Thursday, March 29, 2018



Allyson's in a coma and she can hear everything the doctors are saying. She knows they’re keeping her in a coma for money, but she can't tell anyone. With a VR system implanted in her brain, she's given a second life she doesn't want. Using hacking skills, she'll help a boy return home but when he doesn't come back, she has to survive Aishwarya, queen of the VR world or split her soul to the brink of death to return home.


  1. There is SO much going on, I'm not sure where the story is. Is it that she's in a coma & the doctors/someone wants her money, is it rescuing the boy or the fight with Aishwarya. I feel like this is three different books.

  2. I love the Black Mirror vibe I'm getting from this! I got a little confused toward the end. If the boy didn't return, does that mean the hack worked? Why won't it work for Allyson as well? What exactly does she have to do to return home? Sorry, but splitting her soul is not entirely clear.

  3. I'm a little confused as to why these doctors are keeping her in a coma for money and who implanted the VR system (and I'd call it a "chip" because system makes it sound like there is something the size of an XBox in her head!) Is she some kind of guinea pig for a "mad scientist" type who's trying to prove his invention? If you're going to mention your antagonists this way, you're going to need to motivate them in a way that makes sense.

    Other than that, I'm guessing her goal is to wake up (although you never really say should!) If so, how does saving the boy help her achieve that? And what does this queen of VR have to do with the docs (assuming they developed the VR world)?

    Good luck!

  4. I like the premise, though I did feel as if it could be two different stories. I suspect that's because there's so much going on in the story that the plot did not switch as much as it started with the real world and moved to another. That is only a guess. If you can streamline the two, this query grows more interesting. Good luck!


  5. Thank you for the feedback. I came up with this:

    In a medically induced coma for the last 9 months, Ally can hear everything. With the hospital keeping her in a coma for money and convincing her parents to attach her to a VR world to give her a 2nd chance at life, Ally will do whatever it takes to wake up. Ready Player One x If I Stay.

  6. OH MY! Those comps are fabulous!!! I think this is much stronger without mentioning the boy, but I would like to see a small hint of what the VR world is like as it sounded dangerous in the original pitch. Maybe something added to the end like--All Ally wants is to wake up, but to have a chance she'll have to hack the system and defeat a ruthless virtual queen. Or something that fits your story better. :)

    1. Thank you so much for the feedback!

  7. I’d love to see this! Please query me with the first three chapters. Click my name for a link!