TITLE: Sylvan Legacy
GENRE: Historical romance with paranormal elements
A half-elven debutante in Regency era London must hide her abilities from not only potential suitors but an ancient brotherhood who feeds on magic. When she is forced to heal another debutante during a riding accident, with the man she loves as a witness, her mistake jeopardizes not only their relationship but her life if she is caught by the brotherhood.
I think you have a great start, but the second sentence is too convoluted. Maybe something like:
ReplyDeleteWhen she [heals] another debutante during a riding accident, with the man she loves as a witness, [she] jeopardizes not only their relationship but her [safety].
Good luck!
I really like this - the twist on fairies in Regency London is really cool. And I like the tightening sentence suggestion above.
ReplyDeleteBut I almost want more in that last sentence - higher stakes, or repercussions that will happen b/c she used her powers so that I'm completely hooked in.
Good luck with this one!!
I loved this premise. Consider cutting out some of the redundancy between the two sentences. Something like:
ReplyDeleteWhen a half-elven debutante in Regency era London heals another debutante in front of the man she loves, she jeopardizes their relationship and her life by the ancient brotherhood who feeds on magic.
I think Margot hit the nail on the head on this one.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a fun premise. I think Margot's revision is great because of the streamlining, but I would make one more change, to clarify the stakes.
ReplyDeleteWhen a half-elven debutante in Regency-era London heals another debutante in front of the man she loves, she jeopardizes their relationship and makes herself the target of an ancient brotherhood that feeds on magic.
The only trouble I have is that there are two girls in this sentence (both debutantes), so the pronouns gets confusing. If you named the MC, you could clarify.
I think you have some great advice above to work with. You have an interesting premise. Good luck with this!
ReplyDeleteAll is good, just rearrange the words in the part of the sentence that reads, "When she is forced to heal another debutante during a riding accident, with the man she loves as a witness,"
ReplyDeleteYou've got a lot going on here, and I think that the last sentence might be trying to accomplish too much.
ReplyDeleteI think you could also clarify "feeds on magic", and fix the pronoun issue.
My issues (streamlining and upping the stakes)have been addressed and I like the sound of this.
ReplyDeleteThe main plot seems to be the MC hiding from the brotherhood, and that part is good. I think the man she loves seems a bit shoehorned in, since I don't understand why him being a witness would endanger her if he cares about her, or endanger their relationship.
ReplyDeleteYou are missing a goal here. What does she want? Is it just to hide? If so, how does that connect to her being forced to heal another debutante and what is this mistake? Is it the healing? If so, how is it a mistake if she is forced to do it?
ReplyDeleteTry to focus on what she wants and how these obstacles will prevent her from getting it. I have the feeling that it is probably something to do with the man she loves, but as written, he's barely an obstacle.
Good luck!
Holly
I suck at trying to crit loglines. But the two things that bothered me (repetitive/lengthy and stakes) seem to have been addressed by others. I agreed with Abbe's build on Margot's especially. I don't really care "if" the brotherhood finds out. I want to know that they definitely DO find out.
ReplyDeleteI really like Margot's revision!
ReplyDelete