TITLE: The Looking-Glass House
GENRE: Literary Fiction
Cline, Texas, 1964: A young nun is haunted by her Catholic upbringing, her desire for other women, and the ghost of her mother, whose suicide she witnessed as a child.
This sounds interesting and compelling, but I'd take out the part about being haunted by her Catholic upbringing -that doesn't seem to make sense for a nun. Surely she's haunted by the parts of herself or her past that don't fit in with that upbringing?
I think this is a good start, but I want to know more about the stakes and what's going on here. I know we don't have much space to work with, but I think if you give us a bit more info about the protagonist, or what happens to make this nun have to deal with these things, it might be a little hookier.
This character and the set-up are definitely intriguing. I think it's a great start. IMO I think you need to clarify the conflict, the concrete problem or choice that she's faced with now, and the consequences of the choice or action she must take. This definitely sounds unique (though dark) and caught my interest.
Very bold, very interesting! I would love to read this.
However, I think what you should clarify is why she became a nun in the first place when she's haunted by her Catholic upbringing. That sounds to me like she had no other choice than to become a nun, but never really wanted to knowing she didn't fit in. In other words: I understand how her desire for women and her mother's suicide would both be problematic for her, but I don't understand why her upbringing would be. I hope this makes sense!
This has potential but we don't have a lot of information about what's at stake if she doesn't face what is haunting her. Year and place are probably not necessary.
I disagree about year and date; I'm glad to have this information. I think it helps set the tone for the story. But I do agree that we need more about her goals, the obstacles she'll have to overcome, and the consequences if she fails. I know literary fiction isn't always as plot-driven, but in some way or another, the story needs a goal to strive toward.
I think this a good hook, but not a strong logline. Let us know what is at stake here and what about her goal? You sold me on the character, now try to sell her journey.
This feels like it needs more of a hook, something to show that there's going to be movement in the story. You've got an intriguing premise, but as I get to the end I felt like there should be a "but then..." or something like that, to make it a story, and not just a character description.
I agree with leaving in the year and the place. It's both an unusual period and place to set such a story and I think it profoundly impacts our perception of how the story may progress. This sounds like a really interesting book. I'll be looking for it when it's published.
This reads like backstory. Is she haunted before the novel starts or does something happen to haunt her? If the latter (and I hope it's the latter!) tell us what happens to incite this change and then tell us what the nun plans to do to get past it.
This is one crazy, mixed up nun. I think being so short and succinct is great and it tells me everything I need to know to make me want to read on. Well done.
I think the motivation and stakes are clear and implied in the sentence. My comment is a small one. When I read "haunted by", I thought, for a moment, that this is a paranormal book, so "Catholic upbringing" seemed incongruent. :)
i am interested in the young haunted nun, but want to know what she's going to do/face/avoid. she sounds like a great character, and i want to know what happens now!
I am definitely intrigued. But the logline gives me no clue as to the kind of book you have written: a philosophical discussion of the Catholic Church? A woman's life struggle? A story of escape? or acceptance. Give me a hint.
This sounds interesting and compelling, but I'd take out the part about being haunted by her Catholic upbringing -that doesn't seem to make sense for a nun. Surely she's haunted by the parts of herself or her past that don't fit in with that upbringing?
ReplyDeleteI think this is a good start, but I want to know more about the stakes and what's going on here. I know we don't have much space to work with, but I think if you give us a bit more info about the protagonist, or what happens to make this nun have to deal with these things, it might be a little hookier.
ReplyDeleteGood luck - this sounds really intriguing!
This character and the set-up are definitely intriguing. I think it's a great start. IMO I think you need to clarify the conflict, the concrete problem or choice that she's faced with now, and the consequences of the choice or action she must take.
ReplyDeleteThis definitely sounds unique (though dark) and caught my interest.
Very bold, very interesting! I would love to read this.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think what you should clarify is why she became a nun in the first place when she's haunted by her Catholic upbringing. That sounds to me like she had no other choice than to become a nun, but never really wanted to knowing she didn't fit in. In other words: I understand how her desire for women and her mother's suicide would both be problematic for her, but I don't understand why her upbringing would be. I hope this makes sense!
Good luck! This seems like a great read.
You've given us a lot of her motivations, but what is the conflict, the goal and the consequences of success/failure?
ReplyDeleteConsider cutting Cline, Texas, 1964. It isn't important. Give us more of the story.
This has potential but we don't have a lot of information about what's at stake if she doesn't face what is haunting her. Year and place are probably not necessary.
ReplyDeleteI disagree about year and date; I'm glad to have this information. I think it helps set the tone for the story. But I do agree that we need more about her goals, the obstacles she'll have to overcome, and the consequences if she fails. I know literary fiction isn't always as plot-driven, but in some way or another, the story needs a goal to strive toward.
ReplyDeleteI think this a good hook, but not a strong logline. Let us know what is at stake here and what about her goal? You sold me on the character, now try to sell her journey.
ReplyDeleteI'd leave the year and date, too, and add more about the story. I feel as if you've introduced a great character and left her on stage by herself.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Margot and Ewok's comments. It's a lot of set up, but not a lot of action, or stakes. I think this could be really interesting.
ReplyDeleteThis feels like it needs more of a hook, something to show that there's going to be movement in the story. You've got an intriguing premise, but as I get to the end I felt like there should be a "but then..." or something like that, to make it a story, and not just a character description.
ReplyDeleteI agree with leaving in the year and the place. It's both an unusual period and place to set such a story and I think it profoundly impacts our perception of how the story may progress. This sounds like a really interesting book. I'll be looking for it when it's published.
ReplyDeleteThis reads like backstory. Is she haunted before the novel starts or does something happen to haunt her? If the latter (and I hope it's the latter!) tell us what happens to incite this change and then tell us what the nun plans to do to get past it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
This is one crazy, mixed up nun. I think being so short and succinct is great and it tells me everything I need to know to make me want to read on. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI like this one. I remember this story!
ReplyDeleteI think the motivation and stakes are clear and implied in the sentence. My comment is a small one. When I read "haunted by", I thought, for a moment, that this is a paranormal book, so "Catholic upbringing" seemed incongruent. :)
ReplyDeletei am interested in the young haunted nun, but want to know what she's going to do/face/avoid. she sounds like a great character, and i want to know what happens now!
ReplyDeleteI am definitely intrigued. But the logline gives me no clue as to the kind of book you have written: a philosophical discussion of the Catholic Church? A woman's life struggle? A story of escape? or acceptance. Give me a hint.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for all the great critiques. I was able to develop a much stronger logline that includes conflict and stakes.
ReplyDelete