Thursday, March 29, 2018


TITLE: Invisible Me

When a high school senior’s genius friend turns her invisible to protect her from his kidnappers, she has seven days to rescue him or remain invisible forever. His abductors are after her next, since she holds the key to invisibility. Avoiding their traps and deciphering clues, she discovers what she's made of when it's up to her to save not only herself, but also her best friend.


  1. This could be really interesting, but it falls a bit flat. Who are these people? Does it really matter that she's a high school senior? Having a name would make this easier for me to follow, and free up a word or two for a description of what type of traps she's avoiding.

  2. Invisibility and kidnappers sounds interesting, but I had trouble deciphering the pronouns in the first sentence. It would be good to know why the invisibility is a big deal, other than being, well, invisibility. What problem did the genius think it would solve, and what problem do the kidnappers think it will solve? What else, besides the kidnappers, does the girl have to save herself and her friend from? i.e. death, permanent incarceration? These things might give us a hook into their world.

  3. Great premise. The pitch is a bit confusing, however, and I think that could be mitigated by giving "her" a name, and cleaning up why he chooses to turn HER invisible. Is it circumstantial? It sort of sounds like her being invisible is exactly why she's being chased.

  4. I'm a little confused by the magical element here. If she holds the key to invisibility, why does she need him to not stay invisible forever? It sounds like he's the only one who knows how to do this so I don't understand why they want her, too. Maybe clarify her role versus his.

    I'd also remove some of the adjective's in the first line. It's YA so you don't have to tell us she's a high school senior. I would honestly prefer a name and age.

    Finally, "she discovers what she's made of" is cliche and tells me nothing. We want conflict here, and this is too meh.

    Good luck!

  5. This has potential, but that first sentence was a mouthful. Too many 'her' and 'him', which made it confusing. It would be better to give their names. I also agree with the previous poster that 'what she's made of' is cliche. Give us more specifics and this will be great!