TITLE: The Greater Good
GENRE: Adult Thriller
An ER resident’s improvised tracheotomy with a kitchen knife probably saved his son’s life. He finally knows the devastating, true cause of the boy’s worsening symptoms. Advanced Genomic Research offers hope, but he discovers their twisted use of stolen DNA and must keep quiet to save his son. Trouble is: He’s an accomplice.
There are five things revealed here: a man saves his son with a tracheotomy, he discovers the "true cause" of his son's illness, there is hope for a cure, the organization that can offer the cure is doing something shady, and he is an accomplice to the shadiness. That covers a lot of ground. The tracheotomy seems like a dramatic opener to the work itself, but maybe doesn't fit within the pitch--to make the stakes clearer, I would remove the first sentence, and help the reader identify the main emotional conflict this father will face.ReplyDelete
I'm really confused by this. Who is the "their" in the 3rd sentence? And what is he an accomplice to and what does this have to do with his son needing an emergency tracheotomy? Finally, who is doing this research--the resident?ReplyDelete
It's not clear how sentence 1 leads to sentence 2. The tracheotomy is dramatic but I don't see how it would lead to MC diagnosing his kid, so if it's supposed to, then I'd like more information.ReplyDelete
I'm a huge fan of medical thrillers, so this is definitely up my alley. However, I feel like the last sentence doesn't exactly jive with the rest of the pitch. "He's an accomplice" comes across as weaker than the rest and raises more questions than it answers. An accomplice to what? I think you need a little more here to end with a bang.ReplyDelete
I agree with most that there is something here that is intriguing, but the pitch needs some help. I would try working with the line that starts "Advanced Genetics Research..." and seeing what you can do.ReplyDelete
The goal seems clear (save his son), but the rest is still murky.
Suggest starting with the fact your MC is an accomplice in whatever genetic research corp is doing bad stuff. Then include how the son's life is inked to that bad stuff.ReplyDelete
Or maybe he's an accomplice after the fact? I can't tell from the pitch which comes first.
Thank you all for your comments. I agree with just about all of it. I'm finding that sometimes I'm so close to the work itself, boiling it down to a few lines is tough. Appreciate all the helpful feedback.ReplyDelete
Does this seem clearer?ReplyDelete
An ER resident discovers the devastating, true cause of his son’s worsening symptoms. Advanced Genomic Research offers hope, but only if he joins AGR’s growing army of doctors who covertly take DNA samples of patients to create the massive database needed to advance their research. When he discovers AGR’s true agenda, he must choose to expose the conspiracy or keep quiet to save his son.