TITLE: Lucky's Charm
GENRE: Romantic Suspense
The assassin targeted a window two hundred yards ahead. Looking through the rifle's scope made the man in the crosshairs seem an arm's length away.
Through a gap in the grimy motel curtains, Lucky watched as Conrad Andersen pulled a hooker over his lap and playfully spanked her a**. The middle-aged tramp shook her head, kicked her legs in false protest, shaking the entire bed. She slithered against his portly belly, gave him an exaggerated kiss, and then vanished from the scope.
The john wiped his mouth, traces of the hooker's lipstick smeared across his face. Frowning, he got up moving out of view.
Lucky shifted on the rooftop, using the free time to ease the tension built up after a two-hour stakeout. First, a stretch and twist sideways popped a few vertebrae. Flexing both hands then rotating both ankles brought the circulation back. She wondered if military snipers did similar exercises when they watched a target.
Doubt any of them ever had to endure an Olympic, Viagra-induced, sexcapade.
Lucky eased back into position as Andersen appeared in the scope again. He was dressed in his best Sunday suit, blue pinstriped with a white shirt. A decent looking older man, but knowing what he'd done made him vile enough to eliminate.
The hooker reappeared and kissed him before gathering her belongings off the ratty nightstand. When the lights dimmed, Lucky began taking slow deep breaths to maintain a steady heart rate.
Very well-written...you can practically see into the sniper's mind as she readies her shot. All the characters here are beautifully represented for who they are. And in such a short clip, it is even more difficult to characterize them. Yes, I am hooked. And though it might be cheating (I read the extended clip off of Jenn's site), I say that I would read this book if I got the chance.
ReplyDeleteIt's sort of a strange tone--I immediately thought of 1930's potboiler pulp fiction. The cliches came one after the other. But at the same time the writing is fun and easy to read. I'd keep going but might stop if it's loaded with other cliches.
ReplyDeleteI like the scene, the fact that the assassin was female surprised me, and I would read on.
ReplyDeleteA couple of things had me re-reading passages, though. The scene with the hooker - she's being spanked on his lap, then leaning up to kiss him, that's takes some limberness. I think you need to turn her around, and I didn't get that image from "slithering."
Also, I wondered why the assassin wasn't assassinating. What is she waiting for? It seems like she's gotten a few good sights of him. Finally, "the assassin targeted a window" seems to indicate this is just happening, but then later we learn she's watched their sexcapade.
Took me a second read before I picked up Lucky was a "she". My bad.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking the mark deserved to die because he was clearly the creepy type to be with a hooker. But then, ironically, when Lucky said this herself, knowing what he'd done made him vile enough to eliminate suddenly made me feel the opposite. Sleeping with whores may be vile, but it doesn't deserve a death sentence, and it made me feel she was just trying to justify killing him, especially since she gave no other reasons for her assassination. She specifically isn't working for a legit military, so what's her excuse?
Now, if "what he'd done" is not actually referring to his "Oympic, Viagra-induced sexcapade" (hilarious phrase, btw) but something truly evil, well, then, okay.
See, when I, the reader, first saw him with the hooker, I assumed he also did other, even worse things.
Otherwise, strong writing and good hook. I would read on.
Great tension here! It wasn't until halfway through that Lucky is revealed as a "she" which could work. I felt a little disembodied not knowing whose head I was in though. I guessed from the title that Lucky was female and the protagonist, but I would have liked to get hooked on the character more immediately - especially because a sniper is character with a dark side.
ReplyDeleteI almost thought the start of the fourth paragraph was a stronger opening - less detail about the hooker and the target, more detail about Lucky.
Just a little tightening and more focus on Lucky and I'd be hooked.
I'm hooked enough to keep reading, but the first three paragraphs don't seem necessary. You would have hooked me even faster with just the last four, starting with "Lucky shifted on the rooftop."
ReplyDeleteI have a question: Instead of telling us Lucky's an assassin in the very first sentence, would it work to let us sneak up on that conclusion ourselves? You do a good job of setting the scene without that one word that gave away a little too much right off the bat, IMO.
ReplyDeleteThat Lucky is a she is a nice twist, and I like the toughness going on in her head--though I suspect she's not as tough as she seems on first read. :-)
I found this interesting enough to want to read on, but the scene with the middle-aged hooker could be changed a little. It didn't ring real. It sounded more like a comedy sketch. Ther rest was great though. I would definitely read on to find out why she's going to shoot him, and what he's actually done to deserve it.
ReplyDeleteI would lose the first paragraph totally - your first sentence of the second paragraph is a good hook and gets us immediately into the story and Lucky's POV. Then, as we read, we'll discover that she's a she (loved that, changed the whole tone of the piece for me) and that she's an assassin.
