Thursday, March 29, 2018


TITLE: The Arch
GENRE: YA Fantasy

Twins Bianca and Cole have been kidnapped and separated in a world of dragons and magic. An undead sorceress with an army of shadows stands in their way of getting home. She's searching for her own brother while seeking to unleash total chaos on all worlds, including the twins home. If Bianca and Cole can’t stop her, their world and each other, will be lost to oblivion.


  1. This sounds really interesting, but I'm not sure you need to mention what the sorceress is searching for. Maybe you could tell more about the twins instead or give some comps. Good luck! :)

  2. What makes Bianca and Cole the only ones capable of stopping this sorceress? I'm not suggesting you have to upsell the 'chosen one (chosen two?)' angle, if there even is one, but the choice of words makes it feel like *only* Bianca and Cole can stop her, so I'm left wondering...where's everyone else with teeth in the game? Are all of the other strong, capable, determined people in the world dead or something?

  3. Focus on the protagonists, why we should care about them. We know more about the sorceress than them. Her "issues" will add elements of interest to the story but the hook is these separated twins and what they need to do to get home. You say she stands between them with her army and home but I can't picture that so I'm not relating (or getting hooked) -- yet. You know those things, the reader needs to see them.

  4. Cool concept, and I like the title. But if "the arch" is very central to the story, should it maybe be brought into the pitch? (Not necessarily, but something to think about.) The main question I'm left with is whether the sorceress kidnapped the twins, and if so, why? Is it related to her brother somehow? I do really like the idea of the sorceress' motivation being finding her brother. It feels very humanizing.

  5. I agree that you need to focus on the protagonists. The sorceress is only relevant in how she opposes their goal of getting back home.

    Good luck!