Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Logline Critique Round 1 #7

GENRE: Middle Grade - Magical Realism

It is the first day of summer. And the last day eleven-year-old Bobbie and Charlie Hart’s lives won't be sticky with frosting, stinky with the smell of pickles, and enchanted by the magical world of fairies.


  1. While cute, I'm afraid this doesn't work for me. I don't know what frosting, pickles, and fairies have to do with each other. More importantly, you've given us the protagonists but not their goal or obstacles. What actually happens in the book?

  2. You've got some great phrases here that evoke smell and touch, but I agree that they don't tell us enough about the story. Keep at it--You might try slightly condensing by combing the first two sentences...

  3. Sorry, I don't see a goal, an obstacle to overcome, or consequences of not overcoming the obstacle.

    Characters and setting might be interesting, but only if there is a good story to tell. You haven't shown me that there's a good story to be read.

  4. This reads like a setup but is missing all the story. Do these boys have a mission? Will someone be trying to stop this mission?

    Good luck!

  5. I loved it for the feelings it evoked, but there's just a bit missing to state their goals besides it being their last summer. Why is it their last summer?

  6. This is super fun and got my attention, but it is missing the story.
    MC's- Bobbie and Charlie
    Protag- ?
    Goal- ?

    You're missing some big elements to draw us in.

  7. This feels like the first half of the logline. As others have said, it's missing the conflict and stakes. It's only 36 words long, so you have room to add those missing elements.

    To free up even more space, you could tighten the writing. Maybe something like this:

    For eleven-year-old Bobbie and Charlie, the first day of summer is the last day life won't be frosting-sticky, pickle-scented, and fairy-infested.

    (I hate it when anybody tries to re-write for me. It makes me want to say, "Get away from that. I can take care of it." But I hope this helps anyway!)

  8. I think it should be eleven-year-olds plural since we have two characters, right? I keep going back to that though no one else mentioned.

    I agree to condense what's here into one concise line, then add in their goals, motivation, conflict. What they want, why they want it, and what they are up against. In one sentence. Haha, isn't this easy?!

    The other thing I wanted to note is that the genre is magical realism but fairies are mentioned, which seems more straight fantasy to me. Magical Realism is a tricky thing; if you are confident it is the right genre, go for it, I don't know the details of your story. But I see comments from agents frequently that they get submissions labeled magical realism that are actually fantasy. Fantasy elements may not necessarily equate to magical realism.

  9. This sounds very cute but...

    What is the conflict in the story? What is at stake if the characters don't get what they want? I like that the main characters' lives are about to change. More details would help me want to read about it. If you can pin this down, it will be great!

    Good luck!

  10. A succinct and interesting logline. I suggest it would have more impact if it were structured positively rather than negative in its messages. There is also nothing of magical realism to tickle our interest.