TITLE: Plagiarism
GENRE: Adult Thriller
In terms of cryptic instructions from an angelic presence, You need to be made a man had to be oddest. Skylos presumed it wanted him to lose his virginity. Dutifully, he hobbled through the alleyways among closed business in downtown Los Angeles. Was he in the right place to find a prostitute? You couldn’t Google those kinds of things from the library.
The wetsuit, green rubber gloves, and goggles had him sweating. After rounding a corner he rested on the windowsill of a convenience store. He discarded a shard of amber glass from his bare foot and wondered how many hours he’d been walking. At least two.
He trudged on through the throbbing cramped muscles in his crippled left leg. The angel had been adamant he complete the task. Above him a poorly illuminated street sign read Temple Street. He recited the route back to the homeless shelter.
“Temple, San Pedro, Adams, Central, Sixth…” He swallowed after each word, doing his best not to stutter.
"**** off!" yelled a voice ahead. As a car’s tires squealed Skylos hurried to the corner. Ahead a group of women waved their middle fingers and shouted. He slicked his hair back with the rubber kitchen gloves and sprang forward, revitalized by the sight of them. Wincing he jogged to their corner. The wetsuit clung tight to his lanky frame and creaked like a cricket as he walked. He held his head high, out of pride and necessity; the goggles covering his face had fogged from his shallow, panting breaths.
It's hard being the first to comment, but I'll try my best to give some constructive criticism on this. I'm intrigued by the beginning. I'm feeling like it's more of a YA or Fantasy than an adult thriller, but I can't be sure at this point. I'd like more information about the MC. How old is Skylos? If he's thinking he needs to lose his virginity, I'd assume he's pretty young. There are a lot of unanswered questions - Why is he wearing a wetsuit? Who/what is the angelic presence that instructed him to become a man? These make me want to read more to find out. One line bothers me slightly, "You couldn't Google those kinds of things from the library." As a librarian, I know you don't need to go to the library to search Google. Maybe this could be rephrased simply to, "You couldn't Google those kind of things." Hope my comments helped. Best wishes to you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback. It's so hard compressing things down into a single page worth of information. It's definitely an adult thriller. The first chapter starts with the antagonist, a 20-something, crippled homeless man.
DeleteI don't have a grip on the protagonist or his mission. His clothing and walking in bare feet in the streets make me think he has some mental health issues...and is he coming to the rescue in the end? Will he be the hero? ANti-hero? I need more clarity.
ReplyDeleteI think I've actually read your query (or draft thereof at least) on another site, so it's cool to see it here. I'm sure you can find mine in the same sub if you want - I'm #35 here ;)
ReplyDeleteHow about the good stuff first? I liked the overall tone. I got the feeling that there is something off about the character here. I also was able to paint a pretty clear picture of what things looked like -- except maybe his face, which is probably okay if not necessary at this point.
So, yeah, the pieces are all in place here. But I really think you could make this whole section better by trying to improve a few little things. First, the first line. Nothing "wrong" here, but it just didn't draw me in. I'd play with this a bit, see if you can make it stronger. Off the top of my head I'd start more with Skylos's thoughts ("Skylos wondered why the Angel wanted him to lose his virginity, but..."), or some kind of play on the Google line. Like I said, it's not bad, but I'd see if you can make it stand out a little more. The first line is really important.
Next, a little thing. Is he wearing that wetsuit under something? If so, I'd say so. Him walking around in just a wetsuit is pretty strange, even for L.A. I was wondering if he was hiding the wetsuit (for some nefarious reason) under a poncho or something.
In a few places, I thought there might be a comma missing (although I'm not the punctuation expert). "Above him, a poorly" & "As a car's tires squealed, Skylos" (more sure about the 2nd one).
Finally, the last paragraph seemed a little disjointed. Was the "(bleep) off" from the occupants of the car or the women on the corner? Little things like that pulled me out of the story. I'd recommend cleaning that up a little -- remove "yelled a voice ahead" and put in a description of the yeller instead for example. And just a little thing since I believe I know what this character is going to do -- I'd make his actions clear he is focusing on the women and not the car.
Little things, but hopefully they help. If I was right about the query part, the story sounds very interesting. Good luck with it.
Excellent comments and replies thus far, all! This is fun, isn't it! So, I was very intrigued by this MC wearing a wet suit...and a mask and rubber kitchen gloves. Why is he completely covering himself? What is he hiding? Because he is doing what an 'angel' told him to do, I wasn't really pulled out of the story when I read what the MC was wearing. There's definitely something unique with his body - and that he just pulls a shard of glass out of his heel? Is he not wearing shoes - even though the rest of him is covered? I also just watched 'The Shape of Water' and this MC reminds of the fishman in the film! Ha! In any case, I do agree that the first paragraph can use some re-shaping, but I'm intrigued. Very intrigued! Have fun!
ReplyDeleteI sat up in my chair when I read what Skylos was wearing. That really grabbed my attention. The cryptic note kind of came out of nowhere for me, but the imagery of a man dressed in a wetsuit, rubber gloves, and goggles was super intriguing especially set against the backdrop of downtown L.A. You have a cool character on your hands here, but make sure that we are experiencing everything through his eyes. If he's wandering the streets in search of something, what doe sit look like? What do the noises, the yelling do to him? Make sure we're really with him as he seems like a fascinating person to get to know. An intriguing start, but keep in mind that since this is s a thriller we need to start running/chasing soon.
ReplyDelete