She scurried backwards on her rear. "Please don't do this," she whispered.
I love the idea here! It is very intriguing - but I hate (sorry) the word "rear." It doesn't ring right - it sounds silly. To me. Unless this is supposed to be a comedic line?
I would change "whispered" to "pleaded" and explain the nature of her voice with an adjective.
I don't like the word "rear" either. I also wanted to know who she was. Of course, if we're in the POV of whomever she's talking with, leave her as she.
I'd still rework this a bit. Maybe: She scurried backwards. "Please don't do this."
She scurried on her rear? Really? Is that physically possible? I think your word choice is off, and I'm not loving this set up. See the editing suggestions above.
It's a good premise, but I think more active verbs would be more effective. I'm not feeling the visceral fear of the MC yet, and I think that's essential to having an effecive hook.
Eh, so-so. It's the first sentence, I don't have any reason to care about the character yet, so why does it matter that someone's doing something bad to her?
It's not terrible, though, and I'd read on for a page or so :)
Agree with the previous suggestions. Switch the lines and drop 'rear.'
As for the situation, I gather that she is in danger and someone is trying to hurt her, so it's setup clearly. However, this seems too familiar and I don't see anything unique about this story (from these sentences) I'd probably pass on this.
Whether to call it rear or bottom or whatever, I think the image is very vivid. That helped getting me interested. I agree with the commenters who would keep "whispred".
OK, I'm picturing her scurrying backward using her hands and feet to propel her, but in a sort of sitting posture so her bottom/rear/seat/posterior/backside/rump/buttocks/tush/gluteus maximus/a** drags the floor. (Yes, you may use that as your first sentence ... but I wouldn't. ;-) )
I like where you're going with this, and I completely see your predicament in describing that posture (if I got the correct impression)!
I might give some serious thought to putting the dialogue first. :-)
Agree with 'rear' that it always sounds a bit off. :P
I like the idea here (I actually like the action before the dialogue but that's me) however, I really do NOT like that she has no name. *shrug*
Unless the POV is with someone else who is watching her and doesn't know her name (though I get the impression we;re supposed to be in her POV here), I much prefer to see a name in third person openers. ;)
*has Opinions*
Anyway. With a bit of tweaking (have to agree that "scurried" seems like the wrong verb--scooted might work better) I think it would be a good opener. :)
She scurried backwards on her rear. "Please don't do this," she whispered.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea here! It is very intriguing - but I hate (sorry) the word "rear." It doesn't ring right - it sounds silly. To me. Unless this is supposed to be a comedic line?
I would change "whispered" to "pleaded" and explain the nature of her voice with an adjective.
I don't like the word "rear" either. I also wanted to know who she was. Of course, if we're in the POV of whomever she's talking with, leave her as she.
ReplyDeleteI'd still rework this a bit. Maybe: She scurried backwards. "Please don't do this."
I also agree with the 'rear' comments. Don't like it and I think it takes a smidge of your intended suspense away.
ReplyDeleteAlso, love changing 'whispered' to 'pleaded' - very effective.
It would work better as "scurried backwards" or "scooted backwards on her rear." Hard to scurry when you're on your butt.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I like it. Action, emotion, story question.
PS. I disagree with pleaded. Her dialogue is obviously pleading without the tag, but whispered shows us how.
ReplyDeleteMaybe start with the dialogue--it's a great hook.
ReplyDeleteI think the order of the two sentences should be switched. The dialog sets a great tone, and you can get the action in second.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the comments, I agree that the dialog indicates pleading, and whispered shows us how.
Good job! :)
She scurried on her rear? Really? Is that physically possible? I think your word choice is off, and I'm not loving this set up. See the editing suggestions above.
ReplyDeleteIt's a good premise, but I think more active verbs would be more effective. I'm not feeling the visceral fear of the MC yet, and I think that's essential to having an effecive hook.
ReplyDeleteEh, so-so. It's the first sentence, I don't have any reason to care about the character yet, so why does it matter that someone's doing something bad to her?
ReplyDeleteIt's not terrible, though, and I'd read on for a page or so :)
Agree with the previous suggestions. Switch the lines and drop 'rear.'
ReplyDeleteAs for the situation, I gather that she is in danger and someone is trying to hurt her, so it's setup clearly. However, this seems too familiar and I don't see anything unique about this story (from these sentences) I'd probably pass on this.
I like this.. I am wondering what is going to happen to her. I also like that she doesn't have a name, yet.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the word rear. I would keep whisper though.
I'm currious to know what's going to happen. I don't like the word read either though.
ReplyDeleteWhether to call it rear or bottom or whatever, I think the image is very vivid. That helped getting me interested. I agree with the commenters who would keep "whispred".
ReplyDeleteOK, I'm picturing her scurrying backward using her hands and feet to propel her, but in a sort of sitting posture so her bottom/rear/seat/posterior/backside/rump/buttocks/tush/gluteus maximus/a** drags the floor. (Yes, you may use that as your first sentence ... but I wouldn't. ;-) )
ReplyDeleteI like where you're going with this, and I completely see your predicament in describing that posture (if I got the correct impression)!
I might give some serious thought to putting the dialogue first. :-)
Agree with 'rear' that it always sounds a bit off. :P
ReplyDeleteI like the idea here (I actually like the action before the dialogue but that's me) however, I really do NOT like that she has no name. *shrug*
Unless the POV is with someone else who is watching her and doesn't know her name (though I get the impression we;re supposed to be in her POV here), I much prefer to see a name in third person openers. ;)
*has Opinions*
Anyway. With a bit of tweaking (have to agree that "scurried" seems like the wrong verb--scooted might work better) I think it would be a good opener. :)
~Merc
I liked it! I'd definitely read on. Just a couple minor notes:
ReplyDeleteScurried is too playful, too fun for someone whom I think is being portrayed as terrified. How about scraped/retreated/scrambled?
Also, I'd skip the "she whispered" on the end... it feels repetitive. We know it's her by the first sentence.
So, like this:
She scraped backwards into the corner. "Please, don't do this."