Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Logline Critique Round 1 #16

GENRE: MG Contemporary Humor

Thirteen-year old Deech Rosselli and his family are placed into Witness Protection, seven hundred and thirty two miles away from home. He’s got a new name, new friends, and a whole new set of problems as the middle school is filled with mini mobsters.

When the disenchanted principal snitches on the Rosselli's whereabouts and all the wrong people come looking for them, Deech and his new friends booby trap the town and send them running.

A combination of the Sopranos meets Home Alone, MIDDLE SCHOOL MAFIA is a family comedy where the term family has a whole new meaning.


  1. Luv2eatreadwrite/@jackiewellingtoOctober 1, 2013 at 9:49 AM

    I think this is too long. You have 99 words. What if you say (Strictly, off the cuff:

    {After his family is placed in Witness Protection and a disenchanted principal exposed their whereabouts, 13-yr-old Deech Rosselli must band with his new friends to protect the town from unwelcomed guest or risk exposure and/or death.} [Only 36-words]
    This still needs work but you get the drift.

  2. Yeah i agree. This is too long. It reads more like a query, instead of a logline, which should only be a few sentences (one to two is best)

  3. I think this is a fellow Coloradoan? :-) I agree that this needs to be condensed. I love the concept though!

  4. This is a good query. Its just not a log line. I'd totally read it though :)

  5. This is too long, but I think you can shorten it by getting rid of the last line (which doesn't belong in a logline) and by combining the first two sentences into one. Finally, I think you've gotten too specific in mentioning the booby trap (unless your entire story leads up to one booby trap and the wrong people give up and go home?) Give us a more general idea of what they need to do to beat the wrong people for good.

    Good luck!

  6. This sounds like a really fun story, but the logline is twice as long as it should be. Everything you need is already here; you just have to focus on the most important elements.

    My other concern is that by saying "his new friends booby trap the town and send [the bad guys] running," you're giving away the ending. Do they run away from the booby trap? Or is this what the friends plan to do? I wasn't clear on that.

  7. I love this. This is an epic win in my book. Just enough voice infused within the lines, too.

  8. I like your film analogies, although I don't think it belongs in a pitch. I suggest you avoid giving away the store by telling us how Deech routes his enemies. I'd like to know more about the setup and what Deech has at stake in this new town. Give us some teasers that hint at the threat and what Deech could possibly do about it without telling us what he does.

  9. I think this sounds like a great story, but it's not a log line. I agree about losing the last parg and not giving away the ending. Maybe after the wrong people come looking, Deech and his friends must send them packing or (whatever will happen if they don't.)