DREAMS: PARANORMAL ROMANCE
“Then the guy went around a corner and this bloody dead guy jumped out in front of him and jerked him through the wall! It was so cool. You’ve gotta see that movie!”
The couple in front of Gillie had spent the last several minutes discussing some stupid new movie, and she’d been subjected to the entire plot. Ghosts. Hah! She just couldn’t understand why people went to see stories like that when everyone knew there was no such thing. Serial killers, sure, those were scary movies most of the time. But ghosts?
“Oh please, hurry up,” she mumbled under her breath. She’d been standing in line for the past ten minutes, and it didn’t seem to be getting any shorter. Too much longer and she’d miss her appointment. She feared the landlord might rent to someone else if she did, and the space was perfect.
Another drone finally paid for his latte and left and she took a tiny step forward. There is a God!
A good cup of coffee, that was all Gillie wanted. She usually went to a small shop around the corner from her new apartment to buy it. But it closed the week prior for renovations so here she stood in the never-ending line at Starbucks. Shouts of “Half caf, Shot of Cinnamon, Whipped, No Froth, Ginseng sprinkles,” burst forth from the yuppie caffeine junkies around her. The noise almost deafened her as each shouted his or her order louder than the next person.
This seems like foreshadowing, but nothing really happens here. I think you were trying for a sense of urgency with her missing her appointment, but it wasn't urgent enough. If it were that important wouldn't she bypass the coffee. I'm not hooked, but I think with a little tweaking and increasing her sense of urgency would make me read on.
ReplyDeleteThere's not a lot of story questions to hook a reader. Like Amanda said, no sense of urgency.
ReplyDeleteBut - I like the voice and could see/hear/smell the atmosphere at Starbucks. I could also sense her impatience with the couple ahead of her.
The voice is compelling and the except well-written, but you need a hook here.
ReplyDeleteWhy is this scene important?
Not quite hooked. Too much explaining and not enough actually happening. The descriptions of the starbucks was pretty funny. The only intrigue was her doubting ghosts existence. If that is what the hook is supposed to be, you should play it up more.
ReplyDeleteMy expectation -- she's going to meet ghosts. Sadly, I can't tell what the hook is from just this beginning, or from the title, which is pretty generic. Maybe a blurb would explain the premise better, but if you could possibly indicate the central conflict sooner, it would work better if all you can show is the first page.
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ReplyDeleteThis was well writen, but there needs to be a better, or should I say quicker hook. You could write the coffee part in a little later and have more of the hook earlier on. Maybe?
ReplyDeleteI would read on though.
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ReplyDeleteDitto on the other comments that there needs to be some action or tension to Hook the reader into this world, and the chance of losing an apartment isn't really strong enough IMHO. But, the voice is definitely good and feels fitting for this character.
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ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued. There's no hook yet(or maybe I'm too tired to see it), but I'd keep reading. Of course that might have something to do with it being a paranormal romance. It's my new thing...especially if it's YA.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Paranormal isn't something I read but I find it intriguing. I need a reason to read it though and there isn't one yet. Put action, make it tense to catch my eye and make me want to care about the Character. I think the voice is really good. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comments :D
ReplyDeleteI have noticed, unfortunately, that many of the entries are very promising but seem, like mine, to need another 250 words to get through the hook. So I appreciate everyone's input :)
I'm very happy with the comments regarding my 'voice'. I'd managed to write my own voice right out of the story after listening too closely to the critique partners I have. It took a great deal of work to turn it back into 'my' story. I think I'm almost there.
Is it against the 'rules' here to point people to the rest of this snippet online? I don't know, this is the first time I've entered. I wasn't really sure I should even comment yet, which is why I'd deleted my first two.
Again, thank you all so much! Very, very appreciated.
I like the voice, but I think this could be tighter.
ReplyDeleteIn the second paragraph you have "Gillie had spent the last several minutes" and then in the third paragraph "She’d been standing in line for the past ten minutes". Maybe there is some way this could all be shortened/ combined? I don't want to keep being told what's already happened, I want to know what happens next.
How important is the last paragraph about the coffee shop? Maybe this should be cut, shortened or moved somewhere else? I also wondered why she didn't just skip the coffee if she's worried about missing out on the apartment.
Also, you might want to make the setting a little clearer right from the start. At first I thought she was waiting in line for a movie.
She has an appointment with a landlord, but then in the last paragraph you mention that she usually went around the corner from her "new apartment." That threw me.
ReplyDeleteI think the yuppie-coffee orders thing has become a bit of a cliche since Steve Martin first did it in LA Story years ago (omg, 17 years ago! I just checked). Might want to get something fresher.
Also, I was kind of put off that she called another customer a "drone." That's sort of catty and doesn't endear her to me.
You mentioned that you need another 250 words to get to your hook, but do you really? Do we need to know what her appointment is for now, or just that she doesn't want to miss it? Do we need to know that the coffee shop around the corner closed?
When I read the line about ghosts, I thought this was going to be an obvious case of "skeptic is forced to believe."
ReplyDeleteThe beginning didn't quite hook me because it doesn't have anything distinctive for me to hook onto - either voice, character or event wise.
I do pick up a bit of Gillie's agitation, but that might not bode well for enjoying the story. Something needs to make me want to spend more time with Gillie from the start.
One printed page is about 250 words, so these paragraphs, more or less, will be what the reader sees when she opens your book.
ReplyDeleteThink about how you browse in a bookstore. Here's what I do: I look at the front cover; I glance at the back and read about half of it, enough to ensure that the book doesn't contain things I prefer not to read, like horror or heroines who splash brand names around like water; I open the book to the first page and start reading. Most of the time, I barely read two paragraphs before I know the book is not for me. I suspect you do something similar.
When the reader opens your book in the bookstore, this is what she gets: woman buys coffee and doesn't believe in ghosts. No matter how well it's written, that's not a compelling opening. The reader may be marvelously hooked if she turns to page two, but if she's not hooked on page one then she won't get to page two at all.
If your hook is in the next 250 words, start the book there instead. We'll have pleanty of time to enjoy your voice after we're hooked on the tale of Gillie and the ghost.
Good luck.
Not hooked. Sorry! I'm just confused. Why in the world is she waiting to buy coffee if she's late for her appt.? If the apartment means that much to her, she'd be arriving early to make sure she got it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, nothing is happening in this scene. If the overheard conversation about ghosts is supposed to be our prelude to ghosts being real, there's got to be a better way to introduce that.
I love the writing and the voice. I want to read more to see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice, but am agreed that not too much is happening here. Additionally, I find myself a bit annoyed with Gillie's attitude toward the other people at Starbucks, perhaps it's part of her character but she seems like a bit of a snob.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I know you're trying to foreshadow, but do it with action. Show something sinister on the way to this appointment. She wouldn't be in a long line for coffee of all things if it meant missing an important appointment. If it's important that she misses it, have the city bus breakdown or something.
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