TITLE: Saving Mama
GENRE: Adult women's fiction
A Muslim woman is falsely accused of attempted manslaughter in small town Texas. The victim’s estranged daughter, Lizzy, rushes to her mother’s bedside where Mama’s overriding fear is an eternity in hell. Home for the first time in decades, Lizzy suffers the culture shock of a backwards town while reliving a teenage bi-racial love affair which ended in violence and, ultimately, implicates her mother. Highlights the similarities in racial and religious intolerance between two eras: 1970's and today.
Why her bedside? Is she dying because of being falsely accused, or is she just old? I feel like I missed a step. Is Lizzy from a big city? Something that happened in the 70s is only now implicating the mom? Is there new DNA evidence that made this happen? It's not a bad premise, but, hopefully my not knowing the full story can help you see where an outsider has questions. Is the main issue mom's fear of hell or exonerating her? Since you have the hell thing first, it sounds like that's the main plot, which isn't too compelling. Feels like it's more of a side plot that could be left out here. Lead with the major issue and the stakes. Let your MC be your stepping off point in the first sentence. What is HER story? Her issue? Best of luck! I hope this was helpful rather than discouraging! I'm sure you can do it. :)
ReplyDeleteThe last sentence feels unnecessary and tacked-on to me. Ditch it and overall I think you've got a good concept, though a few things could use some clarity. Why is Mama bedridden? Does it have something to do with the (false) attempted manslaughter?
ReplyDeleteI think I will make those changes. I need to make the pitch more straightforward and simple. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI feel like your pitch is trying to discuss several subplots:
ReplyDelete1. The falsely accused Muslim woman
2. Mama's (rightful?) fear of Hell
3. Lizzy's return home
4. Lizzy's past love affair.
None of these sentences really feel connected. Instead, I'd focus on only the main plot.
I agree that this is confusing. Is the Muslim woman the victim or the one accused of manslaughter and why are you mentioning this if the story is about Lizzy? If she's the main character, write this whole thing about her starting with what brings her home and then what she has to face and why.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Agree this needs streamlining. I would suggest leaving out the "bedside" reference, "home for the first time in decades," and the last sentence.
ReplyDelete