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming that what he's done is more than just his sexcapade - maybe a hint about just how vile he is.
I would turn the page. I like Lucky. Good job.
Sorry, but not hooked. I honestly couldn't identify how many characters you had in this scene as you used several epithets for each of them. Nor was Lucky ever identified by which part he played in this scene.
ReplyDeleteDitto that that first paragraph doesn't add anything but confusion, IMHO.
Not quite hooked yet. I love the tension of the scene, but I think you could do more in terms of drawing a complete picture. Is it day or night? What does the "middle-aged tramp" look like? dyed hair, lots of smeared make-up? Show me more, I don't want to have to work that hard to conjure up my own ideas to fill in the details. I agree with the comment that not telling us the assassin bit, but leading us in to that conclusion would be great.
ReplyDeleteOh, and this line really grabbed me:
"Doubt any of them ever had to endure an Olympic, Viagra-induced, sexcapade."
Fantastic.
I liked this one, and I liked the surprise that Lucky was a woman. The sexcapade thought helped too.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading.
I was little thrown by the first sentence. It took me a bit to figure out the assassin was the MC, Lucky.
ReplyDeleteI would read further.
Good luck!
Dump the first two sentences. I kept waiting for the assassin to show up. I didn't realize it was Lucky until she eased back into position after her stretch.
ReplyDeleteAnd if Conrad Anderson is 'the john', don't call him both, call him one or the other. It sounds contrived, like you don't trust your reader to figure out Anderson is the one the hooker kissed. Same thing with the "he was dressed".
I think I understand that Lucky didn't want witnesses to the kill so waited until he was alone. Was that your intention? If not, she should have killed him the first chance she got.
I too loved the Olympic line, but the rest, perhaps because of the cliched tone, turned me off.
There are a lot of good comments here. One thing I'd add is "best Sunday suit"--does Lucky know it's really his best? It could be his best but there's no way to know for sure.
ReplyDeleteAlso "decent looking" could mean decent physically or decent morally. I'm guessing you mean morally but it isn't how I read it the first time.
Interesting passage, definitely. Great internalization.
Solidly written, but in order to hook me, you need to give me a hint why Lucky doesn't shoot Conrad as soon as she gets him in her sights. Is she not wanting to risk hitting the hooker? Does she not want a witness to the death? Is she waiting for something else to happen?
ReplyDeleteAlso, it was jarring that you refer to Lucky only as the assassin in the first paragraph, and then as Lucky in the second. On first read, I thought you were shifting POV from the assassin to Lucky. Then in paragraph four, you make it clear that Lucky is the sniper. Why make it a secret that the assassin is Lucky in paragraph one if you're going to reveal it a few paragraphs later? Why not just start with Lucky? As soon as we see her peering through the scope, we'll know she's a sniper.
I'd like to say I'm hooked, but there were too many things that brought me out of the story. Call her Lucky to begin with. Otherwise she's referring to herself as "the assassin" and it doesn't work. I did like that she's a she, btw. Please remove "Olympic". Viagra-induced sexcapade is still quite funny and less confusing. Conrad Anderson is either Conrad, or the John. Not both. The sentence where he smears the lipstick needs work. And why hasn't Lucky killed him? Is she getting off on watching her target? If she's sighting through her rifle, she's ready to do him. Otherwise, she'd probably use binoculars. They're easier to explain away, should anyone see her. In his best blue pinstriped Sunday suit, if you must have the entire descriptor. I'd consider trimming it. And I have to say, he hasn't done anything worthy of a death sentence. He's despicable, but not cannon fodder yet.
ReplyDeleteAdd me to those who didn't realise The assassin and Lucky were the same person for a while. In Lucky's pov, she should refer to herself by her name -- she wouldn't think of herself as "the assassin".
ReplyDeleteI was also brought up by the description of the hooker as a "middle-aged tramp". Most prostitutes aren't in the business by choice, but because their circumstances have left them with few other options. That Lucky would call the woman nasty names -- or that the author would -- really soured me on the story. Words have power, as writers well know.
"Decent-looking" should have a hypen.
I'd read on, cautiously.
I agree with losing the 1st graph.
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe even the first 3.
but I do like this, and would continue to read.
This is actually quite nicely done but from a personal perspective, not a story that would entice me to read on.
ReplyDeleteThe trampy hooker, the stereotypical john. Might be a little too generic to really win attention and since the writing is solid, I think you could do better.
Thank you to everyone for your comments. I've made some revisions based on your ideas.
ReplyDeleteThanks!!
I enjoyed the read, but I agree that some of it seems stereotyped. But I loved Lucky as a female and didn't see that coming. With some revision I'd read on.
ReplyDelete