The second sentence doesn't make sense to me. If you don't believe in God, how could He create something?
Having said that, the second sentence is good and could stand alone if you rework it. Maybe: I'm not going to tell you I believe in God. But, I will tell you I had a soul.
"God created life, scientists—clones, society—monsters. I'm not going to tell you that I believe in God, but I will tell you this, I had a soul."
I'm taking the disorganization of the first sentence as evidence of turmoil in the POV character's mind. And I don't take the character not telling me s/he believes in God to mean that s/he doesn't. I'm very interested in the whole clones, monsters, and past-tense soul part.
Ditto the comments above. 2nd sentence is hookier, e.g. 'had' a soul. I'm not big on spiritual/religious/angels & demons stories but I'd read the rest of the page to see what I'm in for.
I like the emerging concept here and the "had a soul" bit is quite hooky, but count me with the others who were put off by the unconventional punctuation and organization of the first sentence.
The organization threw me in the first line, and I had to re-read it several times to figure out what you meant, but as I really like the idea and tone behind this, I'd read on if you could untangled it a little. :)
I'm not a big fan of the organization of the first sentence, but the second one would keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteGod created life, scientists—clones, society—monsters. I'm not going to tell you that I believe in God, but I will tell you this, I had a soul.
ReplyDeleteI agree with meradeth. The organization of the first line is very confusing.
I think the second line should be the first.
The second sentence doesn't make sense to me. If you don't believe in God, how could He create something?
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, the second sentence is good and could stand alone if you rework it. Maybe: I'm not going to tell you I believe in God. But, I will tell you I had a soul.
"God created life, scientists—clones, society—monsters. I'm not going to tell you that I believe in God, but I will tell you this, I had a soul."
ReplyDeleteI'm taking the disorganization of the first sentence as evidence of turmoil in the POV character's mind. And I don't take the character not telling me s/he believes in God to mean that s/he doesn't. I'm very interested in the whole clones, monsters, and past-tense soul part.
I agree with Christy. Like the idea though.
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite sure. The religious overtones throw me a bit, but I'd probably read to the end of the chapter to see where this is leading.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea enough that I'd keep reading, but the sentences themselves need work. Great suggestions above.
ReplyDeleteFirst sentence--bad, reader not getting it--second sentence, good, make sense.
ReplyDelete:)
Ditto the comments above. 2nd sentence is hookier, e.g. 'had' a soul. I'm not big on spiritual/religious/angels & demons stories but I'd read the rest of the page to see what I'm in for.
ReplyDeleteI had to read the first sentence twice to get it right. Rework it or drop it if so many readers have the same issue. Second line is much hookier.
ReplyDeleteI loved it and would read more. I had no trouble reading the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteI like the emerging concept here and the "had a soul" bit is quite hooky, but count me with the others who were put off by the unconventional punctuation and organization of the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteSame issues with the first sentence as most, but the second sentence certainly has hook value.
ReplyDeleteThe organization threw me in the first line, and I had to re-read it several times to figure out what you meant, but as I really like the idea and tone behind this, I'd read on if you could untangled it a little. :)
ReplyDelete~Merc