Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Logline Critique Round 1 #8

TITLE: If I Promise You the Sun
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi Romance

Mana Aquino is a slave-laborer-with-an-attitude desperate to avenge his sister’s murder at the hands of the government. Eve Thomas is a citizen haunted by her own nervous tics and determined to get banned medicine to her dying brother. Their last-ditch agreement to help one another could mean the start of love and the end of New Eden.


  1. The main question I'm left with is what is New Eden?

    Otherwise it looks like a solid start.

  2. Who is the main character? Mana or Eve? Also, is there one word you could use instead of the with-an-attitude?

  3. Are you trying to say that the government murdered his sister or that he is at the hands of the government? Why do these two people need each other to succeed and why is that a problem (you need to explain "end of New Eden" and tell us why they would care if this happened).

    Good Luck!

  4. Yeah the one question I had is what is the end of New Eden, what does it mean. But I still loved it in the end. I just assumed end of New Eden as the end of something good.

  5. As for who is the MC, I assume this is dual POV with both characters (seen a lot in traditional romance). It works for me. I did get a little tripped up in the slave laborer description, maybe just taking the dashes out will help, or nix the phrase altogether since we can infer he has attitude if the government killed his sister. Maybe the word "driven" could replace "desperate" and that shows his initiative (and possibly implied attitude) rather than desperate which can seem like grasping at anything vs. having a plan. just saying maybe a different verb choice will tighten this up. It might also clarify to say "by" the hands of the government.

    As for New Eden, I just assumed this was where they lived, but if it's confusing to people, maybe you could say "their utopian society" or whatever New Eden is, and since we're tweaking it, maybe say how their working together will affect their world. Reshaping that last part will help make this one work well. Good job!

  6. I didn't have any trouble with the stakes -- they seem to be going up against an oppressive and very powerful government, so that's automatically dangerous.

    I was taken out a little by the idea that Eve was "haunted by her own nervous tics." I don't know what that means. Does she have OCD? Is this something she has to overcome to accomplish her goal? There isn't space to explain, so maybe you'd be better off leaving it out.

    A little note: I assume the combination of Eve and Eden is deliberate. If not, maybe reconsider. If it is, I'm nervous. It might be a little too on-the-nose.

  7. I also wondered what New Eden is.

    I'm not clear about what brings the characters together--how exactly do they think they might help one another (or as Holly said, why do they need each other)?

    Like Stephsco, I didn't have an issue with who the MC is, as romance is often divided pretty evenly between the romantic leads.

    Some intriguing aspects here; they just need a bit more to bring them together. Good luck!

  8. This is pretty good. The only thing I'd work on is the last sentence. We can assume a male and female protagonist will feel chemistry and sparks. I'm more interested in reading how or why they feel they can help each other in the first place and perhaps what the stakes are or who stands in the way of achieving their goals. No love story ever goes off without a hitch. Is is a dream working together or do they butt heads at first?

  9. PS: It was pretty obvious to me that New Eden is where they live, a government that enforces slave labor and bans medicine. Maybe I'm just a dystopia head...

  10. Thanks everyone for the comments--very helpful! New Eden is the society they live in. It is completely solar-powered. Only they can help each other attain their dangerous goals. Mana has access to a network of rebels and criminals who can get the medicine Eve's brother needs. Eve has a photographic memory that can help Mana gather the information he needs to destroy the leader who killed his sister. The hard part is figuring out how to relate the critical elements in a logline--enough to intrigue but not confuse!! I'm off to critique some others. Thanks!!