Anton joined his brothers in the dimly lit study of their loft. Guntram, the youngest at eighteen, lounged in the window seat, long legs somehow managing to fit in front of him.
Anton joined his brothers in the dimly lit study of their loft. Guntram, the youngest at eighteen, lounged in the window seat, long legs somehow managing to fit in front of him.
I like this, especially the last part about Guntram's legs. It's a great description.
There is good description here but it doesn't pull me into the story. I'd like to know why he's joining his brothers in a dimly lit loft more than what his brothers looked like.
It's an interesting premise, but I think I'd like to see a bit more forboding woven into this. It feels like the brothers coming together like this is an unusal event, and I think that might be interesting to know right up front, rather than how long Guntram's legs are.
This one would really depend on the blurb, for me. If I knew something interesting (could be anything) was coming, I'd definitely keep going. But the sentences in and of themselves don't actually contain much of a hook.
This tells me too little, except that the writing itself seems solid. Here I really would have to read more to give any assessment. So as far as a hook goes, I'm not pulled in.
"Uninspired writing"? Matt, don't you think that's a bit harsh for a judgment based on two lines?
I like the dynamic developing here, and the writing is very well done, I thought. It's not "hooky," but I'd read on to see what's up because the description of Guntram is so good.
It's nice description, but it would completely depend on the genre and/or blurb. As it is, no, I'm not hooked because I generally am not interested in description with no idea of the action or conflict to follow.
Anton joined his brothers in the dimly lit study of their loft. Guntram, the youngest at eighteen, lounged in the window seat, long legs somehow managing to fit in front of him.
ReplyDeleteI like this, especially the last part about Guntram's legs. It's a great description.
There is good description here but it doesn't pull me into the story. I'd like to know why he's joining his brothers in a dimly lit loft more than what his brothers looked like.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds very, very familiar. I think I know where it goes from here.
ReplyDelete*is suspicious*
Where did I read this opening? It was good, but where did I read it?
*pokes Liana* You read it on your own blog, silly.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments, keep them coming. :-)
It's an interesting premise, but I think I'd like to see a bit more forboding woven into this. It feels like the brothers coming together like this is an unusal event, and I think that might be interesting to know right up front, rather than how long Guntram's legs are.
ReplyDeleteThis one would really depend on the blurb, for me. If I knew something interesting (could be anything) was coming, I'd definitely keep going. But the sentences in and of themselves don't actually contain much of a hook.
ReplyDeleteI like Lori's suggestion :)
Interesting dynamic of characters--a story about brothers, but there's no situation here. They are all just chilling.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't pulled in, but the character dynamic has me intrigued so I'd read the rest of the page.
This tells me too little, except that the writing itself seems solid. Here I really would have to read more to give any assessment. So as far as a hook goes, I'm not pulled in.
ReplyDeleteIt is well written and discriptive. But, it has no hook.
ReplyDeleteIt is good - but uninspired writing.
"Uninspired writing"? Matt, don't you think that's a bit harsh for a judgment based on two lines?
ReplyDeleteI like the dynamic developing here, and the writing is very well done, I thought. It's not "hooky," but I'd read on to see what's up because the description of Guntram is so good.
It's nice description, but it would completely depend on the genre and/or blurb. As it is, no, I'm not hooked because I generally am not interested in description with no idea of the action or conflict to follow.
ReplyDeleteJust a personal preference. :)
~Merc