TITLE: VESNA IN THE CANYON
GENRE: YA Fantasy
In 19th-century Montenegro, 18-year-old Vesna Pavlović wants, nay, deserves to live a wealthy life. But when a monstrous water nymph kidnaps her rich fiancé, Vesna finds herself at the brink of penniless spinsterhood. With little more than a donkey and a gun, she sets out to save him—and her chance at wealth. Becoming the water nymph's thrall was not part of the plan.
I'm intrigued by this. I particularly love the line "little more than a donkey and a gun" -- such a great set-up! My only thought is I feel you could do without the last sentence. Personally I felt it wasn't needed and that ending on "her chance at wealth" feels stronger.
ReplyDeleteI really like how you've infused this with voice: nay deserves ... a wealthy life, brink of penniless spinsterhood, not part of the plan. I'm intrigued by the time period, the setting, and water nymphs. I would like to know why the MC is so fixated on wealth and why she is limited to a donkey and a gun. Sounds like something I would read.
ReplyDeleteI think this pitch really paints a picture! I agree that the last sentence isn't the strongest ending. Maybe you can rework it into another part? Either way I think you've set up the story well.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot, because it has a strong voice and shows us what the tone of the story would be. But the last sentence does seem kind of tacked on.
ReplyDeleteThis is an intriguing pitch! I'd like to know a little more about Vesna though and who she is. A few descriptive words would do. Is she the daughter of a merchant? An orphan? Etc.
ReplyDeleteThis sentence saves your pitch. "With little more than a donkey and a gun, she sets out to save him—and her chance at wealth. Becoming the water nymph's thrall was not part of the plan." The beginning turns me off. I've already decided it's like worn out themes. Start with what makes your story different.
ReplyDeleteI'd be happy to see a query and the first 10 pages of this. Please follow our submission guidelines at the Andrea Brown Literary Agency website, where you will also find my email. In the subject line, write QUERY: AUTHORESS.
ReplyDeleteJennifer Rofé, Andrea Brown Literary Agency
This sounds great! Please query me with the first three chapters. Click my name for a link!
ReplyDeleteI find the focus on wealth here is making your protagonist unlikable. I would rather hear that she loves her fiance than hear that she wants him for his money.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Very intriguing pitch. The colorful wording in the first sentence suggests a great voice, but threw me off. But hey, you got an agent bite, so what do I know? Congratulations.
ReplyDelete