Who is the main character? What is the inciting incident? Conflict=Control of the child? Goal=learning what the key is? What is the consequences if the MC succeeds/fails?
This needs more detail. Why are they in conflict with each other? Why do they both need this key (and be specific if it isn't actually a key)? What happens if they don't get it?
One other thought: this doesn't really read like a romance. We don't see any indication that they are going to be the hero/heroine. We have to assume that from the fact that you labeled it a romance. Does that make sense?
But you have a lot of room to play here, and I think this is a very intriguing start.
I got used to twitter-length pitches when I was pitching, so this read tight and concise to me. Though if you are not as limited by the length, I agree some added detail will show more of the story. Maybe one more line about the consequences or stakes. Since you can clearly write a concise pitch, this is just a matter of showing a little more detail. Nice work!
You have some great characters here but I need a few more specifics. Tangle is vague. What is at stake if they don't solve the crime? Being haunted is not enough.
Impressed by the concise delivery. I wonder if providing just a little detail about the "old crime" would liven this up a bit? I do agree that overall, this is a bit vague as is.
This is much too vague.
ReplyDeleteWho is the main character?
What is the inciting incident?
Conflict=Control of the child?
Goal=learning what the key is?
What is the consequences if the MC succeeds/fails?
I also wondered who the child was...
ReplyDeleteDoesn't feel like enough information. "Tangle" is too vague. Main thing is what's the goal, obstacle, and consequences of failure.
ReplyDeleteThis needs more detail. Why are they in conflict with each other? Why do they both need this key (and be specific if it isn't actually a key)? What happens if they don't get it?
ReplyDeleteagree with all above, but the characterization is great.
ReplyDeleteOne other thought: this doesn't really read like a romance. We don't see any indication that they are going to be the hero/heroine. We have to assume that from the fact that you labeled it a romance. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteBut you have a lot of room to play here, and I think this is a very intriguing start.
A good start but I need more on the child - and what happens if they fail?
ReplyDeleteI got used to twitter-length pitches when I was pitching, so this read tight and concise to me. Though if you are not as limited by the length, I agree some added detail will show more of the story. Maybe one more line about the consequences or stakes. Since you can clearly write a concise pitch, this is just a matter of showing a little more detail. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteIt's true that this seems to be lacking detail to make the conflict more real and compelling. But it's quite short, so you have room to flesh it out.
ReplyDeleteYou have some great characters here but I need a few more specifics. Tangle is vague. What is at stake if they don't solve the crime? Being haunted is not enough.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a good story. Good luck!
Impressed by the concise delivery. I wonder if providing just a little detail about the "old crime" would liven this up a bit? I do agree that overall, this is a bit vague as is.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds great to me!
ReplyDelete