TITLE: Ignite
GENRE: YA Fantasy
"Dammit!" I ran downstairs and out the front door, cursing the entire
way. This was the third day in a row that I had slept through my alarm,
and if I asked my mom for a ride to school again she was going to be
pissed. After all, I was a junior in high school. I was supposed to be
mature enough to handle my own problems.
Even if it meant I had to run to the bus stop like a little kid.
I ran down the driveway and out onto the sidewalk, checking my watch.
Please, please, please let this be one of those days where the bus
driver hits every red light, making her at least ten minutes late to my
stop. Or maybe one of the Thompson twins could have the flu again, and
the driver would have to stop to clean up the mess before taking
everyone to school. Anything for me to make it to the bus stop before
the bus left.
I ran to the corner of my block, turning left and praying that I would
make it in time. It was only four or five blocks to my bus stop, but my
lungs were burning after the first block. I could feel the beginnings
of a stitch in my side, and I pressed on it with one hand to try and
alleviate some of the agony. Just another couple of blocks, I chanted,
if you make it to the bus you can worry about it then.
I made it to the end of the block and rounded the last corner. I just
had to make it to the intersection. I dug my heels in a little harder,
trying for one last little burst of speed to get me to the corner. I
was almost there, just a teeny bit further.
Then, disaster struck.
This is good, lots of action. I did notice that there were an AWFUL lot of sentences that started with I. It made me stumble over the words because of repetition a little. But great job with getting us into the story.
ReplyDeleteI laughed! So funny! One thing I noticed, there seemed to be a lot of twists and turns on the four or five blocks to the bus. Also, I think your MC would know EXACTLY how many blocks it was to the bus. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice here, especially the line about having to run to the bus stop like a little kid. Very funny. I also love openings that start with action, and even though this seems to be a fairly typical situation, I am totally on the edge of my seat to see if she makes it.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked!
This is well written and does give us a good sense of the POV character's outlook and voice. And his/her desperation.
ReplyDeleteCouple of important things:
We don't know if this is a boy or a girl, though we can guess his/her age.
I think the real beginning of your story might be at the point where disaster strikes; all the running just delays the story. Or the real beginning might come even later.
Great pace here, and I love the voice. The first paragraph hooked me in right away.
ReplyDeleteYou give us some great details of the bus driver, the other kids, and the sprint to the bus stop in the second paragraph but none of these details really propel my interest in the MC or the story.
It would be great to know the gender of the MC right up front - I assumed it was a boy, maybe something about digging through stinky socks to get dressed in a hurry. Or, for a girl - a quick pass at brushing out the hair. I'm sure you could add a little something to give the reader a clue right away.
I am intrigued by this beginning and I want to know more. Why is this teenager oversleeping? Most important, what is the disaster?
It's hard to say without knowing what follows, but I suspect that catching the bus isn't that important to the overall story. I wonder if this could be shortened and the disaster itself hit sooner.
ReplyDeleteThis gives me no sense of fantasy, or even of the real upcoming conflict of the book. Nor is missing a bus enough of a problem to engage my sympathy for the MC. Not that I'm unsympathetic, but I'm sort of wondering, "Ok, so what?"
I can't even tell if the "disaster" is something I would really care about or just more of the same, i.e. tripping over a shoelace and missing the bus. Where's the real tension in your story? Try to give us a hint sooner.
The first thing I thought was the MC is way older than Jr High. I couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl. Your description of rushing and running was good until digging in heels to run. That usually means to stop. It killed the rhythm. I'd read on a little further to see what the disaster was. But so far, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI loved this and it's one of my favourites so far. I think for Y/A it's perfect. I would definately read the whol book because I love the voice and can relate to the character. It sounds like me when I was sixteen.
ReplyDeleteGood job. I'm hooked.
I like the voice that’s coming through here, and a few different parts made me smile (“maybe one of the Thompson twins could have the flu again”). That said, with the exception of the last line, there’s not much of a “hook” here. There are a lot of stories out there that begin with a kid waking up late and missing her bus, and although this is a fantasy, there is not much to hint at the unusual/unique elements to follow (except, perhaps, for the last line). Now, I’m not the kind of reader who needs murder and mayhem on page one, so I would keep reading . But maybe it’s worth asking yourself if this is where your story really starts.
ReplyDeleteLike the other commentators, I would want to have some story questions raised earlier on the page. But, having said that, I loved the run for the bus. The short sentences quickened the pace. The inner dialogue (reasons the bus could be late - almost wishful thinking) gave me a sense of the character. And for all those things, I love the voice.
ReplyDeleteThat last sentence - yeah, I'd turn the page.
Great writing..
ReplyDeleteGood voice for a MG--the MC's personality really shines through. And it looks like a solid hook, too. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI love the fast pace. I feel tired for him. (Gotta be a guy.) And I'm really disappointed I can't turn the page. Really good job.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's because I'm not a YA reader, but the second 'I ran' pulled me right out of the story and I found myself looking for them.
ReplyDeleteAnd there would need to be more conflict than her missing the bus because the disaster could be anything from her falling into a puddle to being yanked into a passing car filled with trolls.
The voice is there, but it just didn't hook *me*.
Good luck!
I'm hooked. First thing. This sounds like it's urban fantasy. That genre is hot right now (more so than regular fantasy).
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading because I sense something big is going to happen. And I don't mean a missed bus. Though I have a funny feeling I've read this one before...last time perhaps.
One note...the last paragraph had too many sentences beginning with 'I'. I know from experience that it's hard writing in this POV without starting a lot of sentences that way...it's not like you can use the MC's name. Fix that problem and it'll be great.
Love the voice. Good luck!
I agree with the other posters regarding "I." And I also think this does have a nice, energetic voice.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the voice in the first two paragraphs, but after that you lost me. I think you could easily shorten the rest of the 'running' to a couple of sentences and then get to that disaster soon. As it is, it feels a bit repetitive.
ReplyDeleteI like the set-up so far, and your writing is good, but as someone else mentioned, you could shorten it. We don't need to hear about the protag's issues with his/her mom. Just start with the frantic running, and get us into the action sooner. Because now we're left hanging...lol
ReplyDeleteI'm rather ambivalent on this one. On one hand, being late for the bus is a faux confict. It's there to creat urgency when there really isn't any other purpose for it.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, the writing is certainly okay enough for me to read a few more pages to see if the disaster is worth reading about. I'm on notice though.
I liked it, but would like to see the running to catch the bus scene shortened a bit so we could get to the disaster sooner, esp. if the bus part's not that important to the overall story.
ReplyDeleteYeah, the writing and voice are fine, but missing the bus isn't enough conflict to start a book with. Either give us the disaster first or, if the disaster really isn't, put us in the car with her and her mother so we can hear why she's oversleeping and where the conflict is that way. You seem to have a strong voice, so I trust you'll find an equally strong conflict to start with.
ReplyDeleteThe last line hoked me. I would turn the page to find out what the disaster was. Consider a slight rewrite to reduce the numbr of sentences starting with "I". Also change the number of blocks run four OR five - not both. Otherwise - nice start.
ReplyDelete