TITLE: BECOMING EMELEE
GENRE: YA FANTASY
"Magic doesn’t exist." Her tongue dragged over the words, while she tried to forget how he’d looked. So blank and empty as he’d climbed up to the loft. Like he'd been enchanted, and not in a good way.
Emelee sighed loudly. “Not quite true, although most magic is impossible, thanks to the Keewas, magic-hoggers that they are.”
Anne turned around, rubbing her forehead in confusion. The Keewas didn't have anything to do with magic; they cursed. And that was a matter of obtaining a drop of blood or a clump of hair, putting it in the pot, and saying the proper nasty words.
“Why?” Anne kept her voice even, despite her inward freaking out. Rogers was an oaf who needed a good thrashing, but this girl had murdered him by magic. Surest sign of somebody turned evil.
Emelee straightened her shoulders and shook her loose dark hair out of her face. Her deep blue eyes were clear and honest. “I think we can help each other out.”
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteReally? How can they help each other out??... very interesting. Still, there seems to be a lot going on in this start to your novel and I feel confused about who the protagonist is and what exactly is happening. Why was the guard climbing to the loft? What loft? Are they in a barn? It is a great start and some tightening up of your intent (what do you really want us readers to know on this first page) would make it even better!
ReplyDeleteThis makes a good start to a story, but could be an even stronger hook if a little confusion gets cleared up.
ReplyDeleteFirst, it's unclear if Anne thinks magic doesn't exist or if she thinks it does exist and it's evil.
Second, there's a problem with tenses beginning after "He's dead." This bit: "...she tried to forget how he looked. His face was so blank and empty as he climbed up to the loft." I took a couple of seconds to figure out this had already happened, but you don't want your reader to be bumped out of the story even by that much. You could make it: "... she tried to forget how he'd looked. His face had been so blank and empty as he climbed up to the loft."
The "I think we can help each other" comment is very intriguing and suggests an interesting story to come.
This has a good conflict to grab the reader, except for one problem. I can't tell who the PoV character is, who is saying what, or who killed the guard with magic.
ReplyDeleteIs it the girl who used magic to kill who doesn't believe in magic and who has "clear and honest" eyes, even though magic usually makes people evil? If so -- cool. I like that set up a lot.
But who says, "I think we can help each other."? The same girl? Does she know she just killed someone? Why aren't the girls talking about the dead guy -- why was he killed and what to do with the body and grieving relatives/vengeful fellow guards -- rather than why magic exists?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI like the evilness you've hinted at. But I, too, think there's too much happening here to make your pupose clear. Perhaps you could leave out the whole paragraph about the Keewas - if their magic, potion, cursing is important then it can be worked in later. The important thing is that Emelee has used magic to kill someone.
ReplyDeleteWould I turn the page - to find out more about the evil Emelee? Oh, yeah.
Your first paragraph is just excellent. I found myself confused through the rest though and had trouble understanding all the magic talk. I'd really like to see more activity in the first page. Seems a bit too introspective - I think you could reveal some of this later.
ReplyDeleteHe he, I just read your synopsis up on CC!!!! :D
ReplyDeleteIt's hard for me to judge, as I've seen some of your previous chapters and I liked the start where Anne arrives at the fort for the first time.
But just judging on this section, I think there are too many world building details (like the magic stuff) thrown together all at once and it gets a bit overwhelming.
It read clear to me. Emelee is the murderer, but why. And what is she up to next. Is it a good versus evil thing? I'm hooked and I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI had to read this twice because I became confused. I think all the magic talk might have the been reason for that. I would read to the end of the chapter to see where it all went.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I had to return to the paragraph where Emelee speaks because I didn't know she was there before, so I thought it was Anne talking. It feels like talking heads for a bit. Since there are no Keewas in the scene, I don't think you need to mention them via Anne. Emelee can and that's enough for now. Also, you have two references to magic turning someone evil within two sequential paragraphs. You can remove one.
ReplyDeleteHmm.
ReplyDeleteRogers is presumably the guard, but it's not clear because we don't know he died by falling. If Anne knows his name, she wouldn't think of him as "The guard" in the opening paragraph, but as "Rogers" or "Rogers, the guard".
Do the Keewas have to be mentioned here? They seem to be gumming things up with their cursing-is-not-magic business. A lot of time is spent talking about how what Emelee did wasn't cursing, instead of describing what it actually was that she did.
Are we on Earth? Is Emelee human?
I'd like to read an edited version of this, I think, but at this stage it left me with more questions than answers.
Cheers.
Okay Meg, with the format fix and the extra line, I'm now good. I was a little confused, but it's clear now.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on!
I'm confused--which means the reader really needs to stop and physically set the scene. Where are they? Whose POV do you want to be in? You start in Emelee's and then switch to Anne.
ReplyDeleteCareful of the telling. Emelee and Anne live in this world. There's no need for them to be saying "magic doesn't exist", or the Keewas are hogging it.
That's just to tell the reader and that's a clumsy use of dialogue.
There seems some interesting things here but with the writing, I wouldn't read on.
Thanks everyone for the feedback<:
ReplyDeleteOk. I can't help but ask here...
I'm a little confused about why people think that the pov is in Emelee's, when the entire thing is coming from Anne's pov.
She's looking at the dead body. She hears Emelee's words, turns around, worries about Emelee's words as well as the sense of the magic, and she freaks out.
No Emelee imput at all.
The only 'Emelee' thing in there is her "sighing", which might signal a switch in pov, and I'm wondering if that's what people saw here.
"sighing" is something you hear other people do, of course. :]
But mainly, I wanted to know exactly where people thought the pov switched, just so I can fix it.
And the 'Magic doesn't exist' comment is somewhat necessary, if only because it shows Anne's first reaction is shock. And she's never seen anything like that.
The type of magic that Emelee uses doesn't exist - or at least it is only the sort of thing stuck in stories.
Emelee's response was necessary, because it shows she has seen a different side of the Keewas and actually the world than Anne has.
Forgot to mention - I do agree with the comments re/location and setting.
ReplyDeleteThey are in a barn at a fort. The guard who was attacking/possibly trying to kill Anne (he had a blade at her neck) stopped when Emelee emerged from the shadows and did her magic heebie jeebie thing that Anne felt. Then he'd suddenly climbed up into the lofts and took a flying leap to his death. All of that information had been chopped out when I decided to cut as close to the point of the story as possible (the two girls meeting, Anne discovering magic and assuming it's all evil).
I really do appreciate everyone offering feedback - and many thanks to Authoress hosting this!!!
I assumed the POV was all from Anne's so I can't help there.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I didn't understand why the guard was dead (whether that was a good thing, bad thing, etc) and it was disorienting. The information you give in your comment above that the guard was trying to kill and/or attack Anne was intriguing and that made me interested. Made me quickly wonder who is Anne (i'd assumed some society/upper class type) and why is the guard trying to kill her.
Is there a way to perhaps start the scene so the reader sees Anne trying to escape from the guard or whatever? It might help ground the reader and would give a chance for a line or phrase about setting (e.g., see him climbing and falling or whatever happens).
Thanks for posting and best of luck!
It's an interesting premise but I was a bit confused. I loved the beginning part but then got a bit lost.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I also thought POV was perfectly clear throughout your opening. There's really nothing in this, as far as I can see, that would make the reader think the POV is Emelee's at any point.
ReplyDelete