Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Logline Critique Round Two #16

TITLE: Elysium's Conspiracy
GENRE: Urban Fantasy

Ronnie is still discovering the ins and outs of her mortality, but reason tells her most people don’t hear voices. Worse, the voice she’s hearing has the power to take over her body and is obsessed with some vague notion of vengeance. If Ronnie can’t figure out why the voice is there and how to get rid of it, she’ll spend eternity locked in the back of her head, watching herself destroy Elysium and Earth.

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14 comments:

  1. Chris VOctober 9, 2012 at 11:30 AM

    I think this logline ends well, but it starts off a bit confusing. I think you need to ground us a tad more in the character and world. What type of person is Ronnie, what does she do (perhaps for a living)? How does she factor into Elysium and Earth? And I think you need to mention a tad more about Elysium, a hint of what it is, you know (a dimension, another planet, though I see this isn't sci/fi)?

    That said, the ending is good in that it establishes the conflict, goal, and consequences.

    Also, you want to keep the logline short, so I'd simplify what you already have when you add in that other information. Good luck!

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  2. ewokloveOctober 9, 2012 at 1:11 PM

    I really like the premise. You have all the pieces here, it just needs some tightening up:

    When the vengeful voice in Ronnie's head starts taking over her body, she isn't content to sit back and watch herself destroy Elysium and Earth, but until she figures out why it is there, she has no chance of getting rid of it.

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  3. UnknownOctober 9, 2012 at 1:48 PM

    I have a thing for main characters who hear voices, I don't know, I just do, lol. So, I immediately liked your logline after reading the first sentence. But there are some words/phrases in here you can easily swap out for much stronger terms. Figure out, get rid of, take over, some vague notion...those can be swapped out for stronger words.

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  4. UnknownOctober 9, 2012 at 1:49 PM

    I have a thing for main characters who hear voices, I don't know, I just do, lol. So, I immediately liked your logline after reading the first sentence. But there are some words/phrases in here you can easily swap out for much stronger terms. Figure out, get rid of, take over, some vague notion...

    ReplyDelete
  5. MeredithOctober 9, 2012 at 4:31 PM

    The last sentence is great and sounds like a good story. I'd drop the first two and maybe simplify with something like "A vengeful voice is trying to take over Ronnie's body."

    Nice job.

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  6. jnOctober 9, 2012 at 4:40 PM

    Consider making Ronnie's background clearer. Not sure this is right but as an example,

    Elysium alien Ronnie, is still discovering the ins and outs of her Earth mortality...

    I'm okay until the very last two clauses. I couldn't figure out if she is watching herself destroy Elysium and Earth only in her mind( going crazy), or truly destroying them.

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  7. JillHeidOctober 9, 2012 at 5:29 PM

    I agree with Meredith. I really like the last sentence, and it seems like maybe that might be a better place to start.

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  8. UnknownOctober 9, 2012 at 5:59 PM

    This is wordy for a logline. I don't get the transition between mortality and voices.

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  9. Feaky SnuckerOctober 9, 2012 at 6:06 PM

    This one raises a lot of questions - why is she discovering the ins and outs of her own mortality? What is she? Strip out anything that removes focus.

    The above posters have made some good suggestions for stripping things. I like the premise though.

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  10. A.J.October 9, 2012 at 6:28 PM

    I really liked this logline. I found it easy to understand and particularly liked the last sentence.

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  11. Lindsay KitsonOctober 10, 2012 at 10:07 AM

    I like the premise, I'm just a little confused on the character, not sure who the main character is that she would not be used to being mortal, and I got hung up on that. I read the rest looking for that answer and it's not there.

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  12. Abbe HogganOctober 10, 2012 at 11:16 AM

    Okay, I'm guessing Ronnie used to be something other than human, but it could be clearer. Maybe something like this:

    After (how long?) as a (what was she?)(in Elysium, maybe?)Ronnie needs to figure out how to be human, and the vengeance-crazed voice in her head isn't helping. Now she must (do something to defeat it) or she'll be trapped in her own mind while (whatever it is) uses her body to destroy Earth and Elysium.

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  13. Holly BodgerOctober 10, 2012 at 12:51 PM

    I don't think you need to say that she needs to find out why it's there as this is secondary to the goal of getting rid of it. Other than that, we need to know why this story starts now. Does something happen that makes her realize she must get rid of it ASAP?

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  14. BarbaraOctober 10, 2012 at 9:28 PM

    I don't see where the leading lines lead to the ending. More details?

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