Wednesday, October 9, 2013

October Secret Agent #21


The weirdest day of my existence started with a kiss. A kiss that should have never happened.

But, honestly, I could have cared less who my supposed-to-be boyfriend kissed. Our relationship was built around a lie. The lie: my mother loved me. She didn’t. She only wanted what was best for her. And what was best for her was people believing I dated Zack. Family dynamics of the rich was confusing, but one thing was clear, the rich dated the rich. Period.

Zack must have started believing the hype. Apparently from his bulging eyes, and clenched jaw, he expected me to care about his not-so-friendly smooch with Casey a minute ago.

But I didn’t want to pretend anymore. My life was one big game of charades and everyone always knew what I was doing. But I rarely had a clue. And I was sick of it.

He launched himself forward, snatched me by the waist, and narrowed his eyes. His jaw clenched tighter and he lowered his head to meet my glare. “Chloe, you will listen to me.” He stood taller and straightened his broad shoulders, attempting to assert himself over me.

I didn’t have to listen to him. What the hell’s his problem? Why was he still pretending?

I was torn between wanting to laugh hysterically and wanting to slap him. Instead, a third emotion surfaced.


I tried to suppress the anger, to push it back. But it was palpable and fueled by his. My heart beat loud in my ears.


  1. I think this is a nice start, but I'm confused. She indicates it's the worst day of her life began with a kiss, but later indicates she doesn't really care if he kissed someone else. This diffuses the tension for me you're aiming for in the first sentence.

    Also, I think there's too much internal dialogue giving us backstory, which makes it harder to get into the story.

    Best of luck with it!

  2. Ok.

    I know that this (the kiss) is something that has already happened, but the use of past tense really brings the story down. I think you need to bring it back into present tense, which will give it a fresher more immediate feel.

    But I understand the world you are setting up - the shallow life of the rich, her wanting to break free of it. I would be interested to see what happens next!

    Good luck!

  3. I like the voice, but I did find the extract a little confusing. Could you start with the moment Chloe stumbles across Zack kissing Casey? That way you could integrate some of the exposition contained in the first few paragraphs with action. Also, without knowing what's gone before, it's hard for me to understand why Zack is the one who's angry when he's the one who's just been caught cheating. Has Chloe just told him she doesn't care who he kisses and their relationship is over? Is he simply frustrated by her lack of reaction? Or what?

    I think this could be a really engaging setup, but I'm just not sure it starts in the right place.

  4. I like the first line, but I also agree with the above comments.

    Just wanted to add that it should be *couldn't* have cared less, not could have cared less.

    Best of luck!

  5. The weirdest day of her life started with a kiss - but you haven't shown us anything weird. ANd if she didn't care he kissed someone else, why is she angry?

    And if you're going to tell us about that day, why not just start the story there instead of telling us about it as back story? As is, nothing has happened.

    Perhaps consider showing the kissing scene in real time?

  6. Opening with a kiss that should have never happened is interesting. It would be nice to see this kiss happen or hear why/how it was so horrible. Chloe seems like she has a lot going on in her life, which teens can relate to, so seeing what she thinks will make them connect even more. Chloe seems like a great character that has a strong voice and opinion, which is nice to see. We’d also like to know what they are fighting about.

  7. I admit I almost didn't read this entry since it's not my prefered genre but skimming the first line caught me and I'm glad I read it. Strong voice. I will say that the opening doesn't convey the genre but it's tough to do in first 250 words. I liked it and would keep reading. Good luck.