TITLE: MFO - Mars Farthest Out
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
On an isolated rim of the Milky Way, wounded teen soldier Mars Jäger of NuMar endures a grueling, cybernetic rehabilitation. Secretly embedded in his new form is a monstrous weapon he must learn to control. Growing self-awareness reveals innate cosmic powers streaming from the Symphony of the Spheres and that this life is but one of an infinite continuum of existences preparing him to save mankind.
This reminds me a big of RED RISING. A few questions: what is the symphony? It sounds like the title of an orchestra.
ReplyDeleteAnd why does he have to save mankind? He's a soldier but that in itself doesn't indicate a total cosmic war.
Love this. Sounds like you need to clarify the stakes. I'm guess it has to do with controlling his new powers. What must he learn/overcome to make this happen? I suggest omitting the Symphony from your pitch and keep it focused on Mars. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the premise, but the wordiness of the first sentence is a bit of a mouthful. It also might be more interesting to keep the conflict focused on the monstrous weapon he personally has to deal with, rather than branching off into broader cosmic implications. I agree that cutting the info about the Symphony would make it stronger.
ReplyDeleteThis is too passive and too wordy. You need to tell us what your character wants and what he needs to do to get it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
This almost feels as though you're pitching two books...'of NuMar' (while interesting sounding) isn't needed, especially in such a wordy first sentence. Same with 'On an isolated rim of the Milky Way,' for that matter. I'm going to assume there's a place/battle where Mars was injured. Maybe that first line could simply be something along the lines of 'After almost dying in the battle of _______, teen soldier Mars Jäger endures a grueling, cybernetic rehabilitation.' Then 'Secretly embedded in his new form is a monstrous weapon he must learn to control.' can lose 'he must learn to control' and be replaced with exactly what that weapon can do to him. For instance: 'Secretly embedded in his new form is a monstrous weapon waiting to turn his brain to mush (you get the idea I hope :D).' And, really, that might be all you need...good luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat premise. I agree that you could make the wording a little more streamlined. It might be that you're packing more information in here than is needed for a brief pitch. Good luck!
ReplyDelete