Wednesday, October 9, 2013

October Secret Agent #29

GENRE: YA Paranormal

Across the aisle, my nanny aka Hawk Eyes sits. She has one eye on me and one on her book, Visiting Love Ones from the Other Side. How she can do this eye trick is beyond me. She’s probably part reptile. The cover has puffy white clouds and turquoise blue sky. Her belief that we return to Earth after we die is even more annoying. But I don’t have time for this. I have more important things to take care of.

The jet engines hum, creating a steady rhythm. Usually it’s relaxing, but instead, I grip the armrest of my supple leather seat as I re-read the last text I got from my brother, Tyler.

I’m fine.

The next text was from my friend, Gabi. Her information was worse.

Tyler was arrested with Roman Franks. Drugs.

This burns my inner core till it feels like I may turn into a volcano. Nothing like ending a pleasant shopping trip to Milan to deal with this. Why did Tyler get involved with him? I know Roman all too well and my brother doesn’t fit the scene.

Tyler is the only person I trust. He’s not only my twin, but is smart and the “good one.” He helps out at charities and gets straight A’s. Not to mention helping me every time I screw up. It’s not that I do it on purpose, I like my life. Tyler thinks I can do better.


  1. It is interesting that the character who feels the most developed in this 250 word segment is the nanny. She doesn't even say anything, but I have a sense of her personality because of what she is reading--which, isn't the most obvious choice, so, well done. :)

    I would suggest working in similar details for the brother and the narrator to help develop them. As it stands, I am not sure where she is (on a plane?), how old she is (twin brother involved with drugs, but requiring a nanny?)... I know it is hard to work it all in the first 250 words, but I think you can at least clarify certain details and hint of further development to come.

    Good luck!

  2. I liked this! I liked the opening paragraph about the nanny and the eyes. And there was a nice sense of conflict as your MC looked at the texts on her phone.

    My only critique is that there was a lot of telling about her brother in the last paragraph-- I'm wondering if you could find another way to work some of that in. But overall I enjoyed this. I'd keep reading for sure!

  3. I agree with Stephanie. Also, this is a nitpick but "inner core" is a bit redundant.

  4. Same here, I loved the description about the nanny. Though after that you begin throwing this information on us, and it almost feels like it's done in a hurry. I'm confused how we're hearing the jet engines, and the nanny is keeping a watch on her, how is the jet engine exactly, and if she's trying to escape why isn't the nanny doing anything. Still love the descriptions and conflict.

  5. We like the line about her nanny being “hawk eyes”—we’ve all felt like that at one time with a parent or a babysitter! We like that the conflict and stakes are already high, with her brother getting arrested for drugs, but not telling the truth about it. Since they’re twins, it makes it even more powerful since they obviously have a bond, whether they want it or not. But how old is the character? And why does she have a nanny and her brother doesn't?

  6. I liked this. It starts immediately with a bit of mystery (why does this girl need a nanny?) and the book the nanny is reading looks like a hint as to the nature of the paranormal you'll be dealing with. Then we get the twin brother who may be involved with drugs and a not too nice person. There's lots to wonder about and look forward to.

    Parg 1 - more annoying than what?

    Parg 4 - The next text IS from . . .

    Parg 6 - This burns my inner core - it's one of those cliché phrases that doesn't really say anything.

    You could cut the last parg because it's explaining to the reader. Continue with the story and get that in later through dialogue or internal thoughts.

    I'd read more.