TITLE: MASS HYSTERIA
GENRE: YA SCIENCE FICTION
I time my laugh to spill perfectly from my lips.
Except, the sensation rises from my abdomen like gravel tumbling through my mouth. Stacy turns in her seat with her lips pursed tight. She shakes her head. The other girls stop giggling. Their purrs of laughter in deep contrast to my piercing cackle.
They frown in unison - everyone but Stacey. She has an ‘I’m sorry I got you into this mess, Hun’ look on her face. Though lacking in most social skills, I’m easily able to read their expressions: ‘What the hell was Stacey thinking bringing the schizoid?’
I’m painfully aware something is off with me. On a scale of weirdness, I’m not Pinhead. I’m more Carrie, without the powers. I’d change this perception of oddness I convey, but I don’t know where to begin to work on myself.
So I don’t.
Glancing around the table, I attempt a quick recovery. “I have a dog, too. He’s the cutest little Pomeranian.”
My words are met with oohs and awws but Stacey shakes her head once, slightly. I don’t know why she does it. I’ve hit a cord with these girls. I block her shaking head and the bombardment of senseless information streaming through my mind and continue talking. “He’s a handsome little fur ball.”
“I love dogs,” One of Stacey’s friends says.. “My Jax is too freaking cute.”
“My little FeFe is too adorbs. What’s your dog’s name, Elizabeth?” Melissa, the closest girl to me asks.
“Norman Bates. He’s a -”
This is a good start, but I noticed a few things. You spell Stacy differently from the second paragraph where she shakes her head and the following paragraph.
ReplyDeleteThe very last sentence is cut off. Is this because she was interrupted or because you wanted to stay within the word limit?
I liked the reference to Pinhead and Carrie.
Oh my God. This is a lesson in why you shouldn’t make last minute changes. Cringe. I see another error. The last sentence isn’t cut off though. The MC gets cut off.
DeleteHaha, I've made simple errors as well, it's fine :)
DeleteThanks for clarifying what was going on with that last sentence
It took me a moment to get my bearings. My concern is that there are three pop culture references on the first page, ad all are from Horror, though the genre listed is science fiction. I'm taking that to mean we are at or around the present day. This is probably one of those instances were I had back cover copy, I would know where I was going in. Hope this helped and good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks Joseph. My MC and her best friend love horror movies so there are many references to specific movies and themes from horror movies. I was nervous about adding them but tried to use classics so I didn't date my novel. The reason behind the horror movies has to do with a scientific element in the plot. Gah, I'm saying too much and not enough. And yes, this is set in the present.
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DeleteReally intriguing set-up. I like the fish out of water scenario here and could feel how awkward it was for our protagonist to make conversation. I found myself wondering why Stacey brought this person and who they are to one another and why the protagonist would put herself in this situation. If there’s a way to give some of this information during this intro section, I think it would really help make the characterization stronger and engage the reader more.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments. I actually just took out a few lines because I felt it was too backstoryish about the MC and Stacey. I'll be sure to make the change back.
DeleteI think you portray that sort of cringe-worthy awkwardness so well - I have felt it myself lol. I am not sure if I am supposed to like Stacey (right now I don't) and I would prefer an idea of where they are exactly so I can begin to picture the scene. Right now to me this conversation is taking place in a blank space...I do like this MC and hope she finds acceptance.
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