TITLE: Heaven Is Other People
GENRE: Adult Science Fiction
When 25- year old drug-addict and Mercury government security guardian, Camden Bence uncovers a conspiracy to take control of his world through a bliss-inducing religion called The Experience, he ignites a small rebellion to save his planet before it’s too late.
Interesting premise, but I feel like I need a little more of the stakes besides the world is being taken over. What about this makes it personal for him? (Enough for him to start the rebellion)
ReplyDeleteWow, there's a lot going on. First, consider breaking that sentence into two parts. Remove "When" and end at "The Experience." Start the new sentence "HE ignites..." Next, add a sentence to show what's at stake for him personally. Great concept! Good luck :_)
ReplyDeleteI agree with above. Try to make the stakes more personal and try to cut up the sentence. Also, consider focusing on just one aspect of the story. In this case, there might be too much going on if you talk about both the conspiracy and the rebellion. Maybe focus just on the conspiracy? Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI think you need to give us more justification for why he is the only one who can save the whole planet. And I agree that the stakes should be more personal. Does he want to save someone he loves as well as the whole planet?
ReplyDeleteHolly
I can see where this would be interesting, but I think 'and Mercury government security guardian' could be lost pretty easily. 1) it's a serious mouthful of big words that's a bit difficult to read through and 2) it's not really needed since 'drug-addict' is much more interesting. With that said, 'before it's too late' is seriously cliche, and impersonal. What's truly at stake for him? Also, I LOVE the use of the word 'small' :)
ReplyDeleteThis is interesting. There are some tweaks you can make to fix the issues people are addressing. "When the drug addicted security guardian of Mercury uncovers..." I know it's probably important to you but knowing his age isn't important and if it is there's no indication as to why. Also...too late for what?
ReplyDeleteJust needs a tighter focus on Camden with less copy.
ReplyDeleteGovernment guardian, Camden Bence is controlled by The Experience, a bliss-inducing religion. Even his addiction can’t hide their conspiracy to take control of his world. To save himself and his planet, he ignites a rebellion.