Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Logline Critique Round 1 #12

TITLE: Through a Glass Darkly
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy

To save her mom, and the boy she hates to admit she might love, an aspiring teen pianist must break out of a high security psych ward and battle the deranged hospital administrator from another world who wants to extract—with a syringe, if necessary—the secret of mirror-walking from her.


  1. The piece that is missing in this one is the consequences. To save her mom and boy love from what?

  2. Gah, you are so right. I'm nowhere near specific enough, are I? This also appears to be one long run-on sentence. Note to self: Do not enter writing contests from a hospital bed while drugged up on pain-killers (it's been a rough week). I'm actually going to see if I can pull my entry and give one of the alternates a go. This one isn't ready for the critique stage. :)

  3. Well, if it helps, I think you have too much information, and not enough specifics. For example, the piano part could go.

    Otherwise, it sounds like a fantastic story!

    Get well soon!

  4. I suspect it's OK to rework these as we go and people can continue to comment with suggestions for further improvement. At least I hope so! I also hope you get well soon!

  5. This is a good summary of the goal and obstacles. It would be stronger if you added a bit more detail. For example, why is she in this hospital and how is escaping going to save her mom and this boy? And how does this all connect to mirror-walking?

    Good luck!

  6. I like this one quite a bit. I stumbled a little over "the boy she hates to admit she might love" just because it's a long phrase in a long sentence. But even so, I'd be interested in reading this story.

  7. Thanks for all the brilliant insights! I'm playing around with a different version now based on the great feedback here.

    "To save her mom from the inter-dimensional creatures which are slowly consuming her, an aspiring teen pianist must make sense of Grandpa's cryptic clues, and break out of a high security psych ward using magic and music. All while trying not to fall for a guy from the wrong side of the dimensional gap."

  8. I like your revision and the music now makes sense. My only problem is the stakes:

    What happens if she doesn't break out? She stays in the psych ward? I know this is likely bad, but ?
    I'm not sure why falling for the guy is so bad, unless he's going back through the gap and she can't go, or ?
    Are the above connected to the creatures that are slowly consuming her?

    I think if you tighten this up, it will def. result in requests. Best of luck with it!

  9. This really sounds scary! Would like a bit more about mirror-walking but it is intriguing as is!