TITLE: BITS & PICES
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Bits’ crush, football star Chase, and his bereaved family have just moved into the house her father lost along with his job. Awkward. Even better, Chase shows up at her tutoring gig ineligible because of grades. The friendlier they become, the more Bits hopes he won’t find secret letters she left behind in his attic. The discovery could ruin the one thing that just might save their senior year from grief and crushing expectations.
I didn't really get hooked until I got to the part about the secret letters. This really intrigued me and sound like a wonderful plot device for conflict and tension! I would like to know more about why his family is bereaved. Is Bits the tutor? If Chase was ineligible, how did they become friendlier? I'm wondering if she does tutor him after all, but the pitch makes it sound like she doesn't.ReplyDelete
I love the title. The last three sentences are gold. Makes me want to read, but I can't get to them because the first two sentences are awkward and don't really set up the second half. I have questions, but I feel like I need to know the answers instead before I start reading.ReplyDelete
This first line is confusing. I think it's trying to say WAY too much when all we need to know is what incites the story (my guess is that it's him moving into her old house). After we know that, we need to know what her goal is for the story. Does she want to get her letters back? Why is this going to be difficult and what does she have to lose if he sees them first?ReplyDelete
Like Holly said, I think you can condense the first line. I would say, 'Bits' crush has just moved into the house her family lost'. Awkward... Then,sum up the stakes a little more concisely. The last line seems awkwardly worded. Having said that, this seems like an intriguing story. Best of luck!ReplyDelete
The premise of this manuscript sounds fantastic. I think you shouldn't use the girl's nickname (Bits) in this because it is confusing for the reader.ReplyDelete
Just refine the beginning and I think everything will be much clearer.