TITLE: THE GERM FACTORY
GENRE: YA SF
After fifteen-year old Saskia unwittingly tells the powerful Odathot Inc. about her uncle’s research on thought-chemicals, he disappears. But when she infiltrates the company in search of him, she uncovers a mass operation using his research to steal people’s ideas for the company’s next inventions. She is prepared to stop Odathot by destroying everything: the inventions, the stolen thoughts, and her uncle’s research. Even if it means leaving the victims permanently damaged. Until Saskia discovers her uncle is one of the victims.
Interesting premise, but at 86 words, this is too long. I'd probably leave out the detail about Saskia leaking her uncle's research and start with him being kidnapped. The rest of it could be condensed.
ReplyDeleteI agree that this is too long, and to start with her trying to find him. You might consider condensing/reworking the last few sentences to start with something like, "When Saskia discovers her uncle is one of the victims, she must..."
ReplyDeleteLike Rebecca said, this is long, and can certainly be shortened.
ReplyDeleteMy concern is how this reads.
Somehow reading she's willing to pretty much mind wipe "the victims" until she realizes her uncle will be wiped as well, doesn't build sympathy for the MC.
This sounds like a really interesting premise! Agree with the others that it's too long for a log line, although it might work well for a query. What if you started with the second sentence and add needed character details . . . When 15-old-Saskia infiltrates the powerful Odathot Inc. company to find her missing uncle, etc.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback!
ReplyDeleteI had a nagging feeling my first attempt was too verbose.
Here is a trimmed version:
Fifteen-year old Saskia infiltrates a powerful company in search of her missing uncle. Inside, she uncovers a mass operation to use his research on thought-chemicals to steal people's ideas for the company’s next inventions. But when she discovers her uncle is one of the victims, she must choose between stopping the company and saving his life.
It's not clear to me why she is prepared to damage these victims. Is the uncle in danger? You say he disappears but you don't actually tell us they have him and are going to kill him. Either way, this needs to be strong enough for us to believe she considers it important enough to hurt others, however you must do so in a way that doesn't make use dislike her. Finally, the last sentence is confusing. How is her uncle a victim of himself? Do you mean that he used his research on himself or that the company did?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Sunny: I think your trimmed version is much better.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing in this version you could tweak is the second sentence. It implies they're stealing people's ideas, which is bad, I assume, but I don't see true stakes here. Does stealing their ideas harm the person? Then it makes sense she'd worry about her uncle being the next victim.
I love the premise! But I don't see the stakes...how is her uncle's life in danger? And how does destroying the company hurt him?
ReplyDeleteThe revised version is a big improvement. I'd like to know a little more about why she has to choose between stopping the bad guys and saving her uncle. That detail could add a little oomph to the end.
ReplyDeleteI thought the second version works well, except for that last line - when she finds out he's a victim.
ReplyDeleteThe victims, as explained here, are just people who have had their ideas stolen, much like if someone were to steal the idea for his story. If it's more than that, make that evident. It's clear they're having their minds probed, but does that probing have any after effects? Does something happen to them after they're ideas are stolen, and has that something happened to her uncle? And what will happen to her if she is caught trying to rescue him?
Very much appreciate the insight.
ReplyDeleteHere's a third iteration that hopefully frames the stakes:
Fifteen-year old Saskia infiltrates a powerful company in search of her missing uncle. Inside, she finds a mass operation using his research to extract from people’s thoughts ideas for the company’s next inventions—a process that damages the victims’ minds. When she discovers her uncle is one of the victims, she must choose between stopping the company by destroying the research or cooperating for a chance to save him.