TITLE: GODDESS UNLEASHED
GENRE: YA URBAN FANTASY
Elara Alexander’s chin quivered, all her insecurities simmering underneath the surface, about to boil over. That last insult, the one about being diseased, had been the tipping point, hitting a little too close to home. The blood drained from her face. A tingling sensation sparked her body. Her legs went weak, the dizziness set in, her breathing rapid. A panic attack.
Her eyes swept the perimeter of the hallway. Empty. She dropped her book bag to the ground, placed her hands on her knees, and leaned against one of the carved wooden lockers, inhaling deeply through her nose, focusing on exhaling very slowly.
Get a grip. Nobody here knows what happened. You can deal. Now, breathe.
Her mouth became dry. An overpowering numbness snaked into both arms, and then Elara’s worst fears came true. She saw things, things that weren’t there, things that couldn’t be possible. It had happened once before over the summer. But not like this.
Across the hall, every time she exhaled, the lockers swelled out, the floral carvings bulging, breathing with her, in and out. She squeezed her eyes shut, but the locker behind her pressed against her back, undulating as she inhaled, caving in when she released her breath, the wood creaking and groaning. Elara slid to the floor, a heaviness infusing her brain, the pain almost electric, pulsing and throbbing as if all her nerves were exposed.
Please, if there’s a higher power out there, please, tell me I’m not going crazy.
Wow. I was hooked from the beginning. I think a lot of teens can relate. I wondered if the panic attack was a bit much though. I can imagine her being upset without the attack. And I guess I expected more in a vision of 'seeing things that weren't there' than lockers swelling. But the hook is great, writing is wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI want to read the rest! post more :)
ReplyDeleteOK, it's a little embarrassing to post this in a public forum, but you should know that I actually pretended I was the goddess for about a month back when I was in
ReplyDelete6th grade. I was obsessed. So it goes without saying that I love the concept and I'd be reading on.
Hooked!
ReplyDeleteWow, this is awesome! I really really wish I could read more....
ReplyDeleteJust a nitpick, but if seeing things is her worst fear, it's well, singular (not fears, like you have).
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I think this story rocks, as you know. :-) This is a much stronger opening than your original. Elara's emotions really come through. Good luck!
I wasn't sure who insulted her and called her diseased. What kind of hallway is it in? For some reason, I had the impression it was in a school hall, and other teens called her names, but I realized I actually didn't know.
ReplyDeleteOf course, it might all be clear in a few more paragraphs, and this was gripping enough that I would definitely read on.
Oh, I re-read it and realize why I thought school -- you mention lockers. Ok. Makes sense now.
It's very gripping, and I feel right drawn right in to Elara's PoV because of your vivid description.
Hooked, yes. Your first sentence really annoyed me, though. Trim some of your "ings". I think if you make simmering into simmered, it works better. That is not the only place your "ings" are out of control, however.
ReplyDeleteI do wonder if you can't use the thought line first as your hook. Then do the rest. It might be a stronger hook for you.
This is right up my alley. Great energy. Great voice. I felt like I was going through it.
ReplyDeleteYay!
ReplyDeleteThis is very gripping and I am hooked.
ReplyDeleteOne thing tho-the insult seems to have triggered the panic attack, but where is the person who insulted her? Her eyes sweep the perimeter of the hallway (why just the perimeter, wouldn't they sweep the whole hallway?) and it's empty. Where did her tormentors go?
I love the story questions you raise though - the "nobody knows what happened" and the fact that she's seeing strange things. I really want to know what happens next. Great job!
Great job. I love the deep POV, I felt her panic, her desperation. I was waiting for what she saw, but you moved to the lockers moving in tandem with her breath (unless that's what she was seeing).
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
I like this, but I was thrown off by wooden lockers and a completely empty school corridor. But it's a very interesting premise and I'd read on a bit further to see what's going to happen.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I think there is something more going on here. It isn't just a panic attack. Is it? I'd read on...but I'm also wondering what's going on.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
I'm hooked. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI read you original opening, so I feel like I'm cheating a bit (cause I kind of know what's going on). But I have to say that this is a much stronger opening than your original. Great hook.
ReplyDeleteI recently had an agent tell me to trust my writing. Not to beat my MC emotions into the readers head. That's exactly how I felt when I read this. You've established nicely her emotions, but don't over do it. Less really is more.
ReplyDeleteOkay, if the lockers were undulating, I certainly wouldn't be sticky around. Maybe I've seen too many horror movies. Nothing good comes from undulating lockers.
I would read more, though. I'm interested to see where it goes and what kind of goddess she is.
Great job!
Found this through your blog :)
ReplyDeleteLove this! Unfortunately, I can relate all too well.
Love it! In my top 5!
ReplyDeleteThe premise is intriguing but the writing needs a lot of tightening up.
ReplyDeleteThe opening paragraph is a panic attack. No need to state so. What happens in a panic attack? Stick to that.
Avoid any telling that her worst fears arec coming true. Just skip down to the scene were the lockers emulate her breathing and you've got something interesting going on.
I do think this would be a hard opening because there is so little context for the reader to go on. I might read another page or so but I'm on notice.
Interesting - I found myself wondering if it's the onset of schizophrenia or something like that. I'd read on. I agree with some others that there are some "telling" lines in it that could be fixed up.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAuthor here.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, a big thanks to Authoress for hosting these contests! Hugs and dark chocolate covered cashews- minus the creepy, little elves!
Second, a big thanks to everybody that commented. It was hard for me not to pop in and respond. I wanted to wait until our secret agent had their say.
And third, I’d like to thank the secret agent. It is a difficult opening to pull off – a point one of my beta readers made as well. And by some of the comments from other readers, the super natural aspects of her "panic attack" are not clear.
Perhaps, I was trying too hard to get that hook. Anyway, I've decided to cut most of the first chapter and hit the ground running.
Thank you! I'm pouring through my MS to find those "telling" sentences. (Hopefully, there aren't many). And I've already reworked the beginning, trimming the fat if you will.
For those of you that are curious, Elara's inner goddess is awakening. Unbeknownst to Elara, her birth mother is Gaia – the Primordial earth goddess. The earth (nature), and things made from it, is beginning to respond to her emotions. (Nope, she's not a schizo!)