TITLE: RIGHTFUL (FRIENDS vs THE WORLD)
GENRE: Adult Mystery
Majid Jaber was ascending the flight of four verde-green steps in his way to step up the podium. He got stung back with the fresh memory of the, nearly similar, yet wider, lengthier, lush covered steps he had recently scaled.
He felt like a debilitating old man experiencing a heart attack. That was not entirely unfathomable as he sensed he's got much older at the impact of the last year's blood-curdling events when he was only forty-seven.
Ascending another couple of leveled steps on the uplifted stage, Majid drifted back to reality from the agonizing recent memory he will carry into his burial. He caught the sight of the two far men settled at the panel over his head to the right.
He nodded appreciatively at the new president for the seventy-second session of the United Nation's general assembly, elected by the countries of Eastern European Group. The head of the gavel –recently handed over to him by the previous president– peeked over Majid's head; threatening to keep order; something that the greatest multi-national entity has been failing to do to the world.
The furthest man at the hefty wooden-lined, verde-green marble encased panel was none other than Danielle Medicci, the UN Secretary-General and Majid's childhood friend. The Italian, highest UN rank official was peering over at his friend with maddening concern that the entire capacity filling the UN general assembly hall –of officials, reps and media contingents– were failing to notice. All because they had been all following Majid’s striding up for the speaker’s podium with not much lesser fervent looks.
There’s some nice foreshadowing here, I found myself intrigued by what, exactly, Majid had experienced. I did find myself stumbling on some of the repetition present here, though. Colors, sensations, the reader gets a lot of the same information over and over again. I’d also say that less is more in a scene like this. To tell the reader that something was “blood curdling” does not make it so. We get more of an emotional punch by watching Majid be unable to move, by thinking that he’s experiencing a heart attack based on a memory, rather than being told that he experienced something horrific.ReplyDelete
It seems an important scene that has lots of gravitas, but I feel it's weighed down with repetition, backstory,and explanation. I wanted to feel hooked and a sense of urgency at the beginning of a story...it's hinted at..that this talk has world importance, but I want to feel it...show it through the arguing country representatives maybe...ReplyDelete
I think the setting and initial starting place for a story (the UN - at a seemingly important meeting/event?) is solid and unique, however, there are some tense issues and quite a few grammatical challenges that pulled me out of the description. And, I agree, that there is repetition that also weaves away from what is happening. I'm interested though...in what happened to Majid, about his friendship with the Italian, and about what he's doing there. Thanks!ReplyDelete
This is a really interesting setting for some intrigue.ReplyDelete
I got a bit lost due to pronouns, and character's described by their jobs, in the fourth paragraph. As I understand it we have in the room, at least:
His childhood friend Danielle Medicci who is also the UN Secretary-General.
A bunch of faceless officials, reps and media contingents (no problem with this, but perhaps a little sensory of the room will make them more real. Chatter quieting down as the Sec. General looks at Majid, or the heat of a crowded room.)
And I am not sure, is the previous President of the Eastern European Group, who had handed over the gavel (to Magid?) there?
So, I guess I'd say. Decent start, great setting. I'd encourage some polishing.