TITLE: Fattie Mattie and the Comeback Kid
GENRE: Contemporary Romance
Facing bankruptcy, Mattie Ross, a plump jilted journalist, still smarting from being stood up at the altar, lands a high profile assignment, but must put her chubby self in the hands of the one person she blames for being stranded at the altar, a former hometown hero turned fitness coach wannabe, to succeed.
This is a little bit convoluted.
ReplyDeleteCan I suggest something like,
Journalist Mattie Ross is facing bankruptcy and is still smarting from being stood up at the altar when she lands a high profile assignment which will mean putting herself in the hands of the person she blames for being stranded at the altar, a former hometown hero turned fitness coach wannabe if she wants to succeed.
If the fitness coach is actually the one who stranded her at the altar, I'd say that, too. As it reads, I am wondering why she blames him if he isn't her ex.
I agree with the Shannon. I'm not sure if the coach is the one who jilted her, or caused the event.
ReplyDeleteMaybe if you split up this single sentence into 2-3, you could give it a little more clarity.
Otherwise, the story sounds like a fun read!
That's one long sentence and you've packed a ton of information into it. It will read a lot smoother if you break it up.
ReplyDelete"Plump jilted journalist" is an awkward characterization. You say in the next phrase that Mattie was left at the altar, so you could leave "jilted" out. Describing someone by their size comes across as slightly insulting to me. If her weight is important to the story (as the title suggests), you need to show why.
I'm all for diversity in fiction--my heroines don't need to be Sweet Valley High perfect size sixes, but I agree with Rebecca that the characterizations sound more offensive here. I'm not sure it's even worth mentioning the plump and chubby stuff. This could be shown in other ways, like why she blames the fitness coach wannabe--if he forced her to try some wacko diet or whatever.
ReplyDeleteHere's my suggestion if you want to keep it one line:
Jilted-at-the-alter journalist Mattie Ross takes on a high profile assignment to evade bankruptcy, even if the assignment means working with the former hometown hero-turned fitness coach wannabe, the man responsible for her ruined wedding.
You could expand on it with more detail if you wanted to show why is is facing bankruptcy or more detail on how fitness wannabe ruined her life.
I'm not sure you need the name, either--the descriptors would suffice, and cut some of the complexity of the sentence. Presumably she has to slim down to do this assignment, but we're taking that on faith because you didn't really say so.
ReplyDeleteYou packed a lot into this--if you can make it read more smoothly I think it'll be very catchy.
The structure of this is awkward and redundant.
ReplyDeleteMC=Mattie
II=Land assignment
Conflict=?
Goal=?
Consequences=?
I think the conflict is putting herself in the hands of the guilty fitness coach. But I'm not sure, since I don't understand why she did this.
I don't know what the goal is. To get fit?
If she doesn't achieve her goal, what happens? She loses the plum assignment?
I think you are concentrating too much on describing her physical appearance and her jilted circumstances.
o Plump+chubby
o Jilted+being stood up at the altar+stranded at the altar.
Say things only once, in the shortest way possible to get your point across.
Get the basics into one statement and then add a few interesting embellishments.
I'm afraid I have to agree that this is very awkward. You have too many modifying clauses squeezed together and, as others have said, some of them are redundant as well. It really sounds like you're trying to self-consciously cram as much information as you can into one sentence.
ReplyDeleteI think Stephsco's revision is right on track, although 'former hometown hero-turned fitness coach wannabe' still sounds a bit clunky; you may want to choose which of these attributes is most important about this character and leave the rest out.
I've read through some of the other comments and don't have a lot to add. Just wanted to agree that:
ReplyDelete1.) This sounds like a really fun story!
2.) Awkward phrasing made this very hard to read.
I'd like you to spend less time trying to descrite the MC and her circumstances and more time on the conflict. The phrase "put herself in the hands of" is very vague and for a romance can be taken quite literally (he, he). What must she actually do. What are the consequences of not doing it or doing it?
Unless her being plump and chubby is relevant to the plot, you don't need to say this. Even if you do, you only need to say it once. Also, you don't need to tell us she is jilted and was stood up at the altar and was stranded at the altar. Find a way to say this once.
ReplyDeleteFinally, what are the consequences if she fails? I'm assuming bankruptcy, but is there an inner stake? Does she need to succeed to prove herself to her ex (I'm assuming he's her ex-fiance...you don't actually say)?
Good luck!
Holly
I agree with the concern that this is redundant in places and also that the emphasis on the MC's size is off-putting. In the same vein, I hope you'll consider changing the title. -The nickname feels mean-spirited, and it sounds more like a middle grade book than something aimed at adults.
ReplyDeleteFacing bankruptcy and still smarting from being stood up at the altar, journalist Mattie Ross, lands a high profile assignment (doing what) but in order to succeed, she must put herself in the hands of the hometown hero turned fitness coach wannabe who (whatever he did), followed by what will happen if she doesn't succeed.
ReplyDelete