Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Logline Critique Round 1 #15

TITLE:  The Spell of the Black Magic Key
GENRE: Upper Middle Grade Fantasy

The Rickety Old Hag has resurrected the wizard’s spell… the Spell of the Black Magic Key. She has the powers now to release the evil ones from below the cold, dark, earth, to wreak havoc on the world. It’s now up to Bartholomew Berman to defend the world against the key’s evil. He has been called upon to answer to his father’s oath. If the powers of the key aren’t stopped, evil shall roam without weary. All that is sacred and kind will find its end.


  1. Luv2eatreadwrite/@jackiewellingtoOctober 1, 2013 at 10:05 AM

    86-words is too long for me. Lets' gather the elements needed.

    Protagonist: {Age} Bartholomew Berman

    Antagonist: Rickety Old Hag (This is cute, it cracks me up, sound like my mother-in-law)

    What is Prot. Goal: To defend the world from a wizard's spell

    What will happen if he fails: Evil will roam the world creating chaos.

    Now Say it:

    Bartholomew Berman must defend the world from a wizard’s spell cast by a Rickety Old hag before she releases evil on the world causing chaos. {23-words}

    DISCLAIMER: I am learning just like you. You do not have to use any of this. This is helping me to practice writing loglines. I hope it is okay. :)

  2. You're using a lot of words to say that Bartholomew has to save the world from an evil witch. What you have here could be trimmed to:

    The Rickety Old Hag is about to release an evil horde on the world and [ ]-year-old Bartholomew Berman is the only one who can stop her.

    Now give us some idea of why Bartholomew is the only one who can stop the witch, and how he intends to do it.

  3. This is a little bit long for a logline and you could probably tighten it a bit. Otherwise, the last two lines don't tell us anything. Why does BB HAVE to stop the powers of the key? What does HE have to lose? Finally, how is he going to do this? We don't need exact details but we do need to know something about how he will defeat this hag. Does he have powers of his own?

    Good luck!

  4. Yes, definitely too long. I liked the first commenter's rewrite and Holly's suggestions. My other concern was that you're using language that crosses from vivid into purple. It's very florid and melodramatic, and that's the source of a lot of the length. Simplifying the language will help to trim it to a manageable logline length.

  5. Way to wordy. Why does Bart care about the spell? Who will it hurt? What does Bart have at stake? "roam without weary" is at least awkward if not incorrect English.

  6. Who are the evil ones? What havoc do they wreak? What are the powers of the key? What must BB do to stop the evil? Why must he do it, as opposed to someone else? What will happen if he doesn't succeed?