murder is going to be in this story somewhere.
ReplyDeleteBut getting to this place took everything I had. So the book promises to show this.
Then the world building begins. I like Labrador (as soon as I figured out it was a place and not a dog *g*). I wouldn't want to live in place full of blizzards, avalanches, frostbite and falling ice, but it's a nice, scary backdrop for a story which involves a murder.
Whether I kept reading on or not would still depend on the book jacket premise, just because I would want to know the genre beyond "commercial." Is it a murder mystery? A thriller? More on the literary side? That would make a difference in whether I was interested in reading it, but from what I've seen so far, I would keep going.
The only thing lacking here, I think, is an immediate connection to a sympathetic protagonist. This across as more of a caper or idea story. I assume the character becomes clearer as we read.
It hooked me in the first few sentences, but then there was too many mentions of Inez killing Jerry. I don't think you need all three of them. You already get the reader hooked after one.
ReplyDeleteI loved the descriptions of Labradore, but they went on a bit too long. I would have liked a little more about who was killed or why instead, but then again, that is the hook to make us want to read on.
I'm still hooked.
I'm hooked and I'd keep reading. I think the writing is beautiful. I like to have a picture of where I am in the world. Lovely.
ReplyDeleteSorry not hooked. I take it you're referring to Labrador, New Foundland. Okay, with the beautiful descriptions here, you've got me sold to visit the place one day. But I felt distracted from the story.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I must say the formatting made for a lovely poetry :)
ReplyDeleteI liked the first part - up to "The far north of Labrador..." Give your reader a brief description and then get on with the story because you have an excellent hook and I want to know about Inez and Jerry and how they influenced your life. Besides, I've lived in the Arctic - I prefer the simple description - cold, lonely, vast, spendid.
Good luck.
The beginning hooked me, but the long paragraph of description unhooked me again. You're letting go the momentum of a nice opening to give us a geography lesson, and no matter how well that lesson is written, it's not what we were promised.
ReplyDelete"Labrador" is tricky. I understand it's the name of a real place, but using it in your opening in this way creates confusion for the reader, especially one who's not familiar with parts of Canada. I first assumed Labrador was a person, and then a poorly-named dog. Once I discovered in paragraph four that it was a place, I had to go back and re-read everything so far.
If you want to keep the prose as-is, I'd consider re-naming Labrador to something that sounds more clearly a town/city/region. Authors often do this when they want to write about a real town but make up some geographical features or areas; in your case, you could write exactly about Labrador but call it North Peaks or whatever. Or, if Labrador is a large area, perhaps you could use the name of a smaller section of it in the opening instead.
Cheers.
Sorry, but not hooked. The first paragraph feels like you’re beating us over the head with the fact that Inez killed Jerry three times in a single paragraph. Trust your readers to get it the first time. Then the second paragraph is way too long, with way too many details thrown at the reader all at once, and no sense of POV or plot movement.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. Normally I'm not a fan of so much description right at the beginning, but your writing is so lovely it didn't bother me.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments that you need to make it clear right from the start that Labrador is a place, not a person, though.
Rich setting, but I think this would be stronger if you showed more, told less.
ReplyDeleteYour first sentence hooked me (though I must admit, it made me think Labrador was a person), and then you lost me between the choppiness of the rest of that paragraph and the sudden jump to the description of the far north. There are some sharp, unique images in that section (“polar bears that dive from fifty foot icebergs into the sea”), but they get buried under the sheer mass of description. What’s happening to the narrator right now? Where is (s)he (more specifically than the general region of Labrador)? Those are the kinds of things I want to know on the first page.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to connect the death of Jerry to the description of this landscape and I'm not able to.
ReplyDeleteUltimately, this sample is too oblique for me so I'm not hooked--especially something labeled commercial fiction.
Sorry!
This seems almost fantasy. And I too thought Labrador was a dog. :)
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't until graph 4 that I realized it was a place.
Maybe: The city of Labrador (or country, or whatever), would not have figured into my life if Inez had not killed Jerry.
I think I'd lose the second graph.
And the line: It's true that Jerry'd death... Is good, but the next needs a little more. Not sure what. Maybe just reworded.
The description of Labrador is beautiful, but I think it's too much in the opening. can you maybe swirl it around action?
I do really like this, and would read on!
I mostly agree with what has been said - so much description of Labrador, I felt bogged down, although I loved your imagery and I hope that you can keep it if you work in the descriptions of Labrador later. Isn't Labrador a ski mountain somewhere?
ReplyDeleteI think you need to decide if the story is about Inez, Jerry, the MC here, or Labrador. Yes, you have a nice hook in the first line. Nothing else is about that topic, though. (Except for the 2nd reference to Jerry's death.) Good luck!
ReplyDelete