Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Logline Critique Round 1 #6

TITLE: The Drumming Song
GENRE: YA Magical Realism

When 17-year-old Drea Rune becomes addicted toan intoxicating drumbeat only four other teenagers can hear, she finds herself initiated intotheir clandestine, nightly drumming circle. But the inexplicable high isn’t without a price: unless she can unravel the bloody myth surrounding the drum’s origins, she’ll succumb to the musical addiction taking over her mind.


  1. Oooo, I really like this! There seem to be some formatting issues with some words running together, but I can see past that to an awesome concept, and clearly outlined stakes. Beautifully done! I would read this story in a heartbeat.

  2. I don't understand the consequences. Succumb to musical addition? Does this mean she'll end up in an insane asylum, or walk around with earbuds plugged in her ears forever?

    I'm also having a problem with her goal. Is it merely to unravel the myth or is it to stop the drumming?

  3. Needed a proofread for the run- together words. Probably bad enough to get an auto reject.

    "Succumb" isn't a formidable consequence of not solving the bloody myth. People succumb to things like sleep, someone's charm, the temptation to eat ice cream, etc.

    Otherwise, good form, just needs intensifying.

  4. This is quite good, but I agree that the goal is a little unclear. Does she understand that she's addicted in a way that is distanced enough to know that she needs to stop the addiction? Also, I agree that "taking over her mind" needs to be a bit more clear. Will she go crazy? Die?

    Good luck!

  5. The first sentence is great, but I had some of the same concerns the others mentioned with the second sentence. What does it mean to unravel the bloody myth surrounding the drum’s origins? Do you mean find out the truth about it? If so, is that really all she has to do or does she need to act on the information she finds? Also, I don’t get the consequences. She’ll succumb to the addiction, but she’s already addicted, so what’s going to change? Does the addiction do something to her besides make her crave the drumbeat?

    I like the premise. It reminds me of The Replacement by Brenna Yovanoff, which is not a bad thing.

  6. I think it's just the last sentence that could be more specific, to clarify what she is going to unravel and what the stakes are if she does not. We should know why it's a problem if the addiction takes over her mind, will it destroy her?

    Interesting premise, different than what else I see in YA so nice job with something unique.

  7. Very interesting and original premise! I think the logline is pretty effective. It's almost perfect if you ask me. If you had the room for it, I might like a tiny bit of description in the longer query as to what it sounds like or how it first manifests itself, but I still think what you have here works.

  8. I agree with most commentors. Also it seems like you were just adding in the info about the bloody myth. It doesn't seem to flow to me. I think that is the issue with most of it. You give great info but if you re-word and move things around a little it might be stronger. Best of luck to you!

  9. Yes, I recognize this one and really like it. I think this is clear and well written but I do agree that the stakes need to be a bit more defined. Also I keep wondering how she is connected to the bloody myth--will being involved with the music change her somehow? Does it serve any purpose? Maybe try to add a bit more.