Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Logline Critique Round 1 #20

TITLE: Redwing
GENRE: Fantasy

Hangar deck crewwoman, Claire is determined to become Avalice's first woman fighter pilot, but when Michel, ace pilot and the Admiral's errant bastard son, grants her wish, she knows he'll exact payment from her one day.


  1. MC=Claire
    II=Wish Granted
    Goal=First woman fighter pilot

    You need to be more specific on conflict and consequences. I think the conflict is living in an all male environment where she clearly isn't wanted. I can't even guess about the consequences are for her.

  2. I think you could cut "Hangar deck crew woman" and just start with "Claire is determined..." Also, you might try rewording so you're not using "pilot" twice in the same sentence. I agree that you'll need to add consequences that are a little stronger and more specific than him exacting payment.

  3. I'm not sure this is clear. Her goal is to be a fighter pilot so POOF, Michel makes her one? Then what? She spends the rest of her life expecting him to exact payment? Does he do so or does this story go on forever? You need to give us a tangible timeframe and the goal should be the thing she achieves in the end, not the beginning (and she must get it herself!)

    Good luck!

  4. The commas kind of threw me--it's not needed after crewwoman; the rest are fine but the cadence reads a bit clumsy. I agree that the "grants her wish" line is a little confusing, it almost makes it seem like she didn't deserve the position but this dude made it happen, which, assuming you have a feminist angle here, is probably not what you want anyone thinking! I think simply saying "hires her" does the job without additional loaded implications. The last line is a bit vague. Maybe say she is worried that he will [x = what threat he poses] unless she does [y = whatever she needs to do to stop him].

    That might not totally work based on the plot, but I do think that stating what Michel's threat is--given it's a fantasy we don't know how the culture operates and what's at stake for a female pilot in this environment. But I'm with you on the general premise which sounds cool!

  5. I have to say, this reminds me of a Battlestar Galactica episode. Is that what you want? What sets it apart from the episode where the hangar crew woman becomes a pilot under the admiral's son's watch? Perhaps something in the consequences she might face? Also, since this is fantasy did he literally grant her wish? If not, I'd use other wording.

  6. I see that your MC has a clear goal, but I'm not sure what the stakes are. Or rather, the stakes seem to be something that will happen after she reaches her goal instead of if she doesn't reach her goal. If you can clear that up a bit, your logline will be much stronger.

    Keep at it. Good luck!

  7. The character descriptives could be less. "hangar deck crew woman" doesn't really tell me anything about Claire. You could just start with "Claire is determined..."
    Why does she "know" he'll exact payment? How long will she have to wait for this thing to happen? Can she do anything to stop it or does she just wait and wait?

    Answer some of these and I think you'll have a tight log line. Good luck!

  8. I agree that you could drop the first three words.

    You use the word "goal" to describe her desire to be a pilot, but for the purposes of the story, her becoming a pilot sounds more like the inciting incident. What is she trying to accomplish after that?

    You have room for at least one more sentence to fill in this information.

  9. What you've given us is a woman who has become a pilot thanks to a man and is now waiting to be asked to repay the favor.

    Did Clare work and train for this position? Did she earn it? Is it given to her reluctantly? And now that she has the position, what's the plot? That's what needs to go in the log line. What does she want, why can't she have it, what stands in her way, how does she try to overcome that, and what will happen if she fails